Auschwitz or Horsemeat?

You will die as you sleep, as you live.

 You mimic a graceful creature
but with animal idiocy
and those frantic, dead-pool eyes
you fail to realize beauty.

 

 Your teeth, they tear innocent flesh
In your hoofprints lie memories
Of situational murders
Or false prophesies of confidence.

 

 But you lie weak and mange ridden-
wallow in your inanity
and drink deeply lest you lift your
head and see this overwhelming world.

Author's Note

Eh, kind of a first draft.

Reviews

[Forest Green]

Poignant though unpolished...nice glancing brushes with rustic, 'western', terminology: 'In your hoofprints lie memories'...'mange ridden'...

Unique and worth developing...!

[Gary H]

that was interesting. be tempted to take the 'you's and 'your's out although you (ha!) may have to revamp the second to last line to do this. having already expressed the reason why the poem is direct at 'you' I do not feel you need to dwell on this by repetition. be tempted to use more definite punctuation as this will help express the lines of thought. good concept. as you know, from a first draft there may be many more before the perfect piece comes out. I've never got there but it is worth pursuing!

[Sharon Miller Bolander]

I'm glad to have the chance to read a first draft that offers as promising a command of language through poetic eyes as this one does. The world is an overwhelming place. I've seen a lot of it, and it grows a bit smaller for me as a result. BUT, we do have to open those eyes or we only waste away. Please do keep those thoughts going and that pen flowing.

[Sheila Kline]

hummm.....a good first draft! Keep working on it as it contains much food for thought about society!
You write with depth which shows concern, and an ability to see through the haze!