chapter 1

A Chapter by Hmhmhm

not my best writing in the world and i'm not finished with this cahpter, but i hope ou like it.

my life is great. well, in my eyes it is. some people want to just hurry up and get out of this town, but i love it here. i would never imagine leaving it. ventura, california is the only place that i'd ever consider living in and its the place that im staying till i grow old and die. of course, not until my parents decide i have to move to ojai. im not saying anythings wrong with ojai, its just not ventura. ojai is very small compared to ventura; 8000 people to 105000? thats just tiny. but i didnt mind living there, i mean it did mean moving to a new school in elementary - the worst years of my life. no one liked me, i had that sort of personality i guess. the more popular kids went off in their own direction and left me and my 2 new found friends in the dust. but i suppose thats why we're friends in the first place, i mean haley never would have been the person she is today if she'd never met me. she never talked before, and she was the outsider in this story called life. but now patti was a little different, she had more friends compared to haley. and either way it took me half a year of 3rd grade to figure this out. i never met brooke till 4th grade and thats how i noticed patti, and then i found haley, and then i ended up in middle school. brooke had moved away in the summer after i met her, so she wasnt in the picture anymore. my memory of her were horrible anyways, i still remember fighting with her one recess and i made her so upset she started crying. after the bell rang and i went to math with a cloud hanging over me, i too started to cry. 
 
i'll never understand why middle school was so hard. i was just 12 in 7th grade and how the whole school system was was 6th grade was still in middle school. i realize this isnt too uncommon anymore, but in ventura 5th grade was the end of elementary. so this was all brand new to me. the events of 7th grade carried on with me forever. i found out that i had a liking for guys and once word spread out, i wasnt ever going to be the favorite in the locker room. 
i was crushed when my first male relationship failed. and then when i tried to get back out there, it just never felt better. his name was jake and he had these beautiful blue eyes, oddly shaped but cute brown hair, and most of the people in the school liked him because he was the friendly gei guy of the year. i fell for him about 3 months after school started and im not sure how i ever figured out that i would like men, but apparently it was my calling. i finally got the guts to ask him out a few weeks after my little crush on him started. and he said yes which i was amazingly shocked about. why would one of the most popular guys in school go out with one of he loner boys? i never understood him. he was the best guy that i've ever talked to. he had the best sense of humor, the best looks, the best face, the best everything. he was the type of guy that could turn any one he wanted gei. 
i told jake my deepest darkest secrets and he kept them forever and ever. i was certain i was in love. we just had the best relationship. but it was low-key; no one knew about it. only my best friends who wouldnt dare tell anyone anything. but time came when i wanted people to know, when i just wanted to be heard of and not hiding in his shadow. but jake didnt want to, he decided that we should keep it like this until the time was right. but what was the right time to tell someone about love? there wasnt one apparently. he quickly ended my very first loved felt relationship after our little talk. 
i had no reason for living anymore, i just wanted to die. but i knew that i couldnt. i had too much to be afraid of. thats when i developed signs of xenophobe, fear of the unknown. dying wasnt something that i was certainly afraid of, i was only scared of the things that i didnt know about it. 
would i know i was dead? 
would i be a spirit and still be with my family and friends? 
would anyone miss me? 
why do people have to die? the population can just stop. people can stop having children as long and coby gets to live forever. but i guess seeing the world end wouldnt be the very best thing to witness. 
time past by. 
8th grade went like nothing. 9th grade was nothing. only the beginning of high school which i learned after middle school it wasnt too bad. not like some people may think. 
after a few girlfriends and a new boyfriend to replace jake somewhere in there, i gave up on dating. i started things on the internet that were bad ideas. i had a father and brother threaten me over a stupid joke i told a girl. but she had been lying to me and she said she was 14, being 15 i didnt really care, she was in my age range. she was really 12. the brother had told me again to stay away from her after and just so happened to mention the 12 year old part. i told the truth to the protective lovers and explained everything. after the first warning she had said to me about two weeks later that she would simply tell her father that i was someone that she knew and we had met at a school dance. they didnt care after that, they were more mad at me for having the audacity to talk to her again. 
a good while after that scuffle, i gave up on the internet. so i guess you could say lesson learned. 
i met a girl named Dani. she was great, i could tell that me and her would get along famously. we never had a fight, not even like the normal pairs of friends do. me and her were best friend on the internet. of course the internet isnt the safest now a days but i didnt care. i was hurt by too many things and i just wanted to have that close friend near me even when my own were no where to be found. 
and dani and i remained that way for the longet time. 
as if 2 months was the longest time, but yeah. because in october, 2 months after i met dani, i met brandon. 
me and brandon were very... different. the only reason i started liking him was the things that he said the very first day we met. the questions he asked me were very interesting indeed. it brought me to the thought "and you talk with that mouth mister?" and of course i ask him that and get no suprised answer, as if he'd been called nasty before. and i guess thats what made me fall for him. he wasnt afraid of the things that other people say about him. and me being terrified of the flutter of a butterfly. he was my hero. i looked up to him wondering if he thought almost the same things about me and if he was, all i'd have in responce was 'you arent that smart.' thinking back to it, i was right. he wasnt the brightest light shade of yellow, but he wasnt the dullest tool in the shed. he knew what he did, and that got him by. brandon was a very interesting person. the history i heard from on the internet was facinating. the times hed been hurt, the times hed been in love, and the times that he had with me. of course i loved hearing about those most. 
the rest of the while i was with him, we had our differences and our arguments but all around it was the longest and probably best relationship that i've gone through and might ever go through. i'll have to admit even though i dont mean it right now, that brandon is probably the best guy that i'll ever date. but unfortunantly, our differences got the best of us one day, and we had a fight that ended our 7 minutes in heavan. 
i still remember that talk... 
it was horrible. 
and i remember thinking that if i ever had the chance to change the past, i would go back and change the moment we got together. because i would rather never feel that sort of pain again for the rest of my life. liek losing a loved one. peobably because i was losing a loved one. i loved him like no one else, if someone were to ask me today how i felt about it that talk with him on that day, i'd probably start crying again. 
i remember after an awkward casual conversation when he asked me what i wanted to do, i knew what he meant. i knew that that was going to be the very last time i talked ot him as a couple. almost like me and him were never going to speak again. 
the words i spoke after he asked me that innocent question were heart breaking abd i didnt even know if i could say them without bursting into tears. i cant keep doing this." 
and i could tell that he knew what i meant. he was accepting of my final decision. we talked about it more, he could tell that i wanted to talk about it, but detected that right then wasnt the time for it. so he came up with an excuse and left. 
i remember after i heard the door shut, going into my room, crashing my entire body as hard as i could on the bed, hoping it would help ease the pain i felt on my insides, and i cried for the hardest and longest time i think i've ever cried in 12 long years. 
i know it wasnt the longest relationship in the world, i know it wasnt the deepest anyone in the world has been in love, i know many things are wrong with the next few words, but no one understood waht i felt like. it was horrible, i just dont think that i could ever go through that again. i know deep down inside, that i will never love anyone like i loved brandon. 
a good month past, and i started getting over him. i had talked to dani all through out this entire thing, i dont think that i'd be alive right now without her guidence and help. and i know that all my problems are too much for one person to handle and thats why i tell her all my problems. she helps me with them. no one else in the entire world could replace dani. i can tell that im a burden to her sometimes after talking with her once and the words 'im tired of people asking me to help them' just let me on the little hint that i probably didnt need to hear at that time. 
brandon and i talked some more, it was that awkward ex talk. and we didnt really like it all that much and i could tell he wanted to get back together, but there was just so much that i was going through. i was still trying to get over him completely and i still havent even to this day. but oddly enough, we made it work for another round but it didnt work out at all. 
me and him had a huge fight a few nights later. it got so bad to where he said he wanted me dead, and i, someone who was terrified of dying, would die for him right then and there if it made him happier. but that changed something inside of him and he said that wasnt what he would want. 
the conversation that we had again after this changed everything. i learned that me and him would never get back together unless we wanted to get hurt. and getting hurt was jsut what i didnt need then. 
a while later, i met a guy named anthony. he is almost everything to me. ive never met a nicer guy in my life. soon after we met we dated. and that didnt end for a good while. me and him looked so cute together. we had a lot in common. i could tell it was going to last for a while. and it did. 
anthony was a great guy. he would write me songs, and i would write him poems. he'd say that he loves me, and i'd light up at his words.