Finding God in the Thorns

September 2007

Hi, I'm new to this.
Well, not really.
It has been a while though...
twenty years have I walked this path
fifteen of which I lacked even memory of light.
The last five of them...
they have been interesting.
Hell, I've left behind hedonism,
marching onto the ultraviolent path
of rage, hate, pain, and fear.
These travelling buddies of mine.
They have been there the whole time.
I just no longer try to escape from them
by running into the arms of numbing pleasure.

 

Blood-soaked and bloody-minded,
The only thing that keeps me standing
is the voracious Dark energies,
and the cold, calculating monster
who has the discipline to keep those energies
from devouring it outright.
But, I digress.
As I said, it has been fifteen
- give or take -
years that I have had not even the memory of Light.
Fifteen years of cold, dark isolation.
The first five years of the twenty I mentioned,
I at least had the memory of Light.

 

So, yeah, I don't really know how to do this.
Prayer does not come naturally to my lips,
and in my state meditation does not come easy.
Pen on paper is how I contact my spirit.
Through my spirit I seek you.
The seeds of bitterness and anger
have had twenty years of growth,
aided by those dark energies.
They choke the garden of my soul with their thorns.
I have torn my walls down,
but now I need help.
Like a Dragon with a hoard of poisoned treasure,
I find myself unable to let go
even as it destroys me.

 

Help me, I pray desperately,
help me release this darkness from my spirit.
I cannot yet beg, or even humbly plead,
the spite and hatred in my soul is still too great.
I don't dare ask for Your forgiveness, not yet.
I just ask that You see my desire to purify my soul
and that You lend me Your aid.
At least allow me to see Hope and Light,
so that I may follow them
instead of the Fury and Darkness.

 

Let Hope and Light fuel my spirit;
as I set to the task of clearing out these envenomed thorns;
so that I do not feed them
even as I try to kill them.
So, here I am,
sitting in my shadowy garden,
watching as the rising sun is eclipsed,
asking for help.

 

Please God, lend me the strength and grant me the courage
to leave this darkling path; to cleanse my soul.
I know it has been a while,
the proof of Time's passage has grown tall around me,
imprisoning me.
I had allowed the Seeds of Darkness to take root,
I have Wronged those who are and were close to me.
Perhaps one day, if You Will it,
I can atone for my sins,
and leave this Purgatory.