I am not Perfect

Just something i really needed and wanted to write about.

    I am not perfect. I walk with a limp. One foot can not go flat and the other can. Shoes are impossible to find. I have the kind of poofy curly hair from medicine i took. One calf is smaller than the other. I have three small hard spots on each hand and my left elbow called calcium deposits becuase of what i was diagnosed with. I have arthritis. I have a weaker immune system which means it is essential for me to get my flu shot. I can not play sports because my limp keeps me from running as fast as others. 

   But I'll tell you what i can do. I can get the top grade in the class. I can read faster than everyone. I can cite quotes off the top of my head from anywhere. I can still talk. I can think for myself and make my own decisions. I can be the funniest person you ever knew. I can be your best friend and it won't cost you anything. I can be your most trusted freind. I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that i was made just under perfect, and that's almost ok.

    I was diagnosed with Juvenile Dermatomyositis (der-ma-toe-my-o-sy-tis). It is an auto-immune disease that weakens my immune system. It also affects my joints and muscles, separate from the arthritis. I have been in remission for five or six years, meaning the disease has not been active for quite a while. 

    I was three when the doctors did not diagnose me soon enough. I lost the ability to walk for six months, temporarily paralyzed in both legs, and had to completely relearn. I went through many doctors and many physical therapists. I was put on prednisolone (pred-ne-so-lone) and methotrexate (sounded as as spelled and has nothing to do with meth).  

    I may be in remission and just might possibly stay like that for the rest of my life, but it has left it's mark on me. It has set me apart. It has made me a different; and in today's society different is dangerous.  

    I still live my life like any teenager would. I gossip about boys. Which ones i hate and which ones i like. I go shopping. I go hiking. I read. I write. I pass my classes some how. 

    I am not perfect, and sometimes that bothers me. Sometimes it depresses me. I want so much to be able to walk without the fear of tripping over my own feet on a flat surface in front of my crush. I want so much to be the star of the basketball team or the tennis team or the soccer team. I want so much for people to accept the fact i limp and not stare at me when I'm not looking. I know when you stare. I can always feel it. It makes me feel horrible. Utterly and terribly useless and broken. Broken on the inside and out. 

    And yet, when i get home each day, i look at myself in the mirror and lie to my very own face "I am just fine the way i am."