Some Time Out

A Story by Renzel Pongase

I spent the last few days thinking on whether it was right of me to talk to him on that day because it would have been so much better if I hadn't. He used to be this charmer that I dreamed of every night. It was so much better just watching him read a novel during lunch. I know it sounds weird but when you're in my place right now, you would wish you could all just take back everything and rewind the time I knew little of him, to the time I only knew that he likes scribbling in his calculus notebook.

But right now, I'm withheld with the idea that the boy sitting across my table is different.This Ezra is not the guy I met a few years ago. This Ezra is sloppy, tired and is giving up. It's far from the Ezra I talked to every 4th period a few semesters ago. For the past few days, we rarely talk but I still keep on stealing glances on him and I never saw him smile anymore. I never saw him laugh at TJ Tyler's jokes, and he stopped scribbling on his notebook. The worst part is, both of us know that each choice we make won't end well.

Then I think back to the day I became aware of everything, to the time I see the world differently, the time I knew the truth about him---"Lung Cancer". I repeat the words in my mouth and I couldn't think straight anymore. We both know that at some point, we should talk about it but it was clear from the space that we are giving to each other that neither of us wants to talk. I think talking would just end things. So as twisted as this sounds, this is how our relationship works. There's space, no contact, no conversation, just silence. And the silence is getting louder between us.

I consider thinking of the one choice that would somehow make sense but then fades into nothing in just a span of three months. The happiness is temporary but it's still there. I will feel what it's like to be with him but the sadness is there too, knowing that everything I'm feeling will end sooner. Nothing will feel the same right after his death. But then if I choose to leave without even fighting, I know I'll regret it. Ezra wants me to choose the second one. He thinks it's better for me. He thinks it's better to just forget him but I can't.

With my heart throbbing painfully in my chest, I slowly approached my emotional passing. I stand up from my table and took a few steps towards him. He looks up from his book, his eyes showing despair for the next few months but I smile for him. I smile because I know that this is my twisted happy ending. He smiles too. I can tell he's trying really hard for this to be normal but it's hard to feel normal when you're seeing the end of the line. I shook my head and erased those thoughts. He didn't ask for this, none of this was his fault.

"I'm beginning to think you're a slow reader.", I say pointing at the book. "I've been seeing you reading this for weeks now."

"Seems like I am", he says putting down the book in the table. "So..."

"So...", I pause. "Have you seen the latest season?"

He slowly let out a chuckle. And we're back to normal and I think I just heard our clock ticking, timing us, waiting for the three months to end. I ignore it and he helps me do this as he put his earphones in my ears.