It Was Written In Blood, Dear.

A suicide note.. I wrote it purely for boredom.

        I WANT YOU TO KNOW
that it wasn't your fault. I didn't want to hurt you. I thought this would be the easiest way. Maybe not the best, but easiest. In truth, I didn't hang myself because I was afraid it'd cause trauma to whoever found me. In truth, I was scared. I didn't want to shoot myself because it would be too messy. I couldn't imagine someone forcing themselves to bleach my blood into non-existence. That thought hurt me. I didn't bleed through my wrists until my body ran dry and drained because the knife wouldn't go deep enough. I know my choice was weak. I am weak. But I'll wait until these pills work, while finishing this. It was a bunch. Didn't count, I didn't care. The autopsy will show how many. Whether it be 16 or 46. It was painless and I think it'll just let me drift into a permanent sleep with nostalgia filled dreams. So, although you don't believe me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to have left you when you needed me. Please be strong. Please know I love you, I will always watch over you, and take care of you. I'll be your guardian angel. Trust me, it's better for both of us. Really, it's not that I don't love you. It's okay to hate me. I was always weak. I wish I could have been strong enough to stay.
       NO MATTER WHO READS THIS,
it isn't your fault. I loved you all so much. I'm sorry I never said it enough. Anyway, I couldn't have ever said it enough. It loved you so much. It's unbelievable how much. I love you. There is nothing you could ever have done to make it easier for me. I'll miss you all, I'll watch from someplace, and I'll help you as much as I can when i'm 'up there'. You were all so sweet, all so kind. I'm sorry I wasted so much of all your time. It could have been spent in much more productive things. But i'm not regretting it, and i'm always eternally grateful you tried. But there was nothing for me, it's not your fault, it never was. It never will be. I guess I wasn't supposed to have little Demetri or Charlotte. That's a small disappointment. But I don't think I would've been strong enough for them anyway. I would have loved them with all my heart, but it wouldn't be good enough. I'd be a horrible mother. Still, it would've been a satisfactory achievement.
           WHEN I'M DEAD,
I wish my tombstone could read Loving mother, loving wife, loving friend. But it won't, i'm not going to trouble anyone with my tombstone. None of the writing matters I've been told. The dates don't matter. 7/20/94 - Now. It's not the dates. It's the dash in the middle. The life I lived is the only important part on a tombstone. Or maybe it isn't in my case. Maybe nothing ever mattered. Maybe it's just an 'X' on the map so they can find me later and pretend they miss me, while they weep shallow tears and lay cheap flowers on the dirt above my body. Why bother? Is it just to show other people you care? Why does that even matter? it's all a show. I don't care if you cry, I don't care if you wear all black. I don't care if you wear jeans and a tank top. PJ's and a sports bra. Whatever, I don't care. And I won't find it disrespectful at all. Just be comfortable. But don't come if you don't mean it. Then again, burials are expensive. Just turn my remains to ash, and blow them. Make a wish as you hold my heart, my mind, my soul, and my vital organs. Put me in your secret garden, dump me in the sea. It won't matter, I'll still save your souls. I'll try my best to get you into heaven. I'm sure you will.
             I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
forever and for always. Por siempre. I love you. And I hope you always remember it. When the wind blows hard against your hair, it's me screaming 'I miss you.' When the rain pours all around you, and your cold and alone, i'm saying 'I'm here for you, stay strong.' When the sun's rays wrap around your body lovingly, caressing all your curves and keeping you warm, i'm whispering 'You are the closest person to my heart.' And when you hear the leaves rustling in the breeze, it's just me telling you 'I love you. And I always will.'

Author's Note

Read the bold print.

Reviews

[spreadtheawesome]

"It's not the dates, it's the dash in the middle." I don't know whether you realize how profound that statement is. Be sure to take note of the difference between "your" and "you're" -- it's a pet peeve of mine, so it tends to stand out when I read things. I only noticed it a couple of times. It's a common mistake.
Also, take not of run-on sentences. Ideas sometimes run into one another, and it's unclear when one ends and the other begins. You may want to take a look at that.

Otherwise, it was quite a strong piece. It was poignant, and the idea was well orchestrated.

[Ashley Nelson]

That was very beautiful Chelsea. I hope you don't ever intend to use it though. I especially enjoyed the part about cheap flowers on the grave to show others you care....I've always been bothered about that myself. But my favorite part was the imagery in the last paragraph, about you watching over your loved ones in the form of nature. Very well done.