The Big Kids

It was our last day of middle school,
and we were under the jungle gym,
Tom and I,
and he told me I was pretty,
and he kissed me on the lips,
and I thought it was all so strange,
because that was what the big girls did,
and I wanted to be like them.

First day of highschool,
Tom and I didn’t talk,
because we forgot about each other.
I had a new best friend, and her name was Lacy,
and she kissed a lot of boys,
and told me it was fun,
and she liked it when they gave her attention,
so she’s wear short skirts,
and spaghetti straps.

Our old friends,
Kate and Mark had been together since summer,
and they said they loved each other,
and we all knew they did,
what ever love is.

My sister dated the boy who lives across the street,
and he was nice to her in the halls,
and they seemed to like each other.

There was the boy,
all the popular guys called ‘f*g’
and they pushed him around in the halls,
and he was older than us freshman,
but maybe if we weren’t freshman,
I’d like to think that we’d have the courage to tell them to stop.
But I doubt we would have.

And a senior asked my freshman self on a date,
and he kissed me that night,
not that I liked him,
but because he liked me,
and I was curious,
and he paid for dinner,
and that was the thing to do,
When a boy is nice enough to do so.

That was the end of freshman year,
and we thought we were old,
but really we wanted to be like the big kids,
the ones who were graduating,
and going to Prom,
and it was all so exciting,
but it wasn’t happening to us.

Sophomore year,
Tom and I had Chemistry together,
and he sat with his friends,
and I sat alone,
because I prefered it that way.

Lacy kissed more boys than she could remember,
and they came up with names for her,
all too crude to actually say.
She didn’t talk to me much,
or anyone really for that matter,
she didn’t like it when other boys would talk to me instead.
So I tried to stay out of the way,
because I thought she knew me best.
But she didn’t want to be around me anymore.

Mark and Kate were still holding hands in the halls,
and they said they loved each other,
and Kate was a cheerleader that year,
and Mark was on the football team,
and everyone loved them together,
because they seemed to be the only kids who were actually happy.

My sister and the boy who lived across the street broke up,
but she still said she loved him,
and it broke her heart to see other girls with him,
but she said she’d wait for him,
but I’d doubt he’d do the same.

The boy who got bullied killed himself.
because they were right,
he was gay,
so he listened to them,
and the evil words they said,
and he finally pulled the trigger.

And I dated a boy,
and he was older than me,
and he got mad when I didn’t want to have sex.
And he got even angrier,
when I told him how sad I was.
and he called me ‘broken’
and who wants a broken girl?

So I broke up with him,
and tried to get better,
and I did for a while,
but that was summer,
and everything is better in the summer,
and I was okay for a while.

Junior year,
There was a nice boy for a bit,
and he said he loved me,
but I didn’t love him.
so he got upset,
and I felt broken again,
because he cut himself on my broken pieces.

I saw Tom at the park,
and we sat next to each other,
and we didn’t talk,
and he looked as sad as I felt.
but I never asked,
because if he asked me,
I wouldn’t have told him.

People told me Lacy was a ‘s**t’
and guys said, ‘such a b***h’
people said I should be glad to be rid of,
‘that piece of s**t.’

Mark and Kate were together,
but they didn’t talk all that much,
and there were rumors,
that Mark had a girl who went to a different school,
and Kate pretended she didn’t know,
or care.
And Mark said it was all lies,
but when I saw him sneak off with the girl who lived down the street from me,
I knew that he was the liar.

And my sister was back with the boy who lived across the street,
and she said that he loved her,
and she loved him,
though the bruises said otherwise,
and she said they were going to get married,
when he finishes law school,
and she said she’d kill me if I told mom or dad.
So I didn’t.

And I didn’t talk to anyone,
because talking was very hard,
at least talking about the serious things.

And I did my best not to be broken.
or to pretend that I am not.

Boys would ask me out,
and I’d say no,
and they called me prude,
and I wouldn’t care.
Because Lacy was at a party one night,
and three boys took turns on her,

even though she was drunk, and said no.
But because no one came to her rescue,
it was her fault,
for wearing short skirts,
and spaghetti straps,
and for being drunk.

It’s too bad mothers tell their daughters,
that they have to hug their uncle that they’ve never met before,
but don’t say,
they don’t have to kiss the boy who paid for dinner,
and it’s too bad,
because those boys who raped Lacy,
will never understand what they did wrong till it was too late,
Why do we say to little girls,
‘that if a boy is mean to you,
it means he likes you?’
and they say they are sorry,
but Lacy is already dead on the inside,
and that’s why she now wears baggy jeans,
and large sweaters,
and why I’m her only friend,
because I’m not the only broken one.

And Kate got pregnant,
and Mark didn’t know,
and Kate wouldn’t get an abortion,
but she wouldn’t ruin Marks life,
So she killed herself,
and Mark was depressed,
because he loved her,
but it was too late.

And my sister came home with too many bruises,
and is no longer allowed to see the boy who lives across the street,
and she says she loves him more than herself,
and that is simply where she went wrong.

And I think about the boy who killed himself,
because he was gay,
and he couldn’t take it anymore,
and I know that I can’t do that,
because I know about the pain,
and pain doesn’t go away,
like electrons,
it only replaces.
Festers in someone elses mind and body.

And Tom talked to me for the first time since the eighth grade.
and he told me he still thinks I am pretty,
and it made me actually smile,
but I knew we couldn’t be anything,
because I need to take care of myself,
before him,
because I wont be like my sister,
and I will not be like Kate,
and I will not be like Lacy.

Tom and I were there,
at the end of junior year,
and he kissed me the second time,
and the last time,
and he told me that I am pretty three times,
and I smiled,
and then I realized something,
we are the big kids now,
and I am terrified.