breathe

and maybe if you just found me, just told me how you feel, i could finally take the mask off.... ♥

quiet your mind, just be still now
theres no way to get around
all of the aches and pains.

everyone seems so interested
time in and time out shes tested
separate the truth from lies.

she parts her lips
lets the secrets slip
would you listen?
could you listen?
to her story

she screams
i wipe away these tears
masquerade my fears
hide the lies
so you wont worry for me my dear.
dont want to cause a scene
not ready to come clean
all i really need
is to breathe.

Author's Note

was this one any good? im not really sure, cuz i didnt spend much time on it, i just had a moment during math class and wrote it :) haha. so umm, rate and reviews would be wonderfull.. thanks :)

Reviews

[Theresa]

Sometimes your best work comes to you unexpectedly and completely out of the blue usually because it comes from real emotions. My favorite part is actually when you state:
"she parts her lips
lets the secrets slip
would you listen?
could you listen?
to her story"
It really gets you thinking.

[.]

"so you wont worry for me my dear.
dont want to cause a scene
not ready to come clean
all i really need
is to breathe."

{nice--this is a great poem-it has a mood of anxiety/worry--(wonderful)}

...I love it...

james:-)

[Silent Soul]

spontanaity is the essence of genious. and this is brilliant. :)


keep it up.


l8r g8r
s.s.

[Emily Quinn]

you know what, I most definitely prefer the writing that happens spontaniously. Its more real and true, when you think too much while writing the effect is dull but when you just let the pen move on its own accord without even knowing what your writing about or if it will make sense to others, it is most definitely the best. great work

[i'mHiding]

Very real. i like it alot :)
Sometimes all it takes is to remember how to breathe,
recollect and come to, very good !

[Jeannie Wilder]

I think this is really good, but I think you can still do more with it. The little things to clean it up -- punctuation, capitalization. But, I think you have something pretty strong here, I just encourage you to play with it!

Jeannie

p.s. third stanza is my favorite -- I love the idea of secrets :)

[MattWheatus]

Final stanza is strong, and the tension you build is good; nice work, but it might be worth looking at the first stanza to really set the scene visually so the later stanzas can build off it. Overall a good piece though so well done!

[PaperHearts]

A nice start! I personally thought that the second half was a lot better than the first half, and that it might be a good idea for you to go back and rewrite or reword the first 2 stanzas, to match the clarity of the second 2. I like the story behind this piece though, and I like the tension and the atmosphere that you've created. Keep writing! :D
~PaperHearts

[Jennika has a short att..]

i think it's just fine, but if you think it could be improved then i can't wait to read another version of this.

[<3beneathstars;]

i think it's really good for a rough, but it could be even more amazing if you edited it. put some more visuals, make the reader think a little more.
i enjoyed it though:))