Murder One

Not to Glorify Death

she said goodbye once

crying the blade cut deeply

blood slowly flowing

water like crimson red wine

alone her call came too late

Author's Note

Well, this is supposed to be Tanka, but since my first adventure into the style. Please advise to what I may have wrong.

Reviews

[iand63]

Interesting piece Willard, succinct.

[Willard Wells]

I am not depressed and feel very good, but I found myself writing of things I know to well. Not of me, but of others. Thanks for the review.

[David Scott]

A vivid look at suicide to me...
I agree we should not glorify death, but we should be honest about it.

[Willard Wells]

Yes and I don't know why. I just finished another on the subject. I have had this discussion of self-murder with too many people lately I guess. I spent time doing crisis intervention. I was on the board of directors, a trainer and I did phone time. So I have been close enough to know it far better than I should for someone that plans to live to be a very old man.

Thank you for your time and words.

[andrew mitchell]

A power write in so few words Willard. Spot on this cuts deep!! Pardon the pun! Clever!

[Willard Wells]

Puns, as your words are always welcomed my friend. Thank you for your visit and kind words.

[softlyfall]

In a tanka, like a sonnet, there should be a turning point, traditionally the last line but can be the penultimate line. In a sonnet, the volta changes the intent but in a tanka, traditionally it can also simply take what is previously examined in imagery, and remarks upon it emotionally or philosophically.
Perhaps:
she called too late, my heart aches (or something.)
or
the red dawn of my new life...(turns the negative to positive)
Personification actually has no place in the classic tanka form at all. The upper phrase, like yours, creates a completed image. The second phrase compares to the volta and the voice is the protagonist, NOT personification.

[Willard Wells]

Well, I did I think I did three now of this form. One a goof and one that seems to me most all needs and this which for now will stand alone in its void of near, but yet far from precise. Works for me. bahaha

I greatly appreciate the information on form and suggestions. That's how JC got me doing Haiku and Senryu's. I usually do additional research and I have found in all the forms it is like religion, they all have one thing in common and no one can really agree on what that is. Peace Out my sweet.

[softlyfall]

Like all creative art...there are rules and also trends. Grammar, for instance, has precise rules but can be applied with deliberate departure from the rules for artistic reasons. But if you don't first learn the rules, they are difficult to break effectively.
The turn is an absolute, like the volta in a sonnet. Even breaking the rules will not change the necessity for the turn, or the poem is simply...a short poem, not a tanka. The syllable count is almost as imperative but, believe it or not, less absolute. The presentation of image in the first phrase is another absolute that should only ever be broken by after the firm is mastered.
But yes, the whole personification thing is far less absolute and easy enough to work around. I am sure JC has written excellent tanka and will be a great role model whose work uses rules broken deliberately and with artistry.

[JayceeC]

Not too bad for a first try. You have the syllables set, next time add some metaphor or personification and you'll be excellent. I like the clearness of imagery conveyed though, Glad I inspired you to try something new. This is a great first attempt at Tanka.
Jan x

[Willard Wells]

I knew I would be in trouble with the personification and metaphor. As you know I throw words on paper. Not what I call a craftsmen of my work. I guess I will work a bit slower if I do more. Not like me to do that.

Thank you for your kind words and pointing me in the right direction. You did that when I started Haiku and Senryu. I like this as is well enough to do again, but no label. I have started doing that with most of my Senryu and Haiku.

[softlyfall]

blade cut deep/emotional content IS a metaphor! Subtle but definitely not allegory, or even allusion.

[Willard Wells]

Thank you for popping over on my new adventure. I did another to see if I could define it more closely to the expected outcome. Thank you so much