Scene From A Bedroom

The same, again.

Rain began to fall on the corrugated metal roof. It was four in the morning while the couple lay in bed. The man had not slept at all. His eyes and mind felt worn and frayed, yet he could not close his eyes for more than five minutes nor stop thinking. The rain sounded like decelerated, fragmented radio static. It melded at first with the woman's gentle snoring, making it sound like she was gargling water; and the man would have strangled her then if the rain had not started to flood torrentially, drowning out the noise and sending his mind in another direction.

Repetition. He had lost his mind through repetition and no longer recognized the woman or the room, the neighborhood or the city. No one could say for sure when he snapped, for he wore the same face and lived in the same box they did. With his eyes firmly planted on a discolored spot of the ceiling, he heard each particular drop of rain in extreme clarity so loud that he felt them like brutal slaps on his face. Then heard them together again, now as the wail of children accusing him. The conviction in their cries was beyond reproach; he protested but a massive clap of thunder shook the house, proclaiming him guilty.

The woman woke when rain, blown in from the open window, splattered her face. She rose groggily and noticed the man was gone. With her hand on the window to push it closed, another giant bolt of lightning lit up the night and when she saw what colored the pavement outside, she screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed...   

Reviews

[Woody]

I'm no critic like Cameron, down here. I enjoyed reading his review but enjoyed even more reading your little piece. I find it extremely well written, descriptions and psychological analysis (?) you are a talented writer.
I like the way you ended it, too.

[Alan B.]

Thank you, kind sir. To paraphrase Hemingway, I'm only an apprentice in a craft where no one becomes a master.

[Dead]

Rain fell on the corrugated metal roof. Don't put it was four in the morning, put it was night. It had no significance to the story. Do not state that man had not slept at all, you can have him think that or show it through physical signs like bags under his eyes. " When the rain began" put a comma after began. However it would be more trite if you wrote. The rain sounded decelerated: there is no reason to put began. " It melded... direction." Throw some semicolons and perhaps a colon to make this clearer. " No one could say when he snapped... they did." You defeated your own tension which could have been saved to the end. " The heard them... accusing him." Makes no sense without a flashback. If you are going for a metaphor say that the rain was childrens laughter. "With her hand on the window to push it closed" Should have been changed to active voice. " She placed her hand on the window, and a thunderclap lit up the night" Also, lightning does light the night, not the thunder; but you knew that. ( Don't be florid when you could be correct). Should start the sentence after that with " She saw... screamed, and screamed." Screamed three times by rule of three would be stronger for rhetoric.

Good diction, not excellent.
Rhetoric is on the weak side.
Rhythm: so so
Oh, and for a bit of advice: never say you're a struggling author. We are writers, some good, some great, and some in need of help. I look forward to seeing your stories and your craft grow. Don't say that you hope to leave a legacy in words, because it can be misconstrued as pompous, even though you are ambitious.
Sorry if this review upsets you.

[Alan B.]

Many thanks for reading and your critique. I welcome all advice and criticism, positive or negative.