Neurosis

5 different people. 5 different problems.

Ch.1 Pam

     I use the Mandometer.  I've been using it for almost a month.  In a few days, I'll be seeing my dietition to see how well I've been eating.  The Mandometer is like my Bible.  It helps me help me.  It tells me what the normal rate for eating is.  The screen shows the perception of satiety and my own eating speed.  It's been very helpful.

     I have to be honest.  This problem has made me lose all my friends.  So, as of today, I have no friends.  They thought I was crazy.  They still think I'm crazy.  I mean, at first, they tried to talk to me about it and help me.  But when I got angry at them, they got angry too    they left me.  I know I have a problem, but I don't know how to control it.  So that's why I have the Mandometer.  It helps me control me.

     My dietition also makes me right down what I eat, what time I eat, how much I eat, and the nutrition facts in this little notebook.  I keep the nutrition fact sheet taped to my refridgerator, so I never forget.  I also get checked up monthly for a weight-in and nutrition, menstrual cycle, and all that good stuff.  It's scary though    because you may never get your period for the longest time and think you're pregnant and it doesn't even matter if you aren't sexually active...it still scares you.  It scares me.

     Another recommendation my dietition has came up with is to join this group of girls and boys with accitions and obsessions...a bunch of insane people is another way to put it.  I'm not insane.  Not like them. 

"Name, number, and birthdate." the nurse asked me, on the other side of the office.

"Pam Shirwood, 432-789-2368, April 5, '97." I answered, pulling out a pen.

The nurse gave me a stack of papes I had to sign and read and all this bullshit.  A few minutes later, another nurse called me in and I followed her.  She walked me to a brown, wooden door and closed the door behind us. 

"Alright, Pam?"

"Yeah." I said.

"Let's check your weight.  Hop up, take your shoes off."

I did as she said and she took my weight.

"101.  You're getting there."

I shrugged.  "How much since last month?"

"11 pounds."

"Okay." I murmurred.

"Let's check your blood pressure."

     She wrapped that black thing around my arm and started squeezing that air thingy.  I don't know what it's called, but sometimes I feel like she'll press too much and my arm will explode into a million pieces.  But she didn't go too far.  She unwrapped my arm and told me to wait here.

"Dr. Anderson will be with you in a moment."

     Doctors never take a moment.  They take years.  And the wait kills me.  Just waiting and waiting for my results.  It's aggravating.  I turned my head to see a newspaper.  I hate newspapers.  The feel of a newspaper makes me want to puke.  They're so dusty...and gross.  My older sister, Laine, used to tell me that if you licked a newspaper, it would poison you and I believed her.  Now, I just think they're disgusting.  Secretly, I still believe her.

"Pammy, Pammy, Pammy." Dr. Anderson said, walking in with a clipboard.

"Hi." I said, stretching my legs out.

"How are you doing today?"

"I'm fine."

"How's the Mandometer working for you?  Have you been listening to your dietition?"

"Yeah, it's not so bad."

"Trust me, you'll get used to it.  A few months from now and it'll be your best friend."

"Good.  Because I don't have one." I said and smiled, weakly.

"Oh, I'm sure you do...what happened to Lizzy?"

"She hates me."

Dr. Anderson creased her brows.  "Now why's that?"

"I don't know...I think I was too much for her.  You know, all the constant whining and complaining about my weight and how I hated the way I look...it's my fault."

"It is not your fault.  Don't you ever think like that.  She should be there for you and she's not.  Don't you ever think that its your fault, because if she were you, I know you would have stuck up for her.  You're a good girl, Pam.  You need to start believing it, hon'."

"Well, of course, I'd stick up for her...but I don't know...I mean, if I were her, I'd probably get sick of me too." I said, with a nervous laugh.

"I didn't get sick of you." she said, with a smile.

"You're my doctor.  You're not allowed to." I said, with a smirk.

She laughed.  "Trust me.  If I got sick of you, I would really get sick of you.  So, how's your period?"

"Good.  It's kinda irregular...but it's back."

"That's great!  Don't worry, it's gonna take some time.  Your weight has definently improved...you look better, physically...so all I have to say is to keep doing what you've been doing.  You're doing great.  The hardest part is over, trust me.  Now that you've got the hang of it, you just have to promise me you'll continue with this healthy diet plan."

"Okay, I will." I said, feeling a little relieved.

"Great.  I'll see you in a month, alright?"

"Alright." I said, getting up.

I walked out with a smile, but I did not realise my shadow hadn't followed me.

 

[chapter 2 next, should i continue?] =)