Attention W***e

I am lost without

My drug of choice

The sweet caresses

Of your voice

 

I ache for you

When you’re not there

Your hungry lips

And brazen stare

 

I yearn to feel

Your lusting hands

With every touch

My need expands

 

But you don’t see

How much I need

Your constant love

Inside of me

 

I send you kisses

I lay the bait

Then waste my day

and lie in wait

 

Well now I’m tired

Of needing you

Without your touch

I can start anew.

Reviews

[A hare off]

I think we all have a little of this disorder running through us, especially on sites like this. We write hoping someone will enjoy our words, when they do it just increases the need for more and when they don't it feels so bad coming down. I liked this, maybe my meaning is not correct because this poem could be pointed towards many things. Up front is feels like it is speaking of a love interest, but many things can be a love interest. I hear the Who song in my head as I read, See me, Feel me, Touch me, Heal me. Great poem.

[Archos]

Wonderful piece, there's nothing else to say.

[Relic]

I like the poem a lot. If i'm not mistaken, this was on the popular list recently wasn't it? I've read some o the reviews below and I'm guessing this has been revised more than once. A professor of mine once said: writing is never finished, it's abandoned. Many famous poets have revised their poems years after writing them.

I will say this....No matter how many times you revise, there will always be someone--perhaps more than one--who thinks it could be changed here or there. Believe me, I know. I would say if you're happy with this the way it is, leave it a while. You'd be surprised to see how messed up a poem can get with too much advise from others.

I can see the poem is built around 4 syllables a line. If one line has 5, I personally am not going to write to the author and ask why. I've learned to read a poem more than once and not nit pic lines or words. That's just me. In the grand scheme of things, a poem affects you, or it doesn't. Lack of punctuation does not bother me anymore either as long as I can put it all together and know the meaning.

In other words, I don't expect perfection from anyone including me.

I like the poem. Enuf said. :)

[Krizito]

I liked your piece, your words were simple enough and the message and feelings were clear. But I kind of feel something is missing between:
I"'m lost without
My drug of choice
The sweet caresses
Of your voice"
But great piece anyways,thanks for sharing.

[Nigel Newman]

Hi Alias. Me again! This really does set a pattern of scanning and meter so I suggest you look at places where the scan doesn't flow so well
- drop the 'I' before lay the bait
- final line, maybe 'I'll rise anew'

Personally I find the transition from needing to not needing too sudden. I would add a couple of verses of disenchantment before the last verse, which would then have to be
'And so I've tired ...'

There is something very sequential about the order of the 4 lines in each verse. It's almost mathematical in its logic. A leads to B which means C and therefore D. However, sometimes the most powerful line is the 2nd, for example 'Your lusting hands'. I think it would be worth trying to reword the lines so that you could jumble their order and finish with the most impactful. So, for example

I yearn to feel
My need expands
Your every touch
Your lusting hands

Hope these suggestions help.

Cheers
Nigel

[Alias]

Very helpful! I definitely like the idea of creating a longer transition. I've had some helpful critiques today, so I think it's time for a wee redraft cos I'm feeling full of ideas! Watch out for an update over the next couple of days :) and please let me know if you think it improves x

[Armanis]

Very peculiar drug that most people suffer. It is simple and constructive. It has a decent rhyme scheme. Could use some work so the rhymes don't feel forced. It has a rhythm but inconsistent, and I am curious if you are using that to convey some sort of distrust or shaken sense the narrator is feeling?
Also, punctuation. You can't expect us to stop reading at the end of the line. Give us punctuation so we don't read it in one fell swoop.
It does have the conflict progressing and the resolution at the end which many poets seem to neglect and for that you have some praise.

[Alias]

thanks so much - very helpful review, which rhymes in particular feel forced? I can tweak :) and yes good point I shall add punctuation.

[Armanis]

Stanzas 2 and 3.

[Alias]

well I'm always willing to make it better - I will take a look, if something better comes to mind I will redraft. If you think of anything please don't hesitate to help me out!

[Cryingkate]

Your title is quite strong and fitting to the feelings of someone who wants to give their all to someone who just tosses it away without regard.
Love the ending..... A new life. Letting go and awakening to the wasted love and reclaiming their heart and moving on.
Well written record of what sometimes happens to us and a beautiful inspiration for others to reclaim themselves.

[Alias]

Thank-you! I love it when people understand my poems in their entirety, they aren't complicated but you'd be amazed how many people don't try to understand them properly - thanks for your review x

[Cryingkate]

Really? It's plain as day to me. And You did such a fine job too. It's very Good !
Well I guess the like soul readers just haven't found you yet.
Keep writing They will......
I really like what you have to say and how you say it.

[Rose Davis]

You really are good at picking which words go where. This is something that most people can relate to and you did such a great job encapsulating it within this poem. Keep up the good work xxx

[DirectTangent]

What an enjoyable read this is!

Starting it, you create sensation with words, and add to it almost an urgency of need. When that need isn't acknowledged or responded to, there seems no equivocating in reaction to expectations not met.

I think how you structured this adds to it, too. I think there is a directness that the phrasing that joins well with the last stanza.

I do suggest perhaps looking at the first stanza. The flow is a little different than in the following stanzas. I think the same may apply to, "I send you kisses".
I'm not sure the word "well" is needed at the beginning of the last stanza, and you may get by with "I'll start anew" to end it.

I guess I'm looking more at the meter with these notions. All of this is very subjective, so please take it as it is intended - my longer and more deliberate stop and pause to more carefully consider a very talented write. I thank you very much for it.

[alifeacoustic]

Ah, the most addictive drug of all, for which we all pay too high a price at times.
Knowing you need someone just to function can be wonderful, or it can be awful. We drink it in and savour every last drop, but fail to taste its bitterness when they no longer feel the same.
We move on, with little visible signs hidden from view, but which leave scars unseen.
Great write, showing a positive ending for others to see there is hope for better days ahead.

[Hansel walker]

Great Title,
I send you kisses
I lay the bait
Then waste my day
and lie in wait

Well now I’m tired
Of needing you
Without your touch
I’ll be born anew.

I totaly loved those lines.
Unique catchy title i think it would be even better if you brought that same sense of uniqueness to the poem like in the second last stanza.
in total i loved it .:)