Waking to a Shot of Whiskey

Written quickly for a writing contest, then edited. The 'theme' was darkness.

  The suffocating oppression that comes from being locked in a dark room didn't bother him. How could it? He was no longer in this world. He was beyond the universe of slurred speech and stumbling steps. He was in a place he would never come back from. Getting his eyes to focus would be impossible, as he lay trapped in the arms of countless bottles of alcohol. He had ingested the contents of every glass bottle that shone at him invitingly, and he was now falling into infinity.
  He had thought that all he needed was a nap...but then the full realization of what he had done made his head ache worse than the hangover he would never have, and he lumbered to the bathroom and locked the door.
  The cold, hard tile sparkled comfortingly, as he collapsed in a jumble of stringy hair, unwashed clothing, and skinny limbs that stuck at odd angles. As he spiraled toward unconscousness, he didn't think of the dark whispers that would come at the explanation of how and where he died. All that passed through his dulled mind was the reminder of how very tired he was and the thought: "It was easy, so easy" that repeated in an endless loop as the darkness grew more complete.

Author's Note

I am really, really not liking this. Any suggestions of how to fix this would be appreciated.

Reviews

[Alphachad]

You kidding me? I liked it.Its dark, complete and intriguing. If you think this is bad you should read my stories :D

[Suzy Sunshine]

I have no clue why you don't like this because it is simply amazing!
I mean, just how you explained how this man was dying was beautiful.
You made everything so complex by saying things like "as the darkness grew more complete."
You're also very good at the descriptions of everything and what someone thinks about when they're drunk. When you wrote "it was easy. so easy" it touched me. It was a great line!
I don't know why you don't like this because, girl, it's great and extremely well written!

[MaNdYe]

I can relate to your story all to much. I would'nt change anything.

[Collect-Eye]

throw in an internal dialog between levels of the subconscious mind. That's a good place to start if you feel unsatisfied.

[Somebody you've already..]

Im not good at advice on poems but if you explain it more and give more detail it would make it better. but i still like it as is.

[Wildecat]

Actually I have been there a few times myself, good descriptoin of being inebreiated. Finally got my head together and learned when to say when nice write. Also thanks for the kind comments on my poem ( Hooker)