What I Allow Them To Believe

a semi- free verse poem that shows the other side of the bright smile and the meaning behind the fake laugh.

I drag myself out of bed each morning and as I wash away the sleep from my eyes,

I wash away the pain I feel inside.

I stare at the reflection in the mirror and force a smile,

Eventually it will be natural, even if it takes a while.

I pass the people in the hall and wave,

Energetic, enthusiastic and ecstatic is how I will behave.

Because when I smile they cannot see,

All the pain that is inside of me.

When I laugh they truly believe,

That I am very happy.

When I tell a funny joke,

They cannot see the tears on which I choke.

Some think I’m quiet and reserved,

Others think I have a lot of nerve.

But few know what I dare not tell,

That I am secretly living in hell.

That my father is the devil,

And my life is disheveled.

That the scars on my wrists,

provide me with temporary bliss.

That I get verbally abused each night,

And believe the monster who says them is right.

That the laughing covers up the state

I live in of self-hate.

That the jokes hide the fight of my own inner demons,

One that tells me I’m worthless.

That the smile hides the feeling as if I’ve been abandoned,

As I’m trying to tell myself I’m worth it.

They only see me smile and act goofy,

As I secretly hope they don’t see through me.

But that’s why I cackle and crack jokes,

Because I never know if the girl who laughs secretly wants to cry,

Or the one who smiles the brightest is trying the hardest,

To cover up and hide the fact that she’s dying inside.

We never know what happens behind closed doors,

So I keep mine locked tight and believe that my hope can be my sword,

Slaying the evils I face with some belief,

While healing my grief.

Just as my smile can be the cure

For the girl whose insecure.

And afraid to show others

The pain that smothers

Her inside and out every way

As she’s forced to play,

In the charade she acts out every day.

Just like me,

though the others only see

what I allow them to believe.

Reviews

[The Analog Kid]

Powerful and cathartic story of a private hell.