Scarred

short story about a religious girl getting raped then pregnant

I could almost feel it's heart beat covering mine.  Beating alongside mine.  I didn't have to tell anyone about my little secret.  It could just happen and be over with and nobody would know.  Besides, I was a Christian.  What would they think of me?  What would God think of me? 

 

No, it wasn't my fault.  I told him no, I fought back, I tried to run.

 

No, it's my fault.  I should have fought harder.  I should have taken birth control.  I should have prayed harder.

 

No, I'm wrong.  No...I don't even know.  I prayed, but my prayer wasn't answered.  Was there another part of my life yet to be uncovered?  Was God changing the course of my life that I had planned for so many years?  Was I ready for this to happen?

 

Absolutely not.  I couldn't tell my mother.  She'd kick me out.  Could I tell my friends?  They would support me, yes.  Some of them even *believed* in sex before mar-

 

I didn't have sex.  At least I didn't want to.  I didn't believe I did.  And it lasted too little, I'm not even sure it was...real.  He came, he scarred me, he left.

 

Was it my fault?  Should I have reached for the kitchen knife to save my soul?  Would God have forgiven me if I...did what I could have done to stop him?  Of course not.  Christians don't stab other people.  Then again, Christians don't have sex before marriage and end up pregnant.

 

He raped me.  He didn't.  I don't know.  I could have done something...what if I screamed louder?  What if I fought harder?  What if I prayed more?  What if I never had sneaked out in the first place?  What if I had listened to my parents?  They told me he only wanted to seduce me, but I thought so highly of him.  I thought, hey, I'm a good person most of the time, so maybe he was too.  I thought, hey, what's the worst that can happen?  He's just a teenager like me.  What could he do to me? 

 

Much more than I expected.  To be truthful, I had no expectations.

 

And now I'm sitting on the damp ground by the sidewalk wishing the heartbeat would just stop and leave me to beating on my own.  Because I could do this on my own.  And even as I said this to myself over and over again, I knew I was lying to myself.  I was cheating myself.  And everyone knows cheaters never win.

Reviews

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

Very familiar story, as I went through the same questions when it happened to me many years ago. My son was born and was the most wonderful man when he grew up, which made the incident fade with time. A very true to life write. No one has the right to rape or abuse another human being. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[Forist.johnston]

Loved it. You could feel the pain of the girl, you felt scarred alongside her. A great piece.