Krino

I made up my mind

Reviews

[Jamie Lee]

Freedom! First thing in my life that I was able to shout it out from the top of my lungs and boy oh boy it feels so good to be free. No more mascara, no more pretense and no more lies. I'm no longer afraid of what other people might say about me and I am no longer afraid of my own shadow.

1984, the year I was born. they say....they say nothing. I was hoping someone will tell a story about me but all I hear is noise everywhere and it pains me. Can somebody out there tell how I looked like, or can somebody just whisper if I was a crying baby or what? Then a thought came to me, picture! Oh do I have one? No!

It doesn't bother me anymore. Remember from the very beginning, I am free and nothing can, absolutely nothing can hold me down.

Hands raised high with drops of rain touching my skin. If only heaven can take a picture of me, you would know how happy I am by just seeing the smile on my face. I'm running and jumping around it's as if I was going back to my childhood years. These are the moments that time has stolen from me but I'm here to redeemed it back and I'll make sure that no can take these away from me.

As I continued walking, I sang a song happy... shalalala it's so nice to be happy shalalala... everybody should be happy... just about to enter my house, I saw my roommate running towards me, sobbing and helpless. I did try to compose myself and let her cry till she stops. I offered her a water and waited a minute before I say a these words. It's okay; I’m here...what happen? She didn't say anything. She just continues on to sob and hug me. I can feel her pain. I told myself that something is up and she needs my help. After awhile, she opened her mouth and I could still remember that night how intense that moment was...I couldn't hear a word because she seems whispering but I waited patiently then I hear here say this..

Shine, that's what she calls me. I trust no one but you. I am willing to open up to you because I am at the peak of my desperation and I needed your help. Promise that you will not say to anyone about this. (With tears flowing down her eyes)

Yes with a nod, that's the assurance that I gave her. Then, she started to open up her story

When I was a child, I was often bullied by my classmates because I was too skinny and I was dark brown. They call me pasting "fasting". Even my siblings call me that. By the way, I am the youngest in the family. I grow up without a mom beside me. Because she is a nurse working in Saudi Arabia.

My dad that time is a businessman; we sell car tires and lumber. My sister told me that we were once rich that they could buy anything they wanted but by the time I was born, she told me that it started to melt down. You! She pointed her hand at me. You are to blame; you are a curse in this family. Look at you! You don't look like us... you are skinny and ugly! You don't belong here. You are an orphan!

They always say these words every time they are angry over something and every time they all wake up in the wrong side of the bed.

In fairness to my parents, even they started to struggle financially; they were still able to send us to a private school; all four of us. (Then she pause with a bit of smile on her face, then she continued)

My mom left us when I was five years old. I tried to scan in my memory during those years but I couldn't. All I know is that she left for work. Her leaving didn't make an impact on me because she was never there all along. I couldn't remember an instance where in she hug or kissed me. All I can remember is she bits me all the time, shouts at us all the time and insults us whenever she feels insulting us.

(Her tears never stop to fall but she was brave to continue on ...)

About my dad, he is an excellent figure of a father. He makes sure that he is there whenever we needs him. He also is a good provider. (She smiles at me ....) My dad is the best dad in the world! He stood as mom at the same time to us but just like any dad, he also is not perfect. (Then I could see how her face easily changed) My dad's weakness is women. He has a lot of those. He comes home late at night drunk and it happens almost every night. He squanders his money and not to mention that he also gambles.

( I couldn't help but interrupt her... then you are telling me he's a perfect dad ? ... with a sound of sarcasm ) for me he is, she replied...you may not understand it but for me he is ... His presence and him providing us, that's all that matters....

Every ones a year, mom comes home to us for a month for a vacation. Every time my dad will tell us about mom going home is a mixed emotion to me because I know my mom.

Every time she is home, she spends it to her friends outside and leaves us home behind with boxes full of toys. Yes, it made me happy just for a while but all I really needed, all I really wanted is to spend time with her telling everything that had happened to me at school and everything.... and every time my mom and dad will be home, they always fight about money, women and everything .... It’s exhausting and it made me want to disappear for awhile.

I often run through the corner of our cabinet and sat their closing my eyes dreaming that I am I a far away land... I forced myself to be in my dream world even just for awhile... in my dream world, I have family and friends that love me and a place full of love and giving ... I can do this for us long as need it and for us long us I want to hide from them .. I often dream of this every time they start to....... (Sobbing... continued sobbing ....hey, its okay, I said to her ....then boldly she confessed)

I really wanted out. I hate myself, I blame myself... maybe its true when they say that I am a curse in the family ... I hate my God and I hate my brother. All of all them and all that are in me.

(She started to cry again. but this time it was like a volcano forcing her to sleep and anyone moment will explode and I was never wrong)

I was raped! She shouted at me... they raped me! How could they do that to me? Why did they do that to me? ... (I never saw anyone cried like that before... I never said a thing... I feel her pain piercing my soul.)

I was raped when I was about 5 or 6 years old... they used me almost every day. They use me whenever they wanted to and I couldn't stop them... I don't have the courage to tell it to anyone because I was too afraid that no one would believe me and that I am too afraid that they will blame it back to me.... I am too afraid shine.....

( I was shocked by hearing this to her because all along I never see her weak ... she knows how to compose herself about everything not knowing that she was caring all these all along ....then she continued )

But even more I am too afraid of myself that if I will not voice this out I will die... and I am not ready. My shadow is hunting me almost every day. She gave me nightmares, she instills fears in me and her goal is to paralize me and I am so determined that I will not let her do that to me shine.... that's why I am opening up now myself to you...

(She continues to cry and I cry too with my eyes closed feeling her pain... we hugged each other and I whispered that I am proud of her and I told her that I will walk with her till the end) She whispers back ... there is more shine.... but for now, this are the only memories in the past that I find myself courageous to share ... please bare with me .... )

I said this words... its okay.... its okay ... then when i finally opened my eyes ... i looked over myself in front of the mirror talking by myself...

-----To be continued -----