Define a Crime of Passion

This story is a bit dark and disturbing but I believe that was the only way I could write it. I truely adore the twist in it and think it's one of my best pieces

 

A firm knock on her door serves as a tug back to reality. She takes in a deep reassuring breath and hoists herself out of the chair she had been sitting in for the past two hours. An impression had formed where she once sat. She studies it, thinking to herself how insignificant it would be compared to the imprint they would soon leave together. So infinitesimal that maybe nobody but herself will even become witness to it. Another knock echoes through her ears. Her chest feels light, her heart swells and flutters, and her mouth fabricates a small smile, all from just knowing who’s behind her front door. She proceeds towards it and hooks her hand around the handle. It squeaks mid-turn and finally gives way.

            She swings open the door and there he stands, perfection dripping off of every one of his many admirable characteristics. A piece of dark brown hair falls into his piercing husky grey eyes. However, they don’t seem as intense tonight. Tonight, they give a compassionate vibe, a vibe that comforts her and beats back all of her previous doubts.  She casts her eyes down toward his mouth. Full, pink lips and a straight pearly smile stare up and her and disintegrate the remaining uneasiness and doubtfulness. His mouth is one of her favorite characteristics. She notices his muscle definition through his grey pullover, which is close to dripping from the downpour outside. Her eyes trace the outline of his biceps…pecs…abs. He has a body built for sex. A kind of body a girl like her wouldn’t know what to do with. His smell is clean, a coalescence of rain and fresh laundry, another attribute she adores about him. She wraps her arms around him, rests her head on his damp and strapping chest, and inhales his scent, praying that some of it rubs onto her. He kisses her, soft and sweet-tempered. True love encircles in the air above them, caressing their lips and leaving behind a tingling sensation. She knows that he is aware of the same tingle that she is feeling. They have only been together for a short while but she knows that he’s the one. A world devoid of him gives her the chills, which is the last thing she needs to be thinking about on a night like tonight.

            Without needing an exchange of words they began climbing the stairs leading to her parent’s room. She watches each step and goes over it in her mind. This is how she will remember this night, step by step, frame by frame. This is how she will remember him. She grasps the door knob, and with a slight thrust, opens her parent’s space. She deeply inhales the surrounding hushed, vanilla air, which hangs in the room with an aura of peacefulness. The walls are glazed in an eggshell white and complement every other colour and piece of furniture that has unfortunately been placed in this uninhabited room. Her eyes drift past the flawless bedspread, immaculate dresser, and virginal rug. Unluckily for her parents, their room will soon hold many more secrets than just the mystery of a spotless carpet. Her eyes come to rest on a pair of white French doors, installed with clouded glass to insure privacy. They clasp hands and proceed towards the small alcove. Its simple innards contain a single ivory Jacuzzi and excessive windows that gaze out into the sloping countryside. The walls are bathed in a relaxing crimson and the air smells of tranquility and sandalwood. There will never be a better place; the ambiance sets the needed emotions. A box of rose petals sits unopened beside the whirlpool. She guesses they were to be saved for a romantic night between her mother and a man she has resorted to call her father. This night was as important as any night that her mother and “father” would ever share. She gingerly peels back its cover and christens the awaiting waters. The petals swirl and dance, fraternizing with the supplementary bubbles and scent of chlorine. They exchange glances and begin to shed their clothes. Leaving them in a pile, they simultaneously and undauntedly enter the churning water.

            She manifests a sleek and serrated knife from the folds of her abandoned clothing. Its edge gleams brilliantly even against the surrounding caliginous lighting, which she perceives is to be picturesque. Her eyes drift up and meet his. A deadly gaze that comforts both of them, consoles them of how sure they are.

“Shall I go first?” she utters.

“Let me,” he replies, reaching for the knife. He wraps his strong fingers around its handle and holds it steady centimeters above his wrist. Giving one last look into her eyes for comfort he lowers the blade to his skin. He applies pressure and begins to drag it down the length of his arm, blood spilling from his fresh lesion. He winces, but only for a moment, he knows it will only be uncomfortable for a short while. After the pain comes eternity. This is the only way they can be intimately together. When he is finished he lowers his arm into the convulsing water.     

Earlier in the school year a speaker had come in to talk about suicide, following the intended deaths of Sarah and Max. They were a lifetime couple that everyone thought was going to make it. Unfortunately Max and Sarah ended that rumor themselves, so they could be together forever, everyone knew. Now it was their turn. He was the origin from which the idea sprung and throughout the past couple weeks they had rehearsed every step, painstakingly to perfection. There wasn’t a stone unturned. He researched every aspect and they had planned out every scenario. Thanks to Google, he had discovered that warm water causes the blood to flow faster throughout the veins, which made the Jacuzzi a perfect venue. The churning from the jets will even speed up the process. A week before the set date they began using a simple butter knife to practice the pressure and direction to ensure a brief and flawless laceration. It took time until she finally got the hang of it, however; once she had it down pact the date had already befallen them.

Now their promise and commitment was well under way. The seething water quickly began shifting shades of red, crimson, and scarlet. He hands the soiled knife back to her and as her hand encases its handle he sees it give a slight shake. However, her movements don’t hint at any inconsiderable fear. She grips the hilt and, without a moment hesitation, impels the blade into the underside of her exposed wrist. She flinches as well but composes herself seconds later. A look of relief washes over her, replacing the sign of pain. The blood washes from her as well, as she dunks her arm into the water.

“I love you,” she expresses.

“I love you too,” he replies.

She answers, “Now we can be together forever without fear or worries.”

“Without fear or worries,” he echoes. She tries bringing the knife up to her other wrist, but she had dragged the knife deep enough to cut her tendons and can no longer lift her arm.  She glances up at him with pleading eyes, “will you help me?” He nods and takes hold of the blade. A soothing look between the two of them serves as permission to go through with the act. 

“Love of mine, I will follow you into the dark,” he quietly affirms. She closes her eyes as he lowers the razor sharp edge to her skin. He pauses…then slides the blade across arm, blood masking the realism of the cut’s depth. She gives a slight flinch but is soon over come with relief after apprehending that the deed is done and anon they will be together for eternity. Her arm falls debilitated into the water creating a splash the colour of roses. She can feel herself become weaker by the minute, but soon it will all be over and she would gladly exchange a breath of pain for infinitude of love and companionship. Before she becomes too feeble she mouths the words I love you to her partner sitting opposite of her. He returns the gesture in the most compassionate and loving way he can as he holds the piece of steel in his only working hand.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers breathlessly. She could barely hear him but she still understood what he had said. Had she really heard him right? Her eyes widen in confusion and her eyebrows furrow above them. She wants to know what’s happening but her energy is rapidly wasting away and she struggles at even the feeblest attempts to move her enervated mouth. Panic begins to set in. It simultaneously feels like a fierce grip squeezing her throat and a violent punch to her stomach. Her heart feels like it’s beating in her trachea. She can’t breathe and she can’t think straight. Is it from panic or from her ever decreasing strength? Tears begin forming, trying desperately to push themselves past her lids, but she doesn’t want to let him see her fear; she doesn’t want him to win. He relinquishes the blade into the rose red Jacuzzi and begins to rise, scarlet water dripping from his exposed and vulnerable body. Blood cascades from the throbbing gash, deliberately located on his wrist, as he hooks his functioning fingers onto his shirt. She notices how his pearly whites don’t deliquesce her dread anymore as she helplessly watches him use them to securely tie the shirt around his wound. She tries, hopefully, to move her legs but all she accomplishes is a slight twitch of her foot. There’s nothing she can do but sit and await her ill-fated ending. Every movement and thought brings her ever closer to the finish line of death. She can see him shoot a smile in her direction as he begins to slip back into his clothing. When he finishes sliding on his pants he begins to speak. “After Sarah and Max preformed that act of love I was just so intrigued. How could two lovers want to die at such a young age when they have a whole life of companionship ahead of them? I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept, that’s when I realized that I had to see for myself. I began on a hunt to find someone that would fall head over heels for me, and put all their cards on the table. That’s where you came in. You were so needy and trusting, the perfect girlfriend for my test.” She began slipping from view, sinking quickly into the opaque water. She can taste the bloody water in her mouth and nose, the pungent aftertaste of iron. He quickly grabs her by the shoulders and hoists her up to her previous sitting position. “I’m not finished yet,” he roughly says has he gives her shoulder’s a quick but dominating shake. He slowly walks back over to his previous spot and leans against the wall in a sickly leisured way. He continues, “There won’t be any trace of me being in your life, no prints and no witnesses. It’s the perfect crime. I’m sure by now you have pieced everything together, but I’ll explain it to you anyways, so I can revel in my genius. You see, that’s why I kept our relationship a secret and that’s why I convinced you that we couldn’t talk to each other in school. It was all so I could protect my alibi and reputation. I guess you could say that I wasn’t necessarily the creator of this experiment, if you will, it was more Sarah and Max’s idea, I just happened to perfect it.” He smiles again, a smile so eerie that if she hadn’t been condemned she would almost think of it as gorgeous. The gleam of his white teeth now didn’t seem so perfect. It seemed the shine was now cruel, almost threatening. His breath usually smelled of peppermint but now it reeked of deceit and treachery, which she could smell from across the room.

“I just wanted to see if you’d go through with it. However, I do deeply, truly admire your obedience and loyalty,” he replies as a follow up to his grin. Salt tasting tears stream down her cadaverous face and roll off her colourless lips, one for each of the kisses she ever gave him. Darkness was creeping in around the edges of her vision. She strained to make out his face, to make out his eerie smile, which was beginning to become blurry. She could feel herself begin to slip away. She closes her eyes to wait for the inevitable, to wait for the deadline of her life. There’s nothing more she can do but wait. She hears the shuffle of his feet and a breath of air as he advances towards the haunting French doors and finishes his well thought out exit by blowing her a kiss. She drops her head partly as if to avoid it and also from a loss of hope. She realizes that this kiss seals his achievement and marks his victim as if she was his territory. The last thing she hears is the turn of a handle and the shut of the doors behind him. “Father will be proud,” she hears him whisper under his breath before she looses consciousness and time slips away.

Author's Note

Please report any grammical errors
Also is there enough connection to the characters, I don't want the reader to be distant from the characters in the story; especially the girl

Reviews

[N. James Frazier]

A*****e, oh my god. There is so much f*****g connection with the reader. This is honestly one of if not the best story I have read yet hear on wrtiter's cafe. This is the horror of mankind. the love, the hate, the deception. This is human nature at its worse. I love this, unfortunatly i love this. This is vivid, and draws you into the story. you the reader think that the story is going one way and it went in the complete oppisite direction. Amazing imagery to, absoultely amazing and breathtaking. The images and actions of this piece are seriously and practicly jump out at you. Not to mention you did an absoultly amazing job at character description, and at the same time kept us, the audience guessing till the very end about the characters. This story was very well done, and seriously, please do not ever think any writing is sick, it is not sick it is an expression of you. And besides for as sick as you think you are, there is always some sick f**k out there who is 10 times more sick than you. Oh by the way in an insane way this piece is wildly romantic. One thing more, I love the simplistic dialogue in the beginning, just simple words like, "I love you" add a sense of beauty and realism to your story, not to mention in some ways actually let the reader eithe rput a "face" on the chracters or maybe even have a bit of combarability, either way I seriously applaud you, this was an amazing piece and you should seriously be proud of your work.
I wish you best of luck in all your future work and writing.
-N. James Frazier

[John Stussy]

That was a grotesquely perfect story! I enjoyed the effectiveness you wrote this with, as carefully planned as your male character. This is one of the best dark writes I have read on this site.

[Pax Analog]

Damn, grrrl!

This is a wickedly effective, haunting, and gutsy piece.

Re grammatical errors, let me know if you want to present it to some other pro eyes. I have a background in copy editing and it needs a thorough going over.

But that's easy to take care of. What's important is your relentless focus in your storytelling. One is completely drawn in to this gothically romantic grrrl's seduction by a lovers' suicide pact. The guy's betrayal is devastating, and you stay with your doomed grrrl to the very end. Courageous writing. It reminds me of the end of "In the Cut," the Susanna Moore novel, which was much more powerful than the Meg Ryan film vehicle.

Strong dramatic work.

[Elana Juli Royson]

Wow. Very powerful and moving. Many poeple would go to great lengths for the ones they love. Good write. Keep writing.

[kollaboratyve]

This is trumatic,powerful, and unsettling. It accomplished the purpose for which it was written. The drama is engaging, and the suspense is heart pounding. Good write!!!!!!!!!

[Rick Puetter]

Dear Siennaskeleton,

This is a very nice piece. The writing style is very good and the story quite creative. Despite your note in your bio that you don't think grammar is important, there aren't that many grammatical mistakes. There are a few, but they're not worthy of pointing out, and I suspect you'll find them. Just read the piece a few times with a critical eye.

There is pleanty of connection to the characters. That is one of the things you do best in the piece. So I wouldn't worry about that. How would I improve the piece? I don't think I can really give cogent suggestions on that. The piece is already very good and I'm sure you'll fix the grammar. So you're really the only one that can make improvements. I think that as you're reading over the piece for grammatical errors you'll also see ways to improve the writing. This happens to me all the time. So just be true to your sense of the story. It's clear you know the mood you're trying to achieve and you'll be the best one to enhance that mood on rewrite.

Congratulations on a very fine story.

Very best regards,

Rick

[Steffi]

Wow! I really liked this work.
Your story line went from a steryotypical lovers killing themselves to completely unique situation and plot!
Your flow was really nice in this story and the descriptive words and imagery and dialouge really set this story up to be amazing

[Legacy]

Good Morning Siennaskeleton,

Let me start out by complimenting you, immensely� on the story line. (Fascinating imagery). Is this something that has a measure of realism to it�? (Newspaper, T.V., Magazine, ECT?)

I could review this, giving you nothing but kudos� However, I would be missing out on what you are asking for. You already know your story is powerful, as writers (looking-in to who I am) nice to be lifted up? You bet� rewarding to know our words really touch? Most definitely� if you are like me, you welcome this, with open arms. (What most would look down upon �criticism�?)

Here are a few suggestions:
(Please... I employ you take them with a grain of salt as for this is 'only' my opinion. We all know what that means...)

A. Indentations: (nice touch, few missing)
B. The use of conjunctions: (too many)
C. Small words: (�of�, �and�, �it�, �the�)
D. Big words: (infinitesimal, beautiful words large word replacing something minute, nice job however, so the reader doesn�t need a dictionary on hand. Try giving a bit of an understanding to the word in your write.)
E. Colorization: (you did an outstanding job, walking into the space to which your parents occupied, preceding through the doors that awaited your fate. If you could find the descriptiveness used here and compliment the rest of the story with the same you would be giving it a great honor.)

Thank you again for allowing me the pleasure of reading such an awesome write. I would be interested in knowing - is there would be more of this story to follow?

�HINT�� (Whispering under his breath, as he walks away� who�s to say his fate will not be equally matched, by his own, through a little help from a woman who is now past and scorned�)

Have a wonderful day�

p.s. I hope in some small way, my words will be of help as I intend them in no other way.

Thank you,

Legacy

[KJVollaro]

Wow...this piece is amazing! Aside from maybe double checking your verb tenses, I didn't notice any grammatical errors. I did find some typos though, which I've highlighted for you: "Full, pink lips and a straight pearly smile stare up 'and' her and disintegrate the remaining uneasiness and doubtfulness." "It took time until she finally got the hang of it, however; once she had it down 'pact' the date had already befallen them." "he roughly says 'has' he gives her shoulder's a quick but dominating shake." "whisper under his breath before she 'looses' consciousness and time slips away."

There is absolutely more than enough connection to your character. The attachment starts at the very beginning, with your beautiful description of everything she sees/ feels and doesn't let up throughout the story. You drew me in and definitely didn't let me down. This was a great ride!

Thanks for sharing....you get my 2nd 100 rating of the day!

[Steve Thompson]

Her arm falls debilitated into the water creating a splash the colour of roses, you really have a lot of good stuff, but I am not the one to comment on grammical errors.
I like what you did with the story, and it was a interesting plot twist.