Release

This is Mary's story.

Music was always my release, my way to escape the pain of living each day. When I look back on any happy memories I had, music was always part of each picture in my mind. So the day that music left me behind my entire world came crashing down to suffocate me on the dry, empty air that surrounds me. No one cared that I was always alone because they had their own happiness to fight for. I used music as my comforting wall against humanity and the horrible lies it held. What else was I supposed to use to protect me and keep me warm when nobody wanted a washed-up, deadbeat teen? My parents had been vacant from my life for over five years so the idea of going to them once my world was completely missing was not an option. And I didn’t care about them either.

Now I sit alone surrounded by blank, dark walls that only seem to mock my pain and anger. The only sounds I hear are the far off whispers of what used to be, what can never be again. The strings on my guitar can never be fixed to how they used to be because music will never sound the same coming from my fingers. It now merely seems sad and depressing, no longer fills the void that has been in my heart for years. And now that void will continue to grow until it consumes me and swallows me whole. I’ll let it consume me because I know it will come as a relief in the end. The only people for me now simply stand and laugh at the small, withering pile of flesh and bones I have become. Even though the laughter hurts, I still welcome it because I still need that small amount of social interaction. I know they remember me as the girl who could wow crowds with her beautiful, calming music and it kills me to have people remember that way.

I don’t want the music to live on in other people’s memories while I suffer through each day trying to capture what music used to be for me. Why must I be forced to drag out every painful memory while others can never let them go? All I want is my life back to how it was. I never cared that I was alone as long as I had the music to fill the empty voids in my life. But now what? The mocking laughter is all I live for each day and that will soon slowly cause me to go insane and I know it will. But I will never let that pain cause me to crawl back to life before I found the music, or rather when the music found me. The pain will never get horrific enough to make me sink that low. My family made the choice to desert me and leave me behind, not the other way around. They thought I was too much of a “liability”. No one took my pain and depression seriously until it was too late, too late to stop it from consuming my mind and soul. So by the time they made the decision to forget me I was already too far gone anyway to have anyone help me return to how I used to be. But I’m okay with how I am now. I’ve grown used to the sadness and despair that I feel.

And as I continue to look back on times long gone I know I will always remember the day I found music and the way it quickly started to fill me from the inside out. I don’t know if anyone would believe that music saved my life that day, but I know it did and I don’t need anybody’s approval to always believe that fact. My life was becoming a dark, dismal spiral into a severe depression that I didn’t think I could even save myself from, but somehow a bright light broke through the thick walls I had worked so hard to build up. But I didn’t fight the strange feelings the light brought in. No, I welcomed them and let them work their way through my rough, beaten down soul. And the sounds that came with that bright, beautiful light will always be held in a small, hidden part of my memory. Those sounds forced me crawl out of my hole and welcome the world around me.

That was the first day I picked up a guitar and after that it became a permanent part of my life. I never knew the true effect music could have on a person’s life before that day, but I knew that from then on I would be a changed person. The darkness was replaced, not with light at first, but with hope at least. Hope for a better existence. But even the music that was now a part of my life couldn’t keep the nightmares away at night. Even though darkness may be pushed away for a while it will always hold a small part of a person’s life. So when that darkness came for me every night I didn’t know how to fend it off. It grabbed me by the heart and wouldn’t let go until the next morning came. Once the morning light shown through my window I was able to pick up my guitar once again and surround myself with beautiful, calming music.

From the moment music entered my life I knew that I was meant to share my talents with others around me. Music gave me a purpose in life and I welcomed everything that came along with that purpose. It was like music became my sidekick to fight the war against the world. Because even though I find a reason to live again, the world was still there to try and kick me down each day I tried. I may have become covered in bruises and scratches from the brutal world I lived in, but I knew that music would always have the healing touch for me at the end of the day. People around me started to try and enter my world, but I had lived so long isolated from the world that I simply continued to push them away. I became bitter with the sadness that brought me because I thought that music was going to be able to protect me from everything and it couldn’t.

For a while I tried to find something better than music, but at the end of the day I came up empty handed and I would be forced to live my decision to accept music as my only solace. So despair started to creep back into my life and I had no way to fight it off. I felt like I was slowly reverting back to how I used to be and I didn’t know what to do. That was when I slowly started to feel music leave me. I didn’t notice it at first, but once I did, I knew it was too late. I tried to capture back the early joy that music used to bring me, but it no longer felt the same and it didn’t fill me up enough to bring any relief. And as the music slowly dissipated, the despair continued to grow inside of me. But how was I supposed to capture one as I also tried to fight off the other? I could feel my energy dwindle down each day I tried to do both until I could no longer do either at all. After that I felt helpless against what the world was doing to me and I knew I would not be able to gain back the control I wanted. I could feel my world slowly slip back to how it used to be before the music and I knew I could rather die than return to that god-forsaken world. That world would always be filled with anger and pain and I didn’t want any part of it anymore.

So I was forced to accept that music had to leave me behind too, just like my family did many years ago. Again I could feel the depression slowly creep in on me and all I could to do was open myself to it. Why bother fighting what is meant to be a part of your life? I gave up thinking of a better life for myself because anything I ever thought I could keep for myself has left me behind. Days turned into months and months slowly turned into years and everyday I would wake up to see my old guitar gather yet another layer of dust. But I could not force myself to get rid of it or throw it away because I knew that it would always continue to be a permanent part of my life and I didn’t care. I welcomed the unnerving stirrings it brought inside my chest every single morning. I keep telling myself that one day I’ll try and pick it back up, but I know I never will. Those times are long gone and I know I can never return to past memories that are hidden too far away in my memory.

Now I must force myself to turn away from that life and try to open up a new chapter in my life, but how? How do you force yourself to try and find another joy to fill your barren life? I know that I can never find something to replace the feelings that music gave me and I don’t want to. I also know that I will never be able to stop the continuous stares and laughter that haunt me everyday because people will always be able to remember and I can’t stop them. No one can. And even though music was only with me for a while, I still weep for those who will never experience it all. For they are the ones who will always be lost in this life. I may not have music now, but I will continue to fight to regain back the memories of when it was a part of my life. I cherish the happy times it gave and I will never take that time for granted. Because now I know that music was not just my release from the world, it was also my protector against the pain and heartbreak living can give a person.

You can never truly escape unwanted feelings or experiences, but you can learn how to live through them and fight for something better. Music was my prize at the end of the fight and I am glad that the light came for me that dark day in my life. Without that time away from the pain, I know it would have consumed me sooner than it did. And even though music could not fight it forever, it did serve its purpose and I am eternally grateful for that.

So now as a look back on my life I know I am cutting it short, but it is a necessary part to the end of my story. For my story was never meant to have a happy ending and I have always known that. It may seem wrong to some, but I feel that it is only necessary. As I gather my guitar in my arms, I know that I will not feel any pain the end finally comes. The metal is cold, but swift as it touches my skin and I don’t even flinch away from the numbness that I wasn’t expecting. I guess music came back to me in the end to protect me from any final pain that I may have felt. And as the haze started to set in behind my eyes I could faintly hear a soft, calming sound playing in my ears. Suddenly I felt a stinging wetness in the corners of my eyes and I knew that music was present in my final moments because only music could ever bring me to tears. Even though I felt the need to cry I still couldn’t stop of smile from settling on my lips. In the last few moments before I took my last breath I felt nothing. Not even the surprising numbness. All I felt was peace and at home with where I was. Through music I was able to find new life and now it is here to wish me good bye and I welcomed it once again into my arms.