Socratic Ignorance

Barstool philosophy.

Socratic Ignorance

Socrates established the foundations of our modern democratic institutions, by championing the freedom to ask questions and tell barroom jokes, poke fun at ourselves, politicians, or whoever the hell you want, as essential to maintaining a free society. His living legacy still thrives to this very day, some 2,500 years later, in countless barroom jokes and glasses raised in his honor throughout the western hemisphere. For his is the sad tale of an alcoholic who never had much luck in life and never amounted to much, and who became the town clown and the butt end of jokes, but could still think for himself damn it!

Sometimes, success doth breed contempt, and when Athens received an unexpected windfall and money began pouring in throughout the city, his entire home town was instantly seized with rampant greed, corruption, and decadence. Socrates had been content his entire life to be dirt poor, and was so disheartened at the sight of so many of his friends’ entire lives being ruined forever, over money of all things, that he decided to do more with his barroom jokes for a change than just earn free drinks. Refusing to sit idly by on his bar stool, Socrates rose to the challenge of his times, determined to take his family’s honorable tribal tradition of standup comedy, and the occasional carnival side-show act, out of the bar he was in and out to the nearest stump he could find to pee on, in a misguided attempt to restore the dignity and honor of his much beloved city of Athens. Standards were different back then but, without sports broadcasting, the bars had to get creative to attract customers, and standup comedians like Socrates were actually in big demand.

A few, like Zeno of Elia, hit the big time and went on to make good money performing their comedy routines all over Greece, but Socrates was old, and preferred to hang out at the neighborhood bars with his friends and perform for drinks. Unable to ever predict what audiences found funny, perhaps wisely, he refused all offers to pay him for teaching his art, claiming he couldn’t possibly teach his bullshit to other people when he never understood it himself. Widely considered among the ugliest, smelliest, and shortest men alive, and one the quietest and most easily overlooked to boot, Socrates never met a free drink or pleasant companionship he did not thoroughly enjoy, nevertheless, his walk was so fierce that even the most contentious idiots were always careful to never bump into him.

Normally as quiet as a church mouse, Socrates spent his golden years leisurely strolling and meandering throughout Athens where he had grown up, endlessly schmoozing, while quietly getting drunk. But, when he did speak, people learned to listen, because he was good at holding his liqueur! And, knowing when to keep his mouth shut! Unlike a lot of damned fools at the time, he never rambled on like an idiot, seldom offered his personal opinions, was a distinguished veteran, and extremely conscientious about performing his civic duties and encouraging everyone else to do the same. Appearances to the contrary, Socrates was a model citizen in many respects and, for centuries after his execution, peasants throughout Europe celebrated the anniversary of his death by, of course, drinking toasts to him in bars, recounting his exploits, and inventing new Socratic style bullshit fuzzy logic jokes.

Supposedly, the notoriously cryptic oracle at Delphi proclaimed Socrates the wisest of all the wiseguys in the kingdom despite him being among the lowest of lowly peasants in the entire city of Athens, explaining in her usual self-important way, “Because he's just simple minded enough to know the only thing he knows is that he knows nothing.” Puzzled by the enigmatic oracle who seemed to delight in pompously spouting provocative nonsense in order to drum up business, and uncertain if he should feel insulted or respond in any way, Socrates merely shrugged his shoulders, tried to forget about the whole affair, and meandered off into the countryside chatting away pleasantly with people from all walks of life when, out of the blue, the shocking realization of what the oracle meant came to him: They were all unaware they were ignorant! If nothing else, he knew, we might always be aware of our uncertainty and, therefore, our own ignorance. Yet, Socrates was a good listener and even the most accomplished and widely esteemed citizens he had been chatting with seemed to be accomplished idiots, who appeared uncertain of even their own ignorance and had mistakenly come to believe they knew all sorts of things which they did not. To which I can never resist adding, they seemed unaware that ignorantly accepting our own ignorance is how we really come to know anything silly!

Some of Socrates' rudest neighbors in Athens, laughed out loud at the oracle's pronouncement believing it a hilarious joke and then proceeded to cruelly taunt him calling him all sorts of nasty names and laughing at him. Many believed him to be among the most repulsive and more totally clueless buffoons alive with, distasteful rumors had it, questionable personal hygiene. Despite being an extremely strangely quiet little guy, they say he was just so odd and his gait so fierce that even the most obnoxious bullies were always careful never to bump into him by accident and, since he was widely known to have been a formidable warrior until his retirement, they may have been wise to avoid any serious confrontation. His vigorous old age, martial abilities, exceedingly strange disheveled appearance, lowest of the lowly social status, and any other personal quirks or past history aside, this strange little man was nonetheless affectionately regarded by all who knew him well as an extremely gentle, non-contentious, easy going old fart who almost always wisely allowed his ignorant virtue to speak for itself and, much more often than not, chose to meekly ask questions rather than offer any of his own ignorant opinions assuming he spoke up at all.

Anyway, on those rare occasions he did in fact offer his own ignorant opinions, he sometimes joked that ignorance is just another mundane fact of life it is best for people everywhere to just get over and accept. Occasionally, he would even scandalously suggest everyone could embrace their ignorance just a little from time to time. Becoming excited, like a raving lunatic Socrates would excitedly proceed to explain that, as far as he was concerned, few things if any are more commonplace and difficult to avoid in this world than our own ignorance. Chuckling and doing a little jig he would dramatically wave his arms in the air, insisting to stunned pedestrians walking past that, at the very least, ignorance is as ubiquitous, indispensable, and desirable as the air we breathe.

If a person is not aware, much less accepting, of the fact that they don't know how to swim (Socrates would drone on to anyone foolish enough to inquire what he meant) they are usually said to be ignorant when it comes to swimming, however, everybody else is also just as ignorant of an infinite number of things. On the other hand he'd say, nodding his head with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, if we instead simply become aware and accepting of the fact we just don't know how to swim, we gain wisdom and could even win an Olympic gold medal if we discover we happen to be exceptionally talented. Facetiously covering his mouth and pinching his nose he would tease, like a breath of fresh air from opening a window in a room somebody farted in, it is usually best to just accept our ignorance for what it is not and put the knowledge to good use.

Socrates himself worshiped Gods and was not agnostic, however, his profoundly ignorant wisdom, or knowledge and sagacity acquired by becoming aware and accepting of our ignorance, nonetheless remains the foolish heart of ignorant agnostics everywhere. Like it or not, we are all constantly becoming aware of and accepting and even embracing of just how truly ignorant we are frequently in quite interesting, surprising, or even shocking new ways and a common Asian metaphor for this unrelenting process is that of a cyclone. Around the calm center of the maelstrom fly all our ignorant beliefs, expectations, and preconceptions, while the deeper we dive into the storm like lunatics tilting at windmills the more confused, disoriented, and totally clueless we can become. We can heroically struggle to make our way towards the calm center, the storm may throw us there by accident or completely against our will, or we might not even really care to think about how we got there, but inevitably we do end up there. Regardless of how we get there, once firmly rooted inside the calm center, as the riotous echoes of the storm begin to fade into the velvet silence of the void, we may once again feel the (cough) profound depths of our ignorance and, somehow, know without knowing just how much we really just don't know. In other words, no different from any other dumb decision we might make where, understandably, if fools can't hear themselves think much less remember all the stupid issues involved in something, life can become a little too interesting way too fast as far most people are concerned.

There are times when we all have to take a deep breath, count to ten, walk around the block, talk to a friend, stand on our head, or do whatever it is we have to do in order to find our way back to once again to enjoying being the kind of happy or miserable idiots we might normally enjoy being before doing one more damned thing we might come to regret. Socrates was just ignorant enough to embrace being the total flaming idiot he knew he was born to be. He reveled in his ignorance and could never imagine wanting life to be any different. His ignorant wisdom was an extension of his own vacuous intuition which never required any ignorant beliefs, ideologies, methodologies, instruction manuals, rituals, circumscribed behavior, self-help books, major credit cards, or club memberships. While others were infamous criminals, exceptionally vulgar, sadistic, salacious, or otherwise infamous for being insolently audacious and brazenly social pariahs, Socrates was largely considered socially unacceptable just by the sheer weight of his profound ignorance and extreme poverty. The kind of guy many might insist is only good for using as a door stop or a door mat now that he was too old to be used as cannon fodder anymore.

Despite his neighbors' sometimes low opinion of him as a rather repugnant odd duck who childishly asked a lot of foolish questions, Socrates could be a complete bliss bunny at times and thoroughly enjoyed aimlessly wandering around schmoozing and reveling with all the sillier citizens of his beloved off the wall democracy. Perhaps unwisely, he witnessed way too many already pointless lives altered forever as, much to their chagrin, dazed and stunned citizens discovered they had somehow begun mindlessly congregating like cattle and inanely asking each other insipid questions such as, "Who the hell are you?" Thus, inspiring a never-ending stream of typically insane solutions to nonexistent problems, while pointlessly inventing entirely new nonexistent problems and, you know, all the usual Tom Foolery, unintentional mishaps, sheer stupidity, and overtly sadistic and masochistic bullshit that results from ignorant relationships which, sometimes, become so stupifyingly ignorant in full view of the public they can literally take your breath away. Especially when allowed to grow wildly out of control giving rise to new and equally clueless intimate relationships everybody else knows perfectly well are destined to ensure much pulling of hair, gnashing of teeth, laryngitis, traumatized children, and the occasional severely chapped lips.

All of which encouraged the goofiest among them to excitedly abandoned their old ignorant beliefs at the first opportunity, only to immediately rush out and hastily replace them with whatever anybody else they knew claimed were, undeniably, the best beliefs that the right connections and money can buy. Beliefs which could not only pay for themselves but, additionally, conferred valuable exclusive members only benefits, that could make anyone more socially acceptable and attractive. On a number of occasions, when vast hordes of Athenians assembled in one place, bouncing their insane beliefs off each other nonstop, they could became self-organizing like a bee hive, an overgrown garden gone wild, or a flock of chickens largely left to fend for themselves, where different kinds of belligerence and righteous umbrage might crassly flourish in close proximity to each other, rub elbows and other body parts that shall remain unmentionable, until huge crowds would inevitably become transformed into zombies suddenly breaking out into aggressive feeding frenzies. Attacking each other, anything else that moved, and mobbing nearby fast food restaurants and all you can eat buffets, the zombies could sometimes produce spectacularly ignorant, completely off the wall, unheard of, outlandish or, at the very least, extremely puzzling and preposterous fatuous flatulent finales and controversial conclusions, arguing over who pays the check. The only thing which could cause all these mad zombies to pause from fighting and shoveling food into their faces was when, without warning, something exceptionally loud or exceedingly peculiar would distract them and, raising their heads off the ground or from their pig troughs, they asked, "What the hell was that?!" Being considerably faster than any zombies he knew, an avid gardener of ignorant wisdom, familiar with bees and chickens as well as gardening, and careful to sprinkle crumbs around whenever necessary to distract the zombies, the otherwise completely clueless Socrates (who by all accounts must have been breast fed by an absolute moron) was just foolish enough to become destined to one day master the occasionally homicidal rage inducing but, otherwise, normally exceedingly dull and tediously monotonous, universally detested art of asking insipid questions which, considering the job requirements, only the most ill-fated and totally clueless amongst us ever insanely attempt, much less, ever manage to do any real justice.

Not being altogether there to begin with, Socrates diligently went about his dull day job as an unpaid, unrecognized, unsolicited, undesired, and largely unacknowledged professional amateur impromptu substitute teacher and baby sitter of last resort, always careful to stumble around the marble halls, while mindful to laugh inappropriately at random intervals and idly ask his more unconscious students lame questions (which he knew perfectly well they were totally clueless about and couldn't answer) when suddenly, from out of nowhere, mad inspiration struck and, being a brainless idiot, just like that the senile old fart foolishly decided to take his insane job home with him. His not so bright students were well practiced at ignoring his clueless pretense of prattle and drivel, but the already confused and equally clueless citizens of greater Athens had no idea what to make of his bizarre questions which, some said, were dumb and boring because they pointlessly ran in circles, while others seemed to become dimly aware that, like a wizard, he had magically manifested other people's ignorance on stage for the whole world to see and poke great fun at.

Inured to ignorant drunks rudely yelling at him and calling him a complete buffoon, and deciding to try experimenting with something a little different for a change, Socrates ignored most of the ranting, raving, and idyll threats over his stupid questions. He never demanded anyone listen to his questions and if ignorant fools did not want to listen to his questions he figured it's a free country. In other words, they damned well didn't have to listen as far as he was concerned because he never asked any questions of anyone who said they didn't want to listen to them and answer! Having too much fun in his semi-retirement just being his usual wacky easy-going off-the-wall bar-hopping self, he resolutely pressed on asking feeble questions of anyone in bars drunk enough or otherwise foolish enough to listen and buy him drinks. The name calling and ridicule he was used to, but the comments about his mother confused and angered him for some reason. At such times he had to rely heavily upon his ignorant wisdom to keep himself grounded in the midst of what often threatened to explode into a barroom brawl!

Sometimes its the quiet ones you have to watch out for and, wild and crazy guy that he was when drunk, Socrates naively believed that genuinely ignorant questions are ignorant by definition and can be meaningless gifts of grace, that is, a mindless windfall or random bequest that we often never even knew existed, couldn't really care less about, don't owe anybody any special thanks for as far as we know, and which none of us ever did a damn thing to deserve anyway, so it really never mattered to begin with. Sometimes you'll hear idiots say things like, "Mama didn't raise no damned fools, she always insisted that I tell everyone I worked hard to become the idiot I am!" Knowing in their heart of hearts that ignorance can come from the most surprisingly lame sources and grace our lives in ways few things can. Some say reality can but, I wouldn't know and, when asked, Socrates would always laugh hysterically while repeatedly shouting, "The only thing I know is that I know nothing", and pounding down another drink.

Anyway, with the possible exception of a few outlandish ideas about reality, or whatever they call it quantum mechanics these days, these kinds of simple ignorant questions have saved countless clueless lives, while any idiots foolish enough to get involved can feel nothing but nauseatingly pathetic and even mind-numbingly insensate overwhelmingly saccharine and, almost, orgasmic relief and gratitude for having had the absurd opportunity to both give and receive such exquisite tripe and twaddle. A lot of sadly misguided single-minded nose to-the-grindstone dedication, determination, and just plain good old fashioned hard work can also routinely generate boundless undeserved gratitude and asinine attention from the foolish press and infamous holier-than-thou gossips, nevertheless, the modest gift of just a few truly pitiful questions can speak directly to the otherwise altogether too often embarrassingly tedious, dismal, and dreary issue of what it means to be a human. Thus, questions can become an easy target for intentionally gracing even the most trivial, pointless, clueless, and meaningless lives of ignorant believers, disbelievers, agnostics, and just plain dull ordinary lazy slobs from all walks of life or even the wino in the gutter which, being an ignorant people person himself, Socrates thought extremely appealing in his own rather odd and, perhaps, best not dwellt upon unofficial role as an unpaid substitute teacher, impromptu baby sitter, somewhat shy wannabe social butterfly, dedicated barfly, unintentional gadfly, and, overall completely socially inept and unacceptable lowly town clown and drunk, that more respectable people would never be caught dead talking to.

Irreverently, Socrates realized, our ignorant questions are what make the whole insane species possible in the first place and, from personal experience, the little guy knew that the most dreadful friendships could produce an enormous wealth of ignorance in the bedroom especially! Of course, not all ignorant friendships, unions, liaisons, and one night stands are equally meaningless, foolish, and/or of questionable taste, and some of us are just plain better off altogether avoiding asking any kind of ignorant questions while, let's face it, a lot of us can sometimes just be so totally clueless that it's pointless to attempt to discuss the issue of why it is pointless to discuss the issue. In any case, whatever your stupid personal issues, the mindless sages supposedly ask the most stupefying yet, nonetheless, insightful questions and Socrates suggested that, perhaps, the Gods themselves bestowed their virtuous clarity of ignorance at birth or what we might call today a meaningless or even undesirable genetic disease or inheritance. Nevertheless, his uncouth dictum was "Know thyself!" And, he cracked the whip on his students just the way they liked it, while passionately urging everyone he met to thoughtlessly think for themselves, ask stupid questions, join ignorant groups, and otherwise be stridently socially unacceptable by foolishly nurturing their ignorant virtue like all good and stupid people do. Being so gregarious a lout I suspect Socrates didn't waste a lot of time with inexperienced wallflowers, however, here was one ignorant fool you could say in all honest stupidity, at the very least, probably had an ignorant question for every damned clown he ever met.

Naively Socrates assumed it wasn't worth contemplating whether he could do better than to just be himself because obviously, he concluded, that’s someone else's business that didn't concern him. My mama likes to say that ignorance is like the latest fashions which come and go, watched clocks never boil or some such nonsense, but nothing beats being genuinely authentic. Mama also taught me that styles are here to stay, while fashions come and go but, somehow, being authentically yourself is a classic style that always remains at the height of fashion. Socrates, the genuinely prolific, if somewhat indiscriminate, smelly and, quite likely, seriously deranged Johnny Appleseed of his own home grown recipe for spouting vacuous barroom jokes and ignorantly soliciting inane questions, eventually went on to reap their frequently irritating, haphazardly arranged, vaguely repulsive and, occasionally, even disturbingly creepy yet, nonetheless, somehow absurdly compelling and mysteriously bewildering, insanely cloying and captivating ludicrous bounty, that nobody in the entire city of Athens had a clue what to make of.

And in the salad days as the pungent fertilizer was flung far and wide to be summarily dodged and, thereafter, further scattered to the four winds as the crap idly piled up higher upon everyone's shoes and was trampled all over hill and dale, rivers and streams, gutters, and sewers, and everywhere in between, only to be infuriatingly mopped up from kitchen floors and to occasionally find its way into whatever shopping carts and lidless containers might have been foolishly left out in the open, Socrates' ignorance invariably grew to no-know bounds and in small quantities multiplied and magnified a thousand fold without fail he would inspire glazed looks, shocked expressions, and unsurpassed foolishness wherever he staggered or passed out, almost always drunk, and like the king of fools he had unknowingly and unwittingly become, even when seven sheets to the wind and flat out unconscious on the floor, the crazy fool still somehow managed on several obscure, unknown, and unidentifiable, irreconcilable, repugnant, revolting, unconscionable, and never to be mentioned or repeated, real and imaginary occasions, to nevertheless blindly, pointlessly, meaninglessly, futilely, clumsily, ingloriously, and tragically, yet still single highhandedly (with the unconscionable assistance of those clowns who shall forever remain anonymous) did triumphantly transform ignorant ignoble defeats into inglorious noble victories (not to mention unmentionable personal fantasies). All of which, of course, he was totally oblivious of and, let's face it, in all likelihood the drunken maniac could never have cared less about, much less ever have remembered, when and if he somehow sobered up, assuming just for the sake of argument he could understand you for a second whether sober or not.

And, rambling on, amidst the cruelest winter of his despair, his harvests were decimated, shriveled, desiccated, emaciated, immolated, savaged, ravaged, stomped upon, brutally pounded, pulverized, liquefied, flambéed, frickisaded, frappeed, and, finally, sun dried, deep fried, over baked, over seasoned, and then spit upon by cattle until they became gritty, meager, bitter, toxic, insignificant, demoralizing, unrecognizable, repugnant, irreconcilable, and entirely inedible, not to mention unpalatable. And when the cold foul fowl winds blew and the bird crap fell upon the snow he often heard a curious chattering sound he could never identify which, along with his freezing, numb, and misfiring brain, confused him as to which direction he should face when attempting to relieve himself. And when the complete idiot could no longer cut the cheese because there was no more cheese left to cut, he would use his head to break bread, and when he could no longer break the stale bread upon his head because his brains had become so scrambled he could no longer aim properly and kept hitting the table, he would heroically hold his nose, close his eyes, and eat those really vile pickled eggs and kimchi behind the bar that smelled so bad no other fool had ever dared to touch them in years, whilst dreaming nostalgically the entire time of cutting the cheese in better days, and tightening his sphincter whilst simultaneously trying his best not to throw up. And when the last of the pickled eggs, kimchi, mystery meat, flatulence, bowel, and other unpleasant discomforts around his burning rear end, eyes, ears, nose, and throat were all finally reduced along with his hemorrhoids, and when his bad breath no longer caused even the flies and cockroaches to abandon him, he would shuffle about aimlessly looking perplexed the entire time, sniffing under his arms pits and wherever else his short misshapen bulbous nose could reach, all the while wistfully stuffing tiny handfuls of dirt in his mouth only to then act as if disappointed or uncertain as to the contents. And, like the starving pea brained mammal he had come to resemble rooting around in the dirt, whilst rummaging prone on all fours like a pig, he discovered much to his amazement that the small dense pebbles he kept finding in his mouth seemed to faintly, dimly, and distantly vaguely remind him of something, perhaps hearkening back to his youth. It was in those rare moments when mad inspiration struck that he began to drool with anticipation thinking about his more dim witted students and, sometime later, discovered much to his own amazement that his random shuffling about had somehow delivered him to the home of one his duller students, whereupon, the insensate fool was saved at last by the mouth watering irresistible smell of a delectable sumptuous feast calling to him, whereupon he promptly dine on the flowers and shrubbery giving momentary pause to even all the other nearby starving zombies in his pathetic ghetto neighborhood, many of whom earned their living doing yard work.

Naturally, of course, Socrates developed unnatural feelings of affinity, kinship, and stewardship for the mindless land and his ignorant students, not to mention small pebbles, flowers, and shrubs everywhere. Scandalously, however, deep down in his otherwise best quickly and completely forgotten, easily dismissed, and never to be mentioned again loins, he had developed a growing aberrant passionate desire to mindlessly shepherd and midwife the ignorance of all past and future generations of Athens. Almost as if, after eating the entire lawn, the old coot had finally flipped his wig completely and begun insanely identifying with sheep. Taking pity on many of his more wretchedly pathetic fellow Athenians, he endeavored to help them avoid the worst of their completely unnecessary, easily avoidable, pointless, and downright unconscionably lowbrow slapstick by strengthening their ignorant wisdom. At the ripe old age of eighty what Socrates failed to see coming, despite it being a free country, was some of the more wealthy Athenians were impatient to see him die and some, very ignorant people indeed, condemned him to death for repeatedly professing his ignorance, asking too damned many questions, and brazenly teaching his ignorant wisdom for free, which could expose bullshit for what it was, thus, costing the more respectable, highly educated, and talented bullshit artists among the establishment time, money, and self-respect along with their reputations. They say Socrates had a chance to escape, yet, decided to make a statement for his much beloved democracy, to remind the entire world to remember and ponder his own remarkably forgettable sad comedy that, to this day, still defines a democracy.

Thanks to the enduring popularity of ignorance, stupidity, and more objectionable forms of congenital insanity the story of ignorance remains a classic to this day and, in fact, the ranks of the more scurrilous mindless masses continues to grow vigorously worldwide at a breathtaking rate that never fails to touch something missing inside each and everyone one of us. Socrates died to ensure the entire world might foolishly remember that, although ignorance can know-no bounds, ignorant fools everywhere can still enjoy sharing their own unique ignorant wisdom and, like the happy idiots and complete fools we all know we can be, actually learn to enjoy the prospect and come to enjoy cultivating otherwise unconscionable and easily avoidable newfound regrets. So ends the tale of Socrates, the king of fools, who became an infamous legend in his own time (well, sort of) because he didn't know when to stop asking stupid questions, waxing metaphorical, and endlessly cracking the same handful of really lame jokes that made everyone groan and go cross-eyed. Since those dark early days when more ostentatious and brazenly ignorant fools were commonly persecuted, tortured, and lynched at the first convenient opportunity, some claim they've become harder to find but, personally, I never have any problems finding complete idiots wherever I go. Others say when the student is foolishly prepared the master is rudely awakened, they end up in mental institutions, or some such crazy nonsense, however, in my own admittedly worthless opinion, ignorant fools spout a lot of nonsense, which everybody should know already, or they've lived a very sheltered life indeed and become one themselves. Anyway, along with countless other outlandishly unrestrained more flamboyant clowns throughout history, the legend of Socrates with his normally quiet humble ignorant virtue and wisdom, stupid barroom jokes, and ignorant sacrifice for thankless ingrates and mindless mobs everywhere, ignominiously survives today enshrined for all posterity and posteriors in infamous holidays such as April Fool's day, celebrated by the more socially ignorant and, often, just more obnoxious sadistic a******s and repulsively lascivious masochistic fools around the world.

The legend of Socrates is an absurd variation on the ancient potty humor family entertainment theme of the "divine fool" which attempts to tickle, cajole, or otherwise convince more gullible and easy to confuse and please audiences into excitedly forking over all their money without thinking. Wackier and more gullible still fans eagerly anticipate being able to admire their favorite batty actors playing characters even more dim witted and off-the-wall then themselves, while speculating endlessly about the next dreary monotonous plots involving their favorite clueless and insane characters who never get some particular joke and, instead, predictably windup becoming the butt-end of jokes. As you might imagine, the jobs of the overworked slapstick actor, director, and writer are extraordinarily demanding considering the average intelligence of the public at large. Their complex ignorant metaphors and cloyingly vague and provocative but, ultimately, utterly and completely meaningless plots and scenarios lend themselves to a genre perhaps best described by the basest of art critics as “Ignorant Sock Puppet Peek-a-Boo Theater” which, of course, in addition to comedy, also lends itself to the usual obligatory existentialist angst and monist waffling about whether it might happen to actually be low-budget horror, just really bad porn, or surreal adult potty humor. Although widely renowned for its often disturbing and just plain irritating qualities, ignorant sock puppet peek-a-boo theater can also support such marvelously complex metamorphic transformations and phase transitions as grace the more intriguing and engrossing classic tales of ignorance such as, "The Ugly Duckling" and the unforgettable Three Stooges and Gonzo the Muppet classic, “Raised by Chickens!”

Many fools naively believe out of hubris Socrates intentionally exploited his ignorant humor to promote the humility of being ignorant and while, certainly, ignorance is about as humble as it ever gets, nevertheless, Will Rodgers the comedian purportedly once complained to his manager and friend that he could never tell just any stupid joke he wanted because audiences would only laugh at jokes loosely based on the stupid truth. Being an unpaid teacher who, oddly enough, enjoyed hearing people laugh insipidly and who some complete idiots foolishly assumed knew the stupid truth, Socrates was just a big enough fool to believe that what ignorance requires most of everyone is the kind of blind obedience and unquestioning fanaticism a complete lack of understanding and reactionary tendencies can produce which, of course, can inspire anything from a new shampoo, to a new school of comedy, to a nuclear missile guidance system, or even widespread political chaos and panic in the streets. Inevitably another less drunken fool, named Aristotle, invented the foundations of modern logic based on the ignorant teachings of Socrates and blew the entire insane world's mind so badly that two thousand years later modern civilization is now prepared to blow up the entire planet or drive the entire world ecology over a cliff.

In some ways, Aristotle's logic was even more ignorant than that of Socrates which is why it became unbelievably popular, among not only the mindless masses of peasants hanging out in bars but, also, among the more unscrupulous who ignorantly made a living off other people's ignorance. The concerted worldwide efforts to find new and compelling ways to casually or otherwise both conceal and/or expose any kind of ignorance continues largely unabated to this day, blithely remorseless, utterly unforgiving and, all too often, absolutely deplorable as they have always done since the dawn of time. Baring the occasional random monkey wrench some demented fool throws into all these unconscionable efforts just for fun, they continue largely unchallenged and quite socially acceptable in many circles with the exception that, since Socrates and Aristotle, there has been a cautious but steady growing interest among academia for some of the more off the wall and socially unacceptable slapstick. Notably quantum indeterminacy remains utterly unfathomable, inscrutable, and indistinguishable from the void of anyone's ignorance and, additionally, no single type of logic has yet proven ignorant enough to be capable of describing every stupid thing that idiots foolishly believed to exist and whatever they might mean by "existence" when talking about quantum mechanics these days.

Anywho, in the last century confused cunning linguists have erroneously, erogenously, androgynously, ignominiously, ignobly and, more often than not much to their chagrin, anonymously come to believe they've made significant progress with ignorance with some now insisting they could establish a science of the ignorant spoken word sometime this already outrageously slapstick century. If so, academia and the global ecology could be thrown into total disarray worldwide as enormous volumes of accumulated hot air are suddenly ventilated without warning and, one might imagine, upon such an occasion at long last will be heard the loud sounds of hissing, farting, sighs of relief, and legions mumbling unintelligibly while drooling and shuffling their feet arguing over who is stinking up the room. At that point I would likewise expect to hear renewed incoherent and inconsolable howls of indignant protest, shock, pain, and outrage as well as the usual minor complaints about discomfort or whatever. Regardless of any negative impact on the countless innocent bystanders caught in the middle of politicians, academics, and others fighting to overcome such formidable obstacles, it must be at least feebly remembered by an easily dismissed and overlooked vanishingly small, illiterate, repulsive, mute, aging, crippled, impoverished, useless and, quite frankly, extremely unpopular if not blatantly, vehemently, and brazenly universally despised and systematically persecuted minority of complete and total idiots, you know the idiots I'm talking about, those ignorant wiseguys who shall forever remain nameless, unnamed, anonymous, and otherwise unrecognized for unspoken and, perhaps, best entirely unknown and unknowable reasons who, nevertheless, must still upon rare occasions at least dimly and distantly vaguely remember that these are merely ignorant tools for ignorant authors of the most ignorant implausible stories who still depend solely upon their foolish readers remaining ignorant as always.

Evidence of just how expensive, traumatic, painful, and disruptive the looming social transition might be arose in 2008 when Alistair Clarke published the first universal theory of humor thus, ironically, establishing what could become the foundations for an objective empirical science of comedy based upon first principles. His account is deliberately dry, dry, dry even by academic standards making it difficult to ascertain the full comedic potential however, as far as I can tell, he has basically proposed that all of cognition itself evolved out of humor and the need for any complex organism to be capable of detecting what is and is not likely to be complete and utterly laughable bullshit. We'll just have to wait and see how successful academics are at attempting to study lowbrow humor objectively, but I suspect it will involve a great deal of elaborate, verbose, and obtuse slapstick, if seldom classic physical comedy. Exactly how civilization has at long last achieved these lofty heights of intellectual Three Stooges slapstick is far deeper into the messy crap than can be covered in merely one chapter without first donning an environmental hazard suit and a bullet proof vest, or moving into a cave. Nonetheless, it remains a very tempting target indeed for future investigations once I'm certain I have the proper laboratory and equipment.