Scattered **

My heart

it shatters

once i think you don't want me anymore

i can't help but think

will we get through the worlds struggles

to one day be happy

to one day just spread joy and love

to one day grow old and laugh at our past

what can i forgive 

what just shouldn't be forgotten

what can i live with

is it true 

when it comes to men

do you just chose your poison

will everyone of them bite

it just depends on who's biting hard 

But i love him

how do i know 

will he ever leave me

he says no 

he swears on it 

but sometimes i just don't believe him

but i love him 

Scattered thoughts!

Author's Note

This poem is scattered for a reason, I know its a hard read but i needed to structure it this way so i hope you figure it out and feedback is always appreciated thank you :)

Reviews

[redzone]

your thoughts, scattered as they are (not meaning the structure) come through clearly... her is something to think about when structuring a poem (any poem and not just or even mainly this one) is that primarily structure is done to give the reader the way they want the poem to sound.. the spaces between words and lines are like taking breaths or like the tempo or beats in a song.. you jold some beats longer than other and also pause in the song for both effect and meaning... emphasizing different words and points of meaning...

not sure I am expressing this very well... in looking at your structure and also taking into consideration your desire for the scattering of lines and phrases, I think there is too much scattering here... some lines dpo not have to have 3 scatter thoughts on them... I do think you are on the right course by scattering I am just thinking that t could be more done with pauses and spacing that bring the piece together and yet still maintains that scattered look and feel as well as meaning...

obviously this is your creation and it is a good one, so take my thinking here as suggestions and ideas only.. cause a real critique would also contain some examples and sample structure to consider and think about and I have not done this..

thank you for sharing this poem NONY

redzone

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked the set-up of the poem. It is like how we think. The mind never rest. Scattered thoughts run wild in our mind always. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Schatzi]

Anonymous; NONY.,

I really enjoyed your very creative and unique poem. Keep up the great job!

Thank you for sharing!

Kind regards,

Schatzi

[Hebe]

..... I think the scattered look is one with your poem it has interwind, with the meaning that conveys the message better..

[barleygirl]

First, let me warn you I'm not a fan of crazy formatting becuz I believe we writers have a duty NOT to make a reader work to get our message. Even going in with that bias, I found your poem pretty easy to follow. It wasn't the scattered formatting that put me off. It just seemed the scattered formatting didn't reflect the majority of your message. I could understand the scattered look when you're talking about how shattered you are. In fact, I would've liked to have this part go on for a bit longer. But pretty soon you're describing a happy laminar flow of joy & love, but this does not jive with the scattered formatting as much. I would think of a scattered look with a scattered message for part of this . . . & then changing to a smooth look to match the smoothness of the fantasy being pondered. But since I don't do weird formatting, who am I to advise? I think anyone who wants to write this way is correct to follow the flow whether it's laminar or turbulent (((HUGS)))

[JamesQruer]

The idea of scattering the words helps illustrate your point. It may be a little to much. But it is effective when emphasising confusion and not really knowing what to think.

[ojhgfds]

I disagree with most of the other reviews, maybe it's because this is how I see things in my head when I'm lost or in Merced in a relationship. I like the use of this, even though it seemed hard to follow, this girl gets it.

[XO Vee]

Aw thank you so much; my journal is full of these; Thank you so much for your feedback

[JayG]

You named it, Scattered. Illustrating it with scattered words is a gimmick. And as with all gimmicks, unless what it adds more enjoyment than the use of it subtracts, the annoyance factor outweighs the entertainment and it doesn't work.

In this case, the shattering is the emotional state of the narrator. Scattering the prose is unrelated, other than by the term, and so adds nothing but reading difficulty.

Add in the lack of punctuation and it's an uphill slog for the reader, I'm afraid.

Poetry is made to read aloud. Punctuation was designed to help the reader speak the poem exactly the way the writer would, were they reading.

Never lose sight of the fact that only you have intent driving your reading. The reader has only what the words and their placement suggest o them based on THEIR background and experience.

Given that, make their job as easy and entertaining as possible.

[Valentine]

You have some nice lines in this one. Scattering the lines might have been a little much. Valentine

[Kathrin S]

What an original idea! I don't know if there's a right and wrong way of reading this, but I just read them all one after another in no particular order - like the scattered thoughts of someone who's confused. Is that correct, or did you have a particular order in mind?

Here are 2 things you could correct:
- "we will get through the world(')s struggles"
- "do you just cho(o)se your poison"

[XO Vee]

its up to you....it is meant to be scattered so its up to you how you want to read it!

[Kathrin S]

Good - that's how I interpreted it :)