PLANET OF THE GOING APES

Marion, Prince, Fleana, and Katrina get a distress call from space, and realize they had stepped into a word of madness

I. MARION

“See that constellation?” Katrina asked. “That’s Hercules meeting Perseus.”

Fleana, Prince, and I weren’t really listening. I was reading a book, Prince was wiring a radio to the satellite to make a transceiver or whatever, and Fleana was…playing with her phone.

“Are you even listening to me?!” Kat put her hands on her hips.

“No.” We told her.

“Honestly, I don’t even know why I bother.”

Fleana kept pushing buttons. “You have to make it…interesting.”

“Will you quit playing with your--” Katrina narrowed her eyes. “That’s not a phone.”

“Nope. It’s a calculator.” Fleana showed her the device. “Read this.”

“B**b.” Kat read. “What are you five?”

“I’m just trying to have fun.”

“Well, looking at this is way more fun than a calculator.”

“Not if you’re making the words by typing in equations�"Boy that’s a lot of math, I think I’ll give the stars a try.” Fleana put her face to the telescope. “What were you looking at? This big ol’ banana?”

“Banana? Oh, you must be talking about the great bow of Artemis.”

“No. What I’m seeing is a huge freaking banana.”

“I highly doubt that.” Katrina put her face to the telescope. “There’s space albatrosses, crater whales, but no�"huh? Well, strike me running. There is a big ol’ banana.”

“Hey, I got a signal!” Prince called.

He turned the dial, and a bunch of monkey squeals echoed from the radio.

I raised an eyebrow. “You contacting a zoo?”

He sneered at me. “It’s coming from the banana.”

“Monkeys, bananas. I’m sensing a theme here.” Fleana commented.

“Let me translate this.” Prince listened to the squeals. “S�"O�"S.”

“SOS?” Katrina rubbed her chin.”

“It means sauce.” Fleana joked. She grabbed the satellite. “Hey, is this a microphone? Get your own sauce. You darn dirty apes!”

“Give me that.” Prince snatched the dish back. “It means they need help.”

“I know, but…should we help them?”

“Fleana. I think it’s our moral responsibility to help them.” Katrina turned to Prince. “Spikes. How fast can you build a rocket?”

“This outta be good.” I said.

II. PRINCE

It didn’t take too long to fashion a rocket. There was plenty of scrap material at the junkyard. The real problem was finding a launch point. Surrealton is a small town and if we launch and the afterburner catches something on fire, we’ll have to find a new place to live. So I decided we needed a water source to launch nearby and I decided that the apartment pool will have to do.

My friends and I strapped ourselves in and we were prepared to launch. Marion should’ve put the signs up warning people not to use the pool so if anyone decided to take a dip when we launch, well, we can’t say we didn’t warn them, Just in case though, I installed a radio near the pool so that we could hear anyone who enters the pool. For a while, I thought we were going to blast off without having to worry until…

“Awfully quiet in there.” The radio blared. It was Ralph’s voice. “Y’know. The maniac you got over there.”

“I guess.” Cloud’s voice replied.

“Maybe they got food poisoning or something.”

“Ralph.” Storm’s voice responded.

“Maybe you should go look.”

“Ralph.”

“And make sure it happened.”

“Ralph.” Storm said calmly. “That’s not funny. What’s this then?”

Here it comes, I thought but it was too late to stop. Ralph would just have to bite the bullet.

“Do�"not�"enter--” Ralph read. “Rocket blast. What does that mean?”

“It means you better get out of this pool now.” I heard my dad say.

“Eh. It’s probably nothin’. Wait! Why’s the pool moving? WHY IS MY POOL MOVING?!”

The pool shifted out of the way as our rocket started up, the water sloshing in the container we made for it just like I calculated.

“THEY JUST SKIMMED ALL OF THE LEAVES OUT OF HERE!” I barely heard Ralph yell over the engine.

We shot into the air, the view of space racing toward us.

“We have lift off!” I shouted.

“Touchdown! Yeah!” Fleana screamed.

“AHHHH!” I barely heard, but Katrina and Fleana acted like they had a trumpet blown in their ears.

“You did remember to put up the signs up, right Solar?” Katrina directed her gaze at Marion.

“Yeah, I leaned them up.” Marion answered.

“What do you mean ‘leaned them up’?”

“What I just said.”

“I heard a scream.”

“It was a big ol’ scream.” Fleana touched her temple. “And I’m sensing pain.”

“In space…” Marion joked. “No one can hear you scr--”

“Yeah, yeah. No one can hear you scream. I know.” Kat retorted.

“This rocket is super illegal man.” I told him.

“Look.” Marion said.

“Look at what?” Katrina asked.

“This meatloaf.” Marion sprayed out a loaf from a can I had built. It was a far trickier process than building the rocket by the way. “Thought we might need a snack.”

The meatloaf trembled and exploded into pieces.

“My meat!” Marion yelled.

“I told you not to bring that can of meatloaf.” I told him.

Marion unfastened his seatbelt and started reaching for the pieces. “Help me get the pieces back.”

Then I heard a vibrating noise. Katrina pulled out her itablet out of her pocket. We couldn’t get a visual, but we could hear the voice very clearly.

“Katrina Angela Tropical!” Storm called.

“Hey, mom.” Katrina said.

“Do you mind telling me why we have to put out our neighbor?”

“Well, there’s a good reason for that.”

“I’m listening.”

Katrina told her about the SOS we had gotten last night. For a moment, there was silence, nothing but the running water that I assume was a hose. Finally, Storm sighed and said “Be back by seven.”

“Okay. Bye mom.” Katrina told her.

“Alright. Let’s brace for impact!” I shouted as the banana planet veered closer.

III. FLEANA

Prince crashed the rocket right into the banana, driving the rocket into the surface and launching Marion right out of the windshield. The good thing was…it was a giant banana so we and the rocket were fine except for some healing bruises. Marion even got up and began brushing the banana out of his hair. The real problem was that we were surrounded by apes who were about twice our size.

Katrina’s fingers were trembling as she pressed the button on the megaphone. “Hello, denizens of…this giant space banana! We are from Earth!”

I snatched the phone from her. “You know where are homies live! Now let me hear you scream!'

“Give me that!”

The apes stared at us for a second. It dawned on me that they probably couldn’t speak English. I knew I should’ve taken that Ape language class at my old school.

One of the apes stepped forward, maybe the alpha male, and for a second I thought he was going to shake our hands, but then I glanced something green in his palm before he flung it at Katrina.

“Ew! Yuck!” Katrina recoiled. “Is that poo?”

Then quicker than I could think, we were being bombarded with literal crap.

“Ew. Poo poo! That’s so gross!” I covered my face.

“We’re out of ammo!” The lead ape said. “Quick! Urinate into your hands!”

“Oh no.” Katrina started pushing us toward the rocket. “I’m not taking a gold shower.”

“H-hang on. This might take a while. I just went a few minutes ago.”

“Look. There’s no need to attack us.” Prince reasoned.

“Especially not in this manner.” Katrina agreed.

One chimp started picking through my hair. I swatted it away, but it still kept doing it. We resolved the issue with me letting it smell my strands.

“Look we may be from different worlds, but we’re essentially the same.” Katrina explained, but then she dropped her voice and whispered. “Except for certain brain sizes.”

“Your butt is not red!” The chimp pulling my hair yelled.

“You’re all banished!” The lead chimp declared. “Take them to the Banarium.”

So we were led about, uh let’s say, five feet in front of a fence that stood up to my bellybutton. Not an effective cage for intruders. Well, maybe if they were six.

“So this be the Banarium?” Prince sounded disappointed.

“Uh, yeah.” One chimp said as if Prince were stupid. “This be, uh, the Banarium.”

“Look!” The lead chimp pointed to a…unique structure.

“Is that a chimp’s anus made of banana peels?” Marion so eloquently described.

“Yes. If one t**d emerges, you will be put to death. But if two turds emerges, you will be elected to rulership, and if three turds emerges, we will douse you with buckets upon buckets of chimp urine.”

“Ew.” I said.

“So…you’re going to kill us?” Kat asked.

“Well, yeah if one t**d emerges.” Prince explained to her as if she hadn’t been listening. “Now if two turds emerge.”

“You will be elected to rulership.” The lead chimp repeated.

“But if three turds eme--” One began to repeat.

“Yuck! We get it!” I said before he could finish.

The chimp looked me over. “But if one t**d--”

“I’m gonna stop you there.”

“So wait. You ruler is going to elect a total stranger as your new ruler?” Katrina asked.

“Yeah, he wants someone to take the fall for the shortages.” One chimp answered.

“Of what?”

“Turds dum-dum!”

“Oookay. So why ain’t you got no turds?” Prince asked.

“Because there’s no food! Don’t you know anything?!”

“Great God!” One chimp screamed to the heavens. “We fling our urine to the sky yet you do not see fit to answer us!”

“Well, if it’s food you want,” I began. “We got this whole can--” Marion shoved his hand over my mouth.

“Wait. Don’t you guys live on a huge freaking banana?” Katrina pointed out.

The chimps’ eyes widened.

“You’re standin’ on it.” Prince commented.

“You want food, right?” Marion asked.

“See you just reach down and peel,” I peeled off the yellow flesh and revealed the white underside. “and look! Banana.”

The chimps stared at me, their brains probably trying to process what just happened.

Then the lead ape laughed. “Listen to the thumbs on this one!”

“Have her thumb�"cum�"sized.” One commanded.

Immediately, some ape grabbed my thumb and began yanking it until it bled. He was seriously strong.

“Wait!” I yelled as pain shot through my arm. “Wait! Wait! I’m, uh, I’m Jewish! Um, mazel tov!”

The chimp released my thumb and said. “Okay. Okay. Take every thumb but the Jewish one.”

“What are you going to do with our thumbs?!” Katrina demanded.

“Do with them?” One pondered. “I don’t know�"what do we do with them? I guess we might play with it or eat it. I may even try to throw it. Why are you asking me this philosophical question? I don’t know what we’ll do with them!”

“We are mad and our rage is filled with ignorance!” One chanted.

“Yeah, I see that.” Prince mumbled. “I hate to ask, but why did you send out an SOS?”

“Spell much porcupine?”

“SOS spells sauce.” One chimp rolled his eyes.

“Ha!” I spat in Kat’s face.

“Now take their thumbs!”

“Wh-wh-whoa!” Katrina stammered. “If it’s sauce you want, I could get you sauce. I got sauce all the way to Sunday. My mom used to be a chef. What kind of sauce do you want?”

“Some sweet awesome barbecue sauce!” The lead chimp said. The other apes took up his chant.

“Okay. Okay, we got that. Just let us get inside the rocket, and we’ll go get you some.”

“But we ain’t got no money!” One chimp yelled. “This girl here is lying to us!”

“The dome!” One chimp pointed to the banana peel anus. Out came another chimp with a couple of turds sitting in his palm. “One. Two. Three. Four turds! This is unprecedented!”

“What does that mean?” Marion asked.

“Where’d he get the food to make that many turds?” The lead ape asked. “Attack the dome.”

And just like that the apes had forgotten about us and charged the dome.

“Okay.” Katrina hopped the fence. “We’re out of here.”

IV. KATRINA

It didn’t take us long to dig up the rocket. Mostly, we ate the parts that weren’t covered in oil and rocket fuel. As soon as that was done, we began filing into our seats.

“Going somewhere?” One chimp landed next to Marion as he was halfway up the ladder.

“Yeah, home jerkhole.” Marion climbed into his seat.

“Not with me holding onto your rocket ship with my fingertips.”

“D’uh. Oookay.” I said in my best dumb voice. “Spiky.”

“Mmmhmm.” Prince pulled the lever and I heard the chimp scream in agony as the thrusters started up.

“I can’t believe you promised them sauce.” Fleana clutched her bleeding thumb. “Did you see what they did to my thumb?! I’m not giving them anything!”

“I lied Mammatus. Let’s just go home.” I said.

“Yeah, about that…” Prince trailed off. “Why aren’t we moving?”

I looked out my window and saw a line of chimps clinging onto each other and keeping the rocket tethered to the banana. One busted down the door, the lead ape.

“What else have you lied about?” He demanded.

“Aw Styx.” I swore. My eyes fell on the meatloaf can on Marion’s lap. “Give me that.”

“My meatloaf!” Marion protested.

“Free meatloaf!”

I shook the can and sprayed it until was completely empty. What stood before me was a giant meatloaf about the size of the banana. All the apes, including the one on our ship, flew after it and landed head first into the meat.

“Dumb apes!” I commented.

“No!” Marion shook the empty can. “You used it all up! Darn you Tropical! Darn you all the way to Tartarus!”

“You done?”

“Yeah. Lock the doors.”

“You think they’ll be alright?” Fleana asked.

“Yeah, I’m…pretty sure.” I told her.

“Really?” Fleana narrowed her eyes. “They’re not moving.”

I closed the doors.

“That is the freakiest story I’ve ever heard.” Matthew said after we finished our story.

“Yeah.” I said. I scrubbed the black bricks just under his forearms. “I just wish mom wouldn’t make me clean up the damage left by the rocket.”

“Keep scrubbing.” Mom urged.

“I’m doing it.”

“Speaking of which, son did you get rid of that thing?” Aurora asked Prince.

Prince soaked his sponge and scrubbed the bricks. “Yeah, I dumped it. Trust me, I don’t want to go to space again.”

“How’s Ralph?” Fleana asked.

“He’s still nursing some second degree burns from the take off.” Cloud answered. “He should be walking around in two to three weeks depending on how the medicine is handling the infection, which you will help administer to him.”

Fleana sighed. “Does it involve a needle?”

Cloud took a swig of her coffee. “Yes.”

“Does it involve his anus?” Marion asked.

“Yes.”

“Excellent.” I said.

Author's Note

Have a good laugh.