Sink

Sink in the dirty lake

Drown as you look me in the eyes to save you

She thought I would lighten the weights

she thought I would spare her

But I didn't 

I instead laughed

Laughed when she fell and cried tears of pure hate

I laughed at her pain

And when she started to sink

I didn't flinch

I didn't hesitate to allow her to drown

I didn't want to help her

Because I did all this intentionally dear

I wanted to hurt you I wanted you to cry

He looked me in the eyes watching me sink

He told me I was his one and only

He fed me lies and bullshit

He used to tell me not to cry

He didn't want to see a tear leave my eyes

And now, now he watches me cry

And doesn't flinch

Instead he is now smirking at my hurt

Laughing at my pain

Does he even care anymore? 

Should I even care anymore?

No i don't give a f**k!

No i shouldn't give a f**k!

Reviews

[Schatzi]

Hello XO Nonie,

Wow, this is raw and gritty, yet so full of emotions. Your use of bold font really gives the poem more punch.

I noticed a few dropped commas, which would help with your flow. These are merely suggestions so use them if you see fit or ignore them.

Instead, he is now smirking at my hurt

No, i shouldn't give a f**k.

I was curious about whether you purposely chose not to capitalize the 'i' in the final two sentences? It actually punctuates the 'devil may care' attitude and works quite well. If it was intentional, nicely done. If it wasn't intentional, leave it as is because it works nicely.

Thank you for sharing!

Kind regards,

Schatzi

[TerryDarcy-Ryan akaSh..]

This is written perfectly. There is so much going on here. I am so entertained by this short piece. I want more. Thank you

[Rebecca Garber]

I really thought that this piece was very unique, in many different ways. I loved how it when from one persons point of view right on to the next. I thought that was a very smart and inspiration i guess you could say to this piece. I loved how it was their thoughts on how they felt about each other, and what each character really felt in this lovely poem. I hope to see more poems like this my you. Good job and please don't stop keep up the wonderful writing. Thanks for this. I enjoyed it so very much.

[moivisage]

This is too interesting not to be acted. Try acting it in your head and it will be more visceral...I love the voice

[D Connolly]

OK, I had to come back to this. When I read it yesterday... Hmm. I think it's a good first draft. I understand the story that you're trying to convey. However, I think that the anger could have been presented differently. The language is offensive, and that is often used to move the reader to feel the same, and sometimes it's necessary. But there are different ways to do that. More creative verbiage would have the same effect, and I think that in this particular piece, there's shock for the sake of shock. A few revisions, and this could be good.

[Anjali]

They say never contain your anger or any other negative feelings instead you should learn to adopt to positive ones.

This poem is full of the bad side but I like the ending where the female gave a damn to the one who said to her "I was his one and only"!

Chin up girl! xoxo
Anjali

[Monica Chen]

I found it really interesting how you had two different voices in one poem and the font choices associated with them -- the male has a seemingly more dominant, louder font/tone. Even as the female voice seemed to be trying to reconcile her disbelief and hurt feelings, she abruptly denounced them in the last line (that wonderfully mirrors his last line) and this denouncing of any feeling towards him, to me, symbolizes some form of empowerment.

[Valentine]

Not into filthy language. I will read and review your decent writes. Valentine

[Hebe]

Yikes....wouldn't want to get on your bad side ;)
Definitely felt the anger and pain and sweet revenge
you made it come alive!

[XO Vee]

thank you !

[Rico]

Man....this was intense! The imagery was crucial! The way you wrote it made it so easy to visualize. I really liked the energy in this poem, and the raw emotion.

[XO Vee]

Thank you so much!