Portrait of Abuse

For my friend.

eyes closed.

head bowed.

 

cool tears sting hot cheeks,

quivering lips choke down the sobs.

 

breathe in. breathe out.

 

his shadow moves closer,

heavy exhales crawl nearer.

 

tension is overbearing as

his body tightens forcefully.

 

breathe in. breathe out.

 

fresh imprints show

where strong hands once laid.

 

tender pale skin

turns purple and yellow.

 

breathe in. breathe out.

 

a faint promise of peace

is held by prolonged silence.

 

broken furniture

damaged walls.

no peace here.

 

breathe in. breathe out.

 

escape. run. hide. disengage.

easy to think of the plan; hard to make the act.

 

this is not love.

trapped.

can't get away.

 

can't breathe in. can't breathe out.

 

strength and pride abolished

by the very man that inspired it.

 

power gained.

life destroyed.

 

don't fight. don't breathe.

 

 

Author's Note

This is the first I've written in a while. I'm afraid that is cliche in areas, help me out? Other than that, what kind of emotions does this create? Can you visualize the scene?

Reviews

[C. Porter]

Oh, my gosh. This poem actually started to make me feel the sense of fear and (almost, but not quite..what's the WORD?!?!) claustrophobia that the narrator is feeling. I can sort of visualize the scene, but mostly just her, her fear, her breathing, her whole sense of..of..i dunno, self? Anyway, great poem.
Not cliche, this sort of abusive thing needs to be repeated.

[Lexi Nicole]

Very powerful piece. The format you used, with all the short sentences and sudden stops, built up a lot of suspense in it. There's something about this piece that really makes you think and makes you want to help anybody who has been in this position. I don't feel like there was anything cliche in it, or at least nothing I noticed. And either way, when it comes to this, any cliches tend to fall away so that the issue can be seen. Great work!

-Howl

[qaralynn]

great write

[Kelley]

I like it a lot ! It did sound a little forced at the beginning
but once I got down a ways it was perfect.

Thanks for sharing.

[GioVonnie]

This is good work..strong emotion...very inspiring....I could really visualize the whole thing more and more as I read along...It's very rare to read something that comes to life as you read it keep up the good work

[DezAdela]

I can visualize the scene quiet well. And the emotion it creates is pure empathy for me. I feel the hurt that that girl feels.

[Iota]

I can visualize the scene very well and the terror they were feeling in it. Maybe a little to well. This is a great write, sad and it makes me angry that people have to suffer like this.

[House of Immite]

hmm.... what i understand from this poem is that you are describing a situation of rape... if that is ur intention i believe you've done quite a good job.
The images are very visual even though they are not descriptive... which is a skill
plus... you had this refrain that captured the emotion in the poem...
Keep it up :)

[Abd-afeez]

I really did see it. You didn't tell a tale but painted a scene poetically. Am excellent choice of word and good mingling. Believe me i really liked this.

[Abd-afeez]

I really did see it. You didn't tell a tale but painted a scene poetically. Am excellent choice of word and good mingling. Believe me i really liked this.

[Political Punk ~~ CBD]

makes me feel a little sad, i can see a scen of abuse in this. Very powerfull, it reminds me alot of a song by Sever Your Ties titled Adoration. I think it was a very well done piece... keep it up.