Chapter Two

Chapter Two

           

            It was two minutes until eight when I pulled up to the gate the next morning. I was thankful that I had been able to loose the noose that was tied around me neck the day before. I could even handle the all black dress code.

Less timidly, I pressed the call button.

            “Selling cookies?” The voice box squawked. It sounded like Robert.

            “Uh, no. It’s Aston, the new assistant.” What is with these people?

            “Oh, it’s only 7:59. You’re not supposed to be here until 8:00”

            Evidently, he doesn’t round up.

            “I guess I’m early.”

            I waited several moments for him to respond, but he never did.

            “Well, I guess I have to wait until precisely eight o’clock,” I muttered to myself. My watched ticked off the seconds as I watched. To be honest, I felt ridiculous. Eight o’clock finally came and the gate opened. Utterly ridiculous.

            I zipped through impatiently and parked my little car by the door. Do I knock, or just walk in? I hate awkward moments like this. To be safe, I used the door knocker again. This time, I was ready for Robert’s instantaneous response.

            “Good morning…” I bit my lip and fought back calling him Alfred. Trust me, it was tempting.

            Robert grunted as he stepped to the side to allow me to enter. So, he’s not a morning person. Good to know.

            “Should I report to Ms. Deveroux, or find a desk or something?” I didn’t remember seeing any desks other than Deveroux’s.

            “You shall report to the Master. We have no desks.”

            My lips twitched into a slight smile. “Maybe the gnomes stole them all.”

            Robert turned to me. “I beg your pardon, sir?”

            “Nothing.”

            Instead of leading me to Deveroux’s study, Robert led me toward the kitchen. I could smell a strong coffee odor and Ms. Deveroux was sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar, nursing a coffee mug in her hand.

            “Good morning Ms. Deveroux,” I greeted her.

            “Please, call me Natalie. Ms. Deveroux makes me sound old. I’m only twenty-seven you know.” I guess that seems about right. If I had one weakness it would be guessing peoples ages.

            “Okay, good morning Natalie.”

            Instead of the smile I expected to see, Natalie glared at me. “It’s only a good morning if I’ve had my mocha. Did you bring me one?” She demanded.

            “Uh, no, but isn’t that what you’re drinking?”

            “The more the merrier.” Good to know. “I’ll forgive you today Aston.” She snickered slightly as she said my name. Soon the snicker was a full laugh. “I just can’t help that your name makes me laugh.”

            “What do you want me to do? Change it?” I offered sarcastically.

            Natalie sat up straight and her eyes got wide for reasons that I’m sure had nothing to do with the caffeine. “I like that idea.”

Did I mention that I had said that statement with sarcasm? Okay, good.

“I was joking.” I tried to clarify.

It was already too late. The seed had been planted, and I could see her wheels turning as she mulled over the possibilities.

“What should I call my new minion, Robert?”

New minion? That didn’t sound good at all.

The crusty old butler grunted, “Minion.” Imaginative.

“I like it.”

“Don’t I have a say in this?” I inquired

“No.” She said it with finality that it would have been pointless to argue. “You’re my minion, so of course you don’t.”

Great. Is the first day too early to quit? You’re right; I should at least wait until day two.

“What do you want me to do?” I said, making sure that my scowl was clearly evident.

“Bring the car around, I have a meeting that you must take notes at.”

I nodded. “My car is out front.”

“Very well.”

Natalie guzzled the last half of her mocha before following me out the front door to my car. I felt more at ease once outside and out of the relentless stares of those creepy gnomes.

“You drive that!?!?”

No, I ride a pony to work. “Yes, I drive that.”

“I can’t ride in that,” she told me.

“Why not? It’s just a Fiat. It may look small, but there’s still plenty of room to sit in it.”

“It’s a stupid car more like it! And I don’t care that people can fit inside it, that tiny little thing is hideous!” Natalie scoffed. “I wouldn’t even let my gnomes ride in it.” That’s funny, because neither would I. She continued, “We must take something else.”

“This is the only car I have.”

“No duh. You should have been named Hack-worthless instead,” she chided. “I have a car.”

Well that was uncalled for�"like majorly.  First Minion and now Hack-worthless? I’d be surprised if I lasted through the day with this kind of treatment.

“I’ll show you a car,” Natalie said as she walked toward the rock wall that her house butted up against. She pulled out her phone and pressed several keys. A faint humming sound soon could be heard coming from the rock. A crevice opened in what was now clear to be a façade, revealing a massive truck parked in a garage.

“Whoa…” I couldn’t help myself. It was awesome.

“Now that’s a car,” Natalie said proudly. “It’s called a Marauder or something, but I just call it Vader.” Fitting, since it was decked out in matte-black paint.  

I walked up to its large front and marveled at it. “What is that thing, like ten tons?”

“Fifteen. It’s fully armored, and drives all six wheels. I could drive right over your little kid’s toy you call a car.” That probably is true. “What are you waiting for? The keys are inside.”

OOOOHHHH YEAH! I love this job. What can I say, I’m a guy. Cars are like gifts from Heaven to us.

I managed to find the door handle and hoist myself up and into the nine foot high monster. As Natalie clambered into the passenger seat, I glanced around the inside. A full wooden dash greeted me with more dials than I had ever seen in a car, and the back was open except for the jump seats rigged into the side, and what looked like a gun safe nestled behind the passenger seat. Well, if Natalie was worried about being attacked or kidnapped before, she sure didn’t need to now with this thing.

I found the key nestled into the ignition, and I turned it and listened to the beast’s growl. Once in gear, I carefully eased it out of the garage bay. I took everything nice and slow as I tried to gain a grasp on the outrageous dimensions this vehicle had. With my Fiat 500 I could easily whip around corners and didn’t have to worry about a tail hitting anything, but this thing was a totally different animal. It was a beast.

“Don’t worry about getting picked up by cops for speeding. I’ve got radar absorbing, stealth paint,” Natalie told me. That was nice to know for when I got comfortable driving Vadar.

“Where to?”

“The lair!”

Wow, these people are weird.

“Don’t know what that is, or where it’s at.” I told her as I maneuvered past the front gate.

“Right,” she said.

So I turned right.

“No, I didn’t mean turn right,” she screamed at me. “I was just acknowledging what you had said.”

“Sorry?” Not that it was my fault.

“You’ll have to turn around.”

Easier said then done. The road didn’t have a lot of traffic, but there were some cars. I waited until there was a large opening before pulling partially into a driveway. A five-point turn, and three honking cars later, I managed to get Vader facing the other direction.

“You should have just driven over the curb.” There’s always a critic around to tell you what you didn’t do right. I ignored her.

“Which way now?”

“Straight, of course.”

I drove as she gave out instructions as we went. After several miles, I got more comfortable driving the monster. I especially enjoyed the awed and amazed stares we got rolling through town.

“One more left, and then look for the old, brick building on the right.”

The old, brick building she was referring to had bars on all the windows, and barb-wire fence surrounding it. If I had to guess I’d saw it was a prison. There was ivy growing over large sections, and other areas looked like the mortar from the brick had long ago fallen off. I would be confident in saying that it hadn’t been used in quite a while.

“Go to that gate.” I was commanded. The man standing by it was burly and I could see a weapon under is tight-fitting coat. He waved us through, obviously recognized the iconic Vader.

“What exactly do you do?” I asked as I started to perspire more than I’ve ever done while playing sports.

Natalie laughed manically. I was starting to get creeped out.

“I’m a super villain, of course,” she told me with a sadistic glean in her eye. “And this is the infamous League of Villains!”

I laughed haltingly, and clearly forced. “Good joke.”

Natalie furrowed her brow while simultaneously biting her lip. “Joke? It’s no joke.” Somehow, I didn’t think so. “Park there,” she instructed.

            Villains means that they’re criminals, right? Or at least doing evil, sinister, and illegal things? I couldn’t help but see how fitting it was that they were meeting at an old prison. I’m sure most will end up in a newer one someday. And then it hit me.

Maybe someday I would too!

            Dear God, what have I gotten into?

            “Are you sure that you need an assistant? Or have a more qualified candidate? You know, maybe a mobster or something.”

            “Psh, I eat mobsters for breakfast. You’re fine, Minion. I’ve already grown fond of you…in a weird way. C’mon let’s go inside.”

            Oh, this just gets better by the minute. How do you eat a mobster for breakfast?

 

            *One bite at a time.*

            Oh bugger, she’s hijacked my story again. Ignore her.

 

Against my better judgment I exited the armored beast and followed her. The place made my skin crawl knowing that there used to be all sorts of riffraff who had been confined here. I shouldn’t have been scared of them. I should have been scared of the members of the League of Villains. Who knows what they would be like.

Natalie led me through a heavy-duty metal door and inside. I’d tell you what it looked like, but it was so dark I couldn’t see anything. I started to shiver, and then sweat.

Something touched my arm, and I shook it off with such force that my brain scrambled.

“I think I was just attacked by a spider,” My voice shook, and sounded even more eerie as it echoed back to me. “Probably poisonous.”

“Probably.” Her voice sounded far away. “Aren’t you coming?”

Coming where? Do people go to special school to be able to see in the dark? If they would have taught me in school, I would have probably failed, but it’s the point that matters.

“Where should I walk to?”

“HERE.” The voice whispered right next to my ear. And it wasn’t Natalie’s. If you asked me about it today, I would have said I grunted, but in all truth I screamed like a school girl.

“MUAHAHAHA.” The laughter bounced off making it sound like it was coming from every direction.

If I would have known where the exit was, I would have bolted through that door so fast that a radar gun couldn’t have detected me.

“Cut it out Victor!” This from Natalie. “And would someone please turn on these blasted lights!”

Clang.

Apparently someone listened as the breaker was flipped and the lights popped on. They weren’t all that bright, but I still shielded my eyes. I was glad that I hadn’t moved more than a few feet for the door. The room, which appeared to be a former cafeteria, was filled with ancient torture devices. I could have impaled myself or lost an arm if I hadn’t been careful.

A large man stepped out from behind something that looked like it stretched the victim apart. Dressed in an entirely black suite, he had a monocle dangling from his hand, and swung a vicious looking cane with his other. Natalie appeared beside him from behind another device which I don’t even begin to want to know what it did.

“Good to see you again, Victor.” Natalie didn’t offer to shake hands.

“I can’t say the same about you, Natalie.” I picked up the slightest Russian accent.

Why are most villains Russian? Was there some sort of treaty or something?

“Who’s this newbie you’ve brought into our lair?”

“Just a minion.”

“What, not a gnome?”

Natalie scowled as she picked up a thorny branch from one of the tables, and she brandished it menacingly. Testy about her gnomes. I’ll make a mental note to never insult her about them.

“Put that thing down before you poke out my other eye,” the big Russian said.

“Apologize to my minion!” She demanded with out relenting. “Or I’ll make it look like a pack of cats mugged you!”

The Russian laughed deeply and gave me a threatening look that I took clearly to mean that he would rather kill me than apologize.

“It’s okay, I don’t need an apology,” I stammered. I could tell that this had little to do with me, but more to do with something in their pasts.

“Yes he does,” Natalie contradicted. She thrust the stick right into Victor’s face and I could see his already ashen complexion pale. He knew that she would hold up to this promise as he threw his hands in the air in surrender.

“Fine, fine. I deeply apologize,” the big Russian said flamboyantly. I could tell that he didn’t mean it.

Natalie, however, didn’t care if it was genuine or not, as she dropped her stick back on the table and backed away.

“Good, now that the honor of my minion has been redeemed, we can continue to the meeting.” Natalie turned and walked toward the end of the torture room, leaving me with Victor�"alone.

I moved to follow her, but was immediately blocked by the Russian. He was close enough that I could smell the garlic and vodka on his breath. He was probably going to kill me, but I was comforted that at least he would suck my blood since he wasn’t a vampire.

It’s the little things.

            “I didn’t think you needed to apologize,” I squeaked.

            Victor didn’t say a word as he swung his monocle up and placed it on his eye, before clamping his paw firmly on my shoulder. He squinted at me through his eye-piece for a tense moment.

            In the end he just said, “Watch it.”

            I took in a sharp and grateful breath. I was still alive�"for now.

            As Victor shuffled off, I navigated the maze of torture devices while giving Victor a large berth. My hustling paid off, as I caught up with Natalie just as she reached another steel door on the other end of the room.

            Grabbing the handle, she paused and said with flourish, “This is where the world’s most powerful people come. Few have come into this room, even fewer have lived to tell about it! Welcome to the League of Villains, Minion.”

            With that final chilling statement, she pushed open the door and entered the inner sanctum of the League of Villains. Okay, what kind of name is that anyway? Highly creative.

 

            *Hey, that name has tradition!*

            Like I care. It’s still lame. You need an acronym for it or something. All infamous agencies have an acronym. And LOV doesn’t cut it.

            *How about League of Villains Eternal, LOVE?*

            Oh, that is horrible! Worse than before. You can’t have a secret society filled with bad people called LOVE. It’s a total misnomer.

            *Exactly!*

            Will you just let me continue to tell my story?

            *AHEM! Who’s story?*

            Fine, will you let me continue to tell your story?

            *Better. And fine.*

Where was I? Oh, right, I’m about to enter the inner sanctum of the League of Villains.

           

            Just before the door swung completely closed, I nudged it back open and slipped through the gap. The room that I entered was lined on both sides by prison cells, that were no longer being used�"or at least, I hoped they were no longer being used. The cells were on two levels, I stood on the balcony of the top level looking down on an incredibly long table that was positioned between the lower level cells.

            So this is where they meet. In a cell block, very fitting.

            I walked up and stood next to Natalie as she leaned against the rail. Her features were harder than normal.

            “Don’t say a word to anyone,” she told me.

            I nodded. Trust me, I wasn’t planning on it. I have a habit of saying insulting things, that are awkward in normal circumstances, and suicidal in this situation. I looked over the people that were milling around below us. Black was a common theme in their attires. A few wore ridiculous capes and masks that covered just the region around their eyes. If I didn’t know better, I would say that it looked like we were about to attend a really unimaginative costume party, but instead of killer costumes, it was killers in costumes.

            My eyes wandered over each individual, taking in their features. They were of many races and backgrounds. Some looked like they had lived hard lives while fighting there way here and other’s looked like they had always been well off.

            BANG!

            The light buzz of chatter that had filled the room a few seconds before suddenly ceased, leaving a gaping silence. My eyes shot to the far end of the table to where a caped man had just dropped a large anvil on the table. Apparently using a simple gavel would have just been too easy for this guy.

            “Everyone please sit.” The man commanded in an oddly high-pitched and grating voice. Now I can see why he had to drop the anvil.

            “Someone put a gag in him,” Natalie whispered to me as we descended the set of stairs to take up our seats.

            I couldn’t agree more. He had only said three words and I was already dreading the fact that I would possibly have to listen to him for any elonged period of time.

            Natalie made her way to a chair on the opposite side of the table. It was one of the furthest ones from the Anvil man. If I was lucky, I wouldn’t be able to hear a word he said.

            As Natalie sat, she instructed me to stand behind her chair. I noticed that other members of the League of Villains had assistants�"or minions�"standing behind them as well. One especially good looking assistant just happened to be accompanying the woman sitting next to Natalie.

            Her black hair was pulled back into a tight bun that allowed her dark eyes and beautiful facial features to be visible without hindrance. And trust me, she was beautiful. She glanced my way and gave me a small smile that made my heart rate increase to near unsafe levels. I could only manage a weak smile before quickly looking away.

            What was I thinking? She was an assistant to a villain. I might as well look in a prison registration book for a date, they might be less lethal. Then it hit me, I was also an assistant to a villain.

            Well, there goes my good-boy reputation. I tried to concentrate on the other villains around the table.

            By now, most of the members of the League of Villains had sat down in their chairs. After watching several members move out of the way of those making their way closer to the head of the table I deducted that the ones that sat closer to the head were treated with much more respect than those lower.

            Unlike King Arthur’s round table, this one was totally based on showing who held higher standing in the League. How archaic. It also meant that, as the one furthest away from the head, Natalie had the least standing in the group. So, to add insult to injury, not only was I apart of illegal activities, but I had to be with one that wasn’t good at being a villain. Strangely, I was disappointed.

 

            *Hey, I’m awesome! I’m such a good villain that I can hijack the words of your story. Take that Minion!*

            It’s annoying, but not all that impressive.

 

            Anvil Man began to speak again, and I was saddened to know that sitting further away had little effect on easing the torture my ears were sustaining. I had to fight the urge to slap my hands over my ears. How could people stand to sit so close to him?

            “Ladies and Gentlemen,” he paused and looked over the men and women in the room before laughing. To say that it sounded like a hyena would have been an insult to a hyena. Thankfully, the other members joined in to laugh with him. What the joke was?  I have no clue.

            Anvil Man stopped abruptly, and all the laughter ceased with it. “Let me call you, what we really are, Villains!”

            Oh, so that was the joke�"lame.

            Anvil man then started on a long, confusing, and most-likely pointless speech that grated on my ears severely. I tried to follow along to what he was saying, but it was too hard to concentrate on the words when each one gave me a splitting headache.

            I watched as other villains rubbed their eyes, the back of their heads, or their temples, fighting off the same problem I was having. If they had to listen to this guy every week, it was no wonder that all of these people turned into ruthless villains. I was tempted to do so myself.

            Finally, he brought his speech to a close. There was applause. I joined in, just not for the speech.

            “Now, I shall turn over the floor to second most powerful villain here, Mr. Tanaka.” Anvil man said.

            Mr. Tanaka’s eyes narrowed as he stood and leaned his frail frame onto the table. I wasn’t sure if he just was always unhappy or if he was just displeased at the mention of being only the second most powerful villain in the league.

            “Today’s order of business is very important,” he said with a thick accent. “We must discuss the continuance of membership of one of our newest members. She has been among us for six months, and we have not seen any results. An ultimatum must be made.”

            Natalie fidgeted in her chair.

            “Ms. Natalie Deveroux, would you please stand,” Mr. Tanaka asked. However, there was no leeway in his voice to make it sound like she had an option.

            Well this certainly was an interesting development. My first day on the new job, and my ‘boss’ might be removed from her place in a secret society of villains, therefore making me obsolete. I think that sums up the predicament quite well.

            Natalie stood up in front of her peers. At first her legs wobbled slightly, but after an audible breathe, she steadied herself and stood firm and rigid.

            “Do you feel that what you have accomplished over the last half year makes you deserving to be among the very selective members of the League of Villains?” Tanaka asked.

            “Of course! I’ve done a lot, including stealing every last gnome in the Smithsonian Museum,” she defended.

            People started to snicker at this, causing Natalie to visibly redden.

            So that explains the gnome thing.

            “That’s nothing, I stole the top of the Eiffel tower and replaced it with an antenna that allows me to spy on all of Paris.” This came from a member sitting close to the head of the table. She wore a mask, but I didn’t need to see her face to tell she was French�"and creepy.

            Natalie clenched her fists. “I could have done that in my sleep!”

            “Could not!”

            “Could too!”

            Really? What next, was this going to turn into, a ‘I know you are, but what am I?’ argument.

            “Ladies!” Mr. Tanaka silenced them with that single word. “What we seem to be saying, Ms. Deveroux, is that what you have done may be great for other societies of villains, but is not up to standards to the highest society of villains.”

            There are other societies of villains? Suddenly, I think I need to invest in a bomb shelter and an armored car like Natalie’s.

            “What do I have to do to remain a member of the League of Villains?” Did I detect a slight breaking in her voice? Or was I just imagining it?

            Tanaka smiled a cold and heartless smile. “Something no one has ever done before. Something spectacular!”

            That narrows it down.

            Anvil Man once again stood up. “And it must be done by the end of the month.” He picked up and dropped the anvil, which made me jump again. If the villains don’t torture and kill me first, I’ll die from being startled to death soon enough.

            “Meeting over. We’ll meet next month and review this matter again.”

            I have to say, something about dropping an anvil made a very firm way of closing out a meeting. It was a little unorthodox, but effective nonetheless.

            Natalie’s legs buckled, and she collapsed into her chair as the other members got up from theirs and filed out of the room starting with those closest to the head of the table. If I would have designed the room, I’d have put the stairs on that end. I guess then they couldn’t flaunt their elevated status as they walked by all of those lesser than them. Have I mentioned how archaic I think that is? Okay, good.

            Everyone but the villain sitting to Natalie’s left and her good looking assistant had walked past. And they were getting up to leave too.

            “Good luck,” the beautiful assistant whispered to me as she passed. Normally, I would have taken it to be sarcasm, but it sounded very genuine that I couldn’t help but give her a smile. She smiled back.

            “Don’t talk to that vile man, Mio, he’s with her.” Well, I’d hate to work for that villain.

            I caught one final wink from Mio, before she followed her master up the stairs, leaving me to be alone with mine. I wasn’t quite sure what I should do. I wasn’t very good at comforting people; I always ended up doing or saying something awkward and embarrassing.

            Ahem.

            Clearing ones throat loudly seemed to always shake people from their funk.

            Natalie remained still in her chair, but began to talk. “I’ve been waiting to be a member of the League of Villains for my entire life,” Entire life? I’m not sure if that’s deeply disturbing, or just really, really sad. She continued, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself if they kick me out.”

            Okay, I know that I’m crazy for feeling this way, but I kind of felt sorry for her. Sad? I know.

            “It’s not too late,” I said just to try to cheer her up.

            “What spectacular thing is there for me to do, that no one else has ever done? It’s a near impossible task.”

            She had a point. It was a far fetching goal, but still reasonable�"sort of.

            “Well, then we’ll just do something spectacular!” A three year old wouldn’t have fallen for that lame attempt.

            “You’re right,” Natalie said with such renewed energy that it surprised me. “We shall.”

            Evidently, she had less intuition than a three year old.

 

            *Not true. I’m just…special.*

            Good for you.

 

            Natalie got up and turned to me. “We have much work to do!” she declared.

            Oh, goodie.

Reviews

[ashesonfire]

I just love Aston's inner thoughts so much. I enjoy his sarcasm. "Did I mention I had said that statement with sarcasm? Good"

Haha, a Marauder. Definitely something I could see an evil villain riding around in!

Your story constantly has me giggling with it's sarcasm and wit. "It's the little things." I do hope you post more soon! This story is definitely worth reading.

[zach h.]

Thanks so much for the comments! I'm glad that you are enjoying it. I'll try to find some time to add some more in the not too distant future!

[j.d. savanyu]

I can definitely picture this as a finished novel, being sold to Marvel and being made into a comic book movie that makes fun of comic book movies. So you should get back to it and write more chapters. There's some stories that I started writing a long time ago and soon gave up on, but then I came back months or years later with a fresh perspective and finished them well.