Smoke

uh...smoke.

 

Look at what you did,
look at what you said,
the things you hold inside,
if only you were dead.

You wish you were ashes,
you lose all your hope,
one way out or never,
one way out to cope.

You puff out that smoke,
you light up that cig,
people will find ashes,
your grave when they dig.

Because that's all what's left,
the life that your deprived,
what's left of you now,
at least you've survived.

The rain is now pouring,
but you lost all nerve,
you're doing your time,

getting what you deserve.

Lost in oblivion,
lost in your mind,
run from your loved ones,
and you try to find.

It may get them looking,
when you put down that smoke,
at least you're not dying,
or living in choke.

Author's Note

Not much to say...it is what it is.

Reviews

[-Adam-]

Thank you for sharing this, I thought it was great. From the front to the end, it flowed the entire way. You put a dark touch on a serious matter, and for that I applaud you. Well done!

-Adam-

[Azizi- - !!]

It is the centre of life sometimes. Gladly, you put it in a way I myself can understand. :] Thank you for sharing this piece.

[Life Inside Death]

"It may get them looking,
when you put down that smoke,
at least you're not dying,
or living in choke."

yeah..people need to stop smoking
looks really stupid
the poem flowed nicely, but i thought there were a few bumps
nothing majorly bad though
nice work..hope you keep it up

[~D.A. Phoenix~]

Wow it is really dark. The ABAB stanza pattern help it's flow

[Zephyr]

i like the darker, murkier feel of this poem. it brings out a lot of life in the words. i also think you did a terrific job rhyming this, and you came up with some creative rhymes, like "deprived" and "survived" as well as "cig" and "dig" =).

now for the less positive- i think this has the potential to become a much more developed piece, but it needs some work to become a great piece of poetry. i think more emotion could be added to this, possibly with some simple word changes or even one or two more stanzas. if you like the idea of adding onto this but you don't know what to add, i'd recommend something about the embers. saying something about smoldering embers in a poem about a cigarette always seems to add an interesting level if it's done well, and i think you could write an excellent stanza about that.

also, not to be harsh, but i think *some* of the things in this are slightly more juvenile than the rest of the piece, such as the end of the first stanza wishing they were dead. it doesn't really add the intended emotion and reduces the general appeal of the poem.

obviously, nothing in this HAS to be changed to make it better. as it is, this is a well-done piece and it should be applauded. however, i think you could make some improvements to it that ould make it much better overall.

[*~Poetic_Essence~*]

I like the concept of this..the idea of the smoke..and how you tied in the ashes and everything..i like the under laying rhyming thats going on throughout this also..it made it easy to read and follow along with..it flowed well..
"The rain is now pouring,
but you lost all nerve,
you're doing your time,
getting what you deserve.

Lost in oblivion,
lost in your mind,
run from your loved ones,
and you try to find."