Cold Ponies and the War Bracelet-Chapter 2

Backing away from the barred window slowly Carmen  felt the heaviness of hot dry air from the heat register around her feel like the hot air was trying to steal her breath.  If she was getting out tonight, she would have to miss bingo. She hated that bingo.  Suddenly Betty Benwith, the 4^th floor nurse appeared.   Her soft sole shoes doing their job of never giving her away.  Carmen smirked “Hmph”   She felt the anger rising within her and she gave the night nurse a piece of it.  “What’s the problem?” she snapped at the dour face of the nurse.  Nurse Benwith sucked in some air that helped her keep calm. “Nothing Carmen she forced a smile.   Bingo is about to begin. Won’t you join us?”  Well thought Carmen.  It might be a good idea. Sort of throw them off track.  She smiled and tried to look demure to Nurse Benwith and followed her.  She padded into the brightly lit but worn rec room. With its high ceilings, mustard yellow walls and barred windows.  Trying to disguise the presence of the rooms each window was donned with decorative cornucopia made by the residents and store bought ones from the staff.  It was enough to make Carmen sick.  Why try to cheer this place up it was depressing she thought as she sat down she couldn’t help noticing Nurse Benwith eyeing her suspiciously.  Did she know what she was about to do? How could she?  A streak of panic rose up in her and she forced it back down. Calm down.  How could she know? She had been behaving normally. Hadn’t she?  Stay in control girl can’t blow it now. She found herself nervously chuckling as she settled down in her seat at one of the back tables.  She looked around the hideous room and thought ‘this is the last time I will have to look at these faces.’  All appeared twisted and sort of destroyed. “Carmen”  Nurse Benwith interrupted her thoughts. “Would you like some hot cocoa” “Yes, please that would be nice”. Smiling thinking how that lovely serene face would look if she had to smash it with the radiator valve.  It had taken her two weeks to loosen it.  She had to use her gown doubled up because of the heat.  The exercise room had 4 such radiators in the room’s perimeter.  She just waited for a fight to break out.  It always did. Sometimes heart pumping exercise is all one needs.  She would pretend to retreat into the corner near the radiator pretending that the altercation bothered her and with her back to the radiator she worked the valve.  Sometimes she would entice the ruckas by stirring the pot between two residents.  It was easy.  And when that final twist  had freed it from the metal rod yesterday she felt freedom and elation.  With that twist was the beginning of a new life a free life not this boxed up holed up claustrophobic animal cage of a life.  She only prayed that no one noticed the missing valve before tonight was over and she was gone.

 

Mr. Fiorecci touched her hand “I16 you forgot to put your chip you got it see there” he nagged.  Carmen looked at him with cold brown eyes that her smile coundn’t soften.  He looked away hurriedly then looked down as if ready to cry. “Thank you” she nodded the steel look was still there. And Fiorecci knew it without even looking up. Sergio the bingo caller alias mean son of a b***h, bellowed another ball. By 10:30 the night skeleton crew begins. Just the security guard, cleaning lady and two orderly plus head nurse Barbara Renard.  And Renard leaves at 11:00.

 

Carmen’s mind was racing. But in spite of everything it still went back to the beginning When all hell broke loose! She was a teacher for the first time.  Teaching 3^rd grade at Calder Elementary school in Wilton before it happened.

 

The year had started out so promising, full of anticipation of her first job and a good one at that.  Not many teachers were so lucky to have this school as their first placement.    She remembers the first day like it was yesterday.  She had set up her small but purposeful classroom a week before with brightly colored calendars and with season mural on the walls underneath each workstation against the wall.  Even though the job was a good one she had accepted it with a little apprehension.  She had majored in musical theater.  But musical theater instructors were low in demand.  Thanks to budget cuts.  So she would teach 3^rd grade until a position came along.  Reading, English and Mathematics were first priority.  She had looked around for months after receiving her degree. She was going to have to start making payments towards her school loan.  It killed her the way the government could

 bail out big greedy corporations, but not students with huge education debts, unable to find jobs.  Finally Wilton board of Ed had called and told her that her qualifications were excellent and they would love to have her teach third grade.  Maybe later when the school received funds for the revised budget there she would be placed in performing arts program position.

 She quietly celebrated with a good bottle of wine and a feast of filet mignon and shrimp with her father at their favorite Long Island restaurant Miller Ridge Inn. She felt so blessed finally. She wasn’t used to counting her blessings because she never before felt blessed.

 

Her father looked at her over the table that night with pride in his eyes.  They had been alone since she was 11, growing up in a small house in Long Island, NY. That year after her 11^th birthday her mother decided that she just could not take being tied down a minute longer had left.  They never heard from her again.  Maybe she was dead.  She used to think that maybe her father killed her.  Even though her father had lavished gifts and attention on Carmen she could see he was bitter about her mother, the w***e-b***h.  She could see that no matter how he hard he tried to hide it,  he never got over it.  Sometimes she would catch him in the study looking at her mother’s picture that he never gotten rid of.  And when she caught him she noticed hot bitter resentment burning in his eyes.  Then as if to catch himself he always suddenly smiled.  It was always the same every time she happened to catch him.  It was like that til the day he died.  Lying on his deathbed for days he would mention her mother and always say “Remember the last really happy day we all had together?”  They had gone to the Carousel museum in Guilford, CT.  It was a great, fun day.    It was there her father saw her looking at a small musical carousel in the giftshop window.  It had a gold canopy and had nine painted ponies with brass rods in a circle.  The horses were arranged in different positions, one with its tail high and its head low.  Another with his head high and mouth opened showing white teeth.  All the saddles were done in high gloss porcelain and the pretty pastels of purple, yellow and blue had made her eyes glisten.  “The artwork is incredible” her father had commented. It was pretty pricey but her mother had made her father buy it for her.  Maybe for reconciliation for she knew she was planning to leave.

 

So as she was remembering that celebration night with her father, considering her self lucky and counting her blessings, she realized now she should have been counting her damnation instead.  Damn that kid.  He destroyed everything.

 

On that first day she found herself in from of 22 innocent potential music and theater lovers, a lofty idealism but that is how she wanted to see them.  She looked over at their eager but inquiring faces, trying to sum her up already.  All eyes seemed to be curious about the same thing.  What’s this one about? How much homework will she give? I hope she doesn’t smell funny.“Good morning, my name is Miss Durant.” She began  “Let me tell you a little about myself.  I’m new to Wilton.  I grew up in Long Island, NY. I moved here about six monts ago and I am still getting used to it but I like it very much.  And I’m so looking forward to teaching 3^rd grade this year.  This year we will be doing a lot of reading and writing.”  Some of the children groaned and she looked wistfully at them.  She knew children didn’t want structure they want to express themselves. “But I have to tell you”, she continued. Since I am such a great lover of the Arts, I know some of you will be happy to know that I will be asking you to add pictures to most writing that you do.   “That’s a bunch of bull, I hate that.” Came a cry from the back of the room. 

Her smile took a turn  of a semi tight grimace as her eyes searched the rows till they came to a little ruffled clothedboy sitting sprawled in his seat in the back row.  His hair was unkept black in color and wearing brown corduroys with a black stained sweatshirt. “Oh an art hater” She said trying to keep her voice light hoping no one noticed the slight quiver as her lips trembled.  All heads turned to face the bitter youth. “ I don’t like pictures or art that’s all” He said scoffing “And what’s your name?” Carmen tried to remain cool “Ken Bennett” the child answered matter of factly tone. Oh come Carmen Durant eyed him “ you don’t mean that you don’t like all pictures or art?” “yeah I do” “But why” Carmen questioned. “Drawing is for sissy Marys.” the young boy nastily squirmed in his chair. A couple of girls groaned and rolled their eyes “Speak for yourself, Kenny!” exclaimed the small Latino girl in the front burning her eyes into him.  “Everyone tells you make it colorful all the time. Its so boring” He squarely looked at her and his eyes were that of a snakes. Dark almost black eyes squinted almost shut as if he was lacking sleep from the night before.”  Carmen Hey Heyed them to stop.  Okay I have challenge Carmen thought  “Now Ken, I think I can change your mind.”  “Hey” he leaned forward in his chair, “If I don’t feel like doing something I don’t do it.”  Steady now Carmen told herself.  Why was that little imp calling her out like that, testing her authority in front of the whole class and on her first day, no less?  And why hadn’t someone from the faculty warned her about him.  Arent they supposed to do that? She walked over to him and leaned down “Ken” she almost whispered to him “Can you stay a few minutes after school so we can discuss this?”   “Oh, Oh” Came the class comment.  “Somebody’s’ already is trouble” one said “Its figures” said another “Now that’s enough of that” she demanded. “ I know it’s the first day and some of you are still in Summer vacation moods” she half laughed. No no, she had thought to herself, no running to the principal or whining to fellow teachers about this. This she would handle herself.

 

“Carmen, Carmen!  A high pitched voice brought her back to the bingo room and her present existence which after tonight would be history.  Fred Tolstein(or as he is better known “the twitcher”) her bingo neighbor on her right was standing up excitingly pointing at her card.  “You have Bingo!” You’re not paying attention he looked down at her.  Twitch, twitch. Carmen looked at the board on the table in front of her blankly.  Fred sat back down and pointed again. B-6, I-19, N-24, G44, O-66. “Damn Bingo” she meekly said.  Fred stared at her with bewilderment. No twitching there.  He slowly turned back to his card, as did all eyes in near vicinity.  What did it matter.  The coveted prize was two desserts at dinner the next night.  But I won’t be here for another lousy dinner in this place.  Some one at the next table shouted Bingo.  And all others groaned. “ Ok” Head nurse Stephanie Renard declared with triumph in her voice for the winner.   “Full card is two deserts for dinner for a week.”  Oh came gleeful exclaims from 4 or 5 people.  Carmen endured the next few minutes until bingo was called and all patients were told to go back to their rooms. Like they didn’t know the drill. They were like lab rats same routine week in week out.

 

Missy Bellingham passed Carmen in the hall then back tracked sidling up to her.   “I have to show you what my daughter gave me.”  Missy Bellingham was a sweet lady in her mid 50s whose husband basically drove her nuts.  Most the time you see her just sitting by the window, unlit cigarette in her mouth and drinking cokes through a straw and talking to anyone who was near. Talk around the staff says she was probably one of those  women who try to please everyone and her husband turned out to be one of those perfectionists. If you listen to rumors, that is. What was also said is when she finally  snapped, they found her naked on route 7 pulling at her hair.  Sad story.    The board at the hospital deemed her to be making amazing progress after a year and thinking about releasing her in a month.  Back to her husband.  She'll be back in 6 weeks, figured Carmen.  Running , naked pulling her hair out.  Yeah they eventually let you out after suffering a nervous breakdown.  But not for murder. 

 

Carmen could still hear his screams as he hung out the 4^th floor window.  “Don’t let me go. Don’t let me go.”

 

“Come in” Miffy was tugging at Carmen. Miffy went to her closet and pulled out a cardboard carton that was the floor.  Gently pulling back the flap she pulled out a rudely assembled, pink plaster paris carousel. “My grand daughter made it.”  I liked yours so much I mentioned it to my daughter and she went to a craft store and her and my 3 year old granddaughter made it.  Look! It’s almost like yours.” 

 

(“Daddy one more time can I ride it?”)The haunting memories came flooding back.  “Ok” her father had relented. Her mother smiling”. That lying smile of hers.

 

With one swift motion Carmen upswung at the carousel and it went flying toward the wall. Crack! It slid down to the brown dingy throw carpet and lay there with the wide eyed third horse staring up at the ceiling.  The canopy top had split and the jagged netting was twisted. “How dare you have what I have. You can’t do that!” Carmen  screamed enraged.  Miffy looked at the carousel and then at Carmen and ran from the room crying.  Carmen went over to the broken carousel and picked it up.  She really shouldn’t have done that.  She was holding it when Nurse Benwith came stomping in with Miffy Bellingham right behind her.  “What’s going on here?  Carmen did you knock Miffy’s present out of her hand?”  “What?” Carmen feigned surprise.  “I said I was sorry.  It was an accident.  I reached out to hold it�"“she stammered,  “and I knocked it out of her hand by accident.  She turned to  Miffy with a innocent look “Really it was an accident.” “No! NO! you did it on purpose.” Miffy protested.”  “Now, now ladies.” Nurse Benwith said. “It’s time for sleep. Its OK Miffy, it’s just cracked on top I have plaster paris and I can fix this tomorrow.”  Miffly looked a little relieved and she gave Carmen the evil eye.  “You’re rotten”  She said.  That what Ken had said to her.  Carmen just gave her a wry smile and walked out and into the yellow-lit hall into her dingy yellow colored space of her own.  Her heart started to feel very light and once in her room she started to giggle and she found she couldn’t stop. 

 

“What was that house number again?”  Jim asked Joel looking in his rear view mirror “27 There it is” Joel came across the front seat pointing to a white & black shuttered colonial surrounded by pine trees just across the intersection where they sat.  Rolling the window down Jim heard the music coming from the home’s stereo system. “It’s cold” Toni squealed.  Jim looked at her cute scrunched up face and quickly rolled up the window.  After knocking for what seemed eternity then pounding on the door, it punched open sending  a force of warm air,  bright lights,  laugher and music to greet them.    Not to mention the clicking of beer cans being opened.  “Hey it’s the two Js. Jim and Joel and the rest. How’s it going?!” Matthew Connelly from Engl. Lit. greeted them. A stogie held tightly in the corner of his mouth. Other nearby guests chimed in their hellos.  The host Matthew was one of Joel and Jim’s good friends. They had met at the beginning of the semester during soccer, which neither of them turned out to be very good at. He had a girl on each arm when he answered the door.  Just friends he seemed to say as he glanced at the two and shrugged.  “Good seein ya, glad you could come.”  Matthew exclaimed balancing that cigar like a big tycoon.  Jim nodded and said “Beautiful house Matt.”  “Yeah my parents like to live large.  There’s even a pool.”  “What good is a pool in November?” asked Joel.   Toni giggled.  “It’s in the basement dude” Matthew laughed.  “No way. “ Kathy and Toni looked  surprisingly shocked.  “Check it out go down the stairs at the back of the house.  The doorbell rang again. And Matt went to answer it “Catch you later!”  “Yeah later” Joel said.  “Lets go look” they snaked their way through the mass horde of some of  UCONN’s  student population.

 

 The high ceilings were all glossy white and the walls went from one neutral color of beige to gold to light green as they moved from the entrance to the kitchen to the family room, searching for the stairs.  Heavy tapestry type drapes adorned all the windows. The stairs turned out to be not so hard to find, you just had to follow the people with bathing suit and towels.  The basement door was next to the sliding glass doors leading outside. Down the wide carpeted stairwell they descended to the tiled floor lined with indoor, outdoor grey mats.  People were sitting on the white edge of the pool with their feet in the water.  Music was playing from the speakers in the corner of the stone walls, while about 15 people laughed and swam jumping in the pool. No Diving signs were posted everywhere. The pool was only 4 ½ feet. In the corner underneath one of the speakers, stood an inviting black leather standup bar to serve whatever your pleasure. You just had to get it yourself, no acting bartender on duty.  Jim and Joel Kathy and Toni looked at the glistening green blue tinted water under the high hats in the ceiling.    “Wow” “Awesome” and “Unbelievable” they all seemed to say at once.  Kathy let out a whoop laugh when she saw some of the swimmers were fully clothed.   While some other clothed personnel were looking at the inviting water trying to decide if they were going to do the same.  “In or out?’ Michelle and Danielle two other cheerleaders on the squad were asking Toni and Kathy.  They were fully dressed and in the water. And not surprisingly very drunk. Kathy turned to them and said “It took me 1 hour and a half to get my hair this way.  Not me.”  “Oh come on”, they urged in their wet skirts and sweaters.  Toni said “We’re in jeans.  You know what wet jeans feel like?  All you had to do was take off your tights and shoes.” “At least take off your shoes and  roll up your jeans to stick your feet in.  “Maybe later” Toni said giving them a Yeah sure… not, look. Turning to Kathy “Come on you want to get a wine.”

“Yeah sounds good.  Hey guys”  Joel and Jim turned to them

“We are gonna get something to drink. You want something?”    The girls failed to notice that the boys were entranced with watching all the girls with wet tops scamping around. “Ah just a coke or Pepsi for me” Jim said. “You’re driving I’ll take a beer.” Said Joel.  Toni smiled at Jim. What a great guy, she thought. That’s what drew her to him. His sincerity. He seemed so responsible and committed to things like the car and his future and he wasn’t bad looking either. And she liked the car. 

 

“Look out” screamed a big guy with black curly hair.  Toni yelled “Kevin.” “Coming through” he shot past the four and canon balled into the pool.  Jim pulled Toni back and stepped in front of her and got drenched.  Joel and Kathy also got splashed.  “You saved me” Toni looked into his eyes with a look made hisis water-clogged eyes shine and made him go weak in the knees.  “Let’s go back upstairs to get our drinks.”  He said shaking the water drops off his clothes. “I think I need a towel too”

 “Good idea” and they followed the stairwell back up to less insanity.  Once back upstairs the mood carried thru the four large rooms that occupied the first floor of the house.  Laughter seemed to be echoing back and forth between rows as the groups of different young people that came together began mingling with other partiers. Upstairs in one of the bedrooms music droned sweetly.    While two bodies entangled on the king size bed so lost in each other they didnt notice at the end of the love song the interruption of a winter storm warning.  

“Temperatures would hover around freezing with cloud mass moving in predicting 12 to 18 “ of snow in our area.   warning that everyone should stay home tonight in the greater NY,CT, NJ area.”

 

Carmen switched off the radio and blew out a desperate sigh. Just what I need. She thought. Walking over to her closet she pulled out 2 pairs of pants 3 sweaters and threw them quietly on the bed carefully tiptoeing to the bureau she peered out the door into the hall.  Just to check if any one was coming. Satisfied that this was not the case, she pulled open the bottom draw for her leotard used for exercise class and then the top drawer holding her wool socks.  She then walked to the wall by the room door and  hit the switch.  Pulling the door closed to the darkness of the room.  She felt her way back to bed and started to dress.  She was satisfied knowing that she would look like she over 200 lbs when she finished dressing. Through the darkness she could still envision that child hanging out of the window held up by his hand on the ledge screaming “Help me! Help me.” She could see her hand grasping his to pull him up then suddenly  her hands slipped out of his.  ‘Let go on purpose’ they had said.  Those little monsters, why did they lie about it.  They were all sitting right there. Frozen. They saw the whole thing.  It was an accident! Yes it was!  She told herself for the 100^th time as she pulled on the thick sweater.  She was traumatized for months and had tens of hours of therapy.  All that and it still landed her here.