Shattered Sunlight for the Soul

Is there a relationship between love and hate? There are some people whom i am supposed to love that i secretly hate. And some whom i am supposed to hate, that i secretly love. Theres something curious about love and hate. They both hurt. My heart keeps returning to one. Ive loved him for as long as i can remember as both a friend and wanting to be more. Yet, each time i look upon him, i feel a little sick and can't breathe for a second and i hate myself a little each time. Hes all i could ever want and i dont even have his love? I let him slip between my fingers that easily? Sure, he loves me, but as a sister, nothing more. Eventhough it hurts to see him talk to or even about another girl, i would listen to him talk about it all day, just so i could talk to him. I bet i could cry every night over this stupid boy. Could he ever love me like i love him, or is that some kind of delusional fantasy that i dream of whenever i see him smile or laugh, or, for that matter, breathe. I wish i could tell him how i feel but im afraid to lose him. Id rather be dommed to be his unbiological sister forever than nothing. Why cant reality be like a move or book? - Boom! they were in love! - No, not for me, not my life. My heart sees no Sunlight. Even just a glimmer. No shattered sunlight for my soul. Only darkness.