judgement chapter 1 page 1-2

about a jewish artist who questions the world.

page1

Time stands still. I see the particles of the sun, the movement of the clouds, and the glimmer of the walls. My my body urges to run again; with the wind. Taking a walk , this is definetly what i needed . To forget the life i had been delt for some time now. I am within the body of a man who does not belive what he prays. I rebel against every prayer , every sound i make when i wake. how could this be ? as though im destined to replace this boy inside me who obeys E-ma and A-bba. These afflictions against how I was raised. So unlawful of me to have these thoughts as to the meaning of this all. I sat under a tree and remembered why I pray . In the end we are all searching for warmth and the knowlege that when we pass, we are still alive. Our beliefs give us purpose. Keep us alive. Yet i still doubt if these prayers would make sense . once and for all.

After my walk , I reach the subway. I am unbalanced when I see the fresh canvas of the subway walls. They illuminate the ideas in my mind. Most people see cleaned up messes, but me , no. I was different. My palms grew sweaty. Restless. My heart pounding ferosiously with the clink of the train tracks. Listening to my heart rush almost made me forget my kippa, lost in the rusty air of the subway platform. I knew if I took out my spraycan now I wouldnt be able to get my kippa back. Yet another day I spend staring at the walls, hoping one day I can look past my excuses and just go for it. To draw the masterpiece Ive wanted for so long.

I hopped on the 2 train towards crown heights. Its 4pm now . Daydreaming of that wall . "Maybe one day i tell myself," but i know this too is a lie. Just like the prayers i tell myself in the mornings. Its funny huh ? Really, lieing is a sin yet we do it more than 10 times a day. strange. But I am human. Ancients created these manipulations of religion . Gave us rules to mend the broken order of human nature. Rebellion , Greed, Pettiness. All people create and hone those qualities and polar opposites . We are the ultimate contradiction. These walls are my freedom. I escape from the reality that was built for me . Its my freedom. MY free will . To be able to explore my ideas and picture the world a much more beautiful world . Without temptation or enslavement.

page 2

Dawn came and mother had prepared Shabbat dinner. We said our prayers and ate. E-ma always makes the best spaghetti. I took my first bite of heaven and sipped some wine. She started talking about setting me up with a nice girl with a quaint family. I listened as though I was ecstatic so I wouldn’t hurt her feelings. I am the last person to want to get married, I told myself. Another rule to subject my soul to. Why can’t we decide our own futures without disappointing people?

Curtains closed. The whole house was silent for the night. I couldn’t hear myself think. I started to feel the sensation of just running away and drawing. Pulse heavy. Palms sweaty. This feeling of intensity. I had to go back to that station and paint, but I knew there was a risk that I would worry my family if they saw I was missing.

I had a hidden closet that I built behind my book shelf so my younger siblings wouldn’t snoop. You have to push the latch beneath the mirror. I was always into movies like Indiana jones and tomb raider. So yea, this is why I love secret doors and boobie traps. It’s the only place in my whole house where I can be myself.

Everything I ever wanted in that closet. Red walls, cool lights, stashed away spray cans and paint, my sketch books, stickers, my military boots and my black attire. There is something so sensual about black attire, no one looks your way or pays attention. The identity is erased.

I had my supreme backpack and stashed all my stencils and spray cans, changed and locked the closet. I had to be quiet so I left out the window so no one would hear me. Thank goodness my room is in the basement! My steps were so cautious I couldn’t even hear them. I remember when I was younger how I would sneak out all the time. That’s why I’m so good at it now.