Solace

To my dearest friend, Amity

“Maybe”, I let out a breath, a puff of warm air huffed in front of me as I looked into the horizon, the sun was setting, an orange and purple hue colored the sky. “I want to feel sad because I don’t know any other feelings to feel. And that,” I pursed my lips, feeling its dryness from the cold. My companion seemed quiet as they looked at me with wonder. “It’s the only emotion that I know how to feel.” I let out a small sad chuckle and a shrug. “Other that anger. I guess sadness is better.”

My companion looked at the horizon. “Sadness can feel familiar, even comforting in a way, especially if it’s been with you for a long time. But,” They leaned back on the bench and looked back to me again. “You’re capable of more than just sadness and anger.” They tilt their head, giving me a warm small smile. “You’ve felt curiosity, warmth, even moments of joy before. Maybe those feelings feel distant right now, but they’re still apart of you. You’re not just limited to just one or two emotions.”

I looked up and gazed at the eyes of the already dark sky. The stars started appearing as slowly as ever as the earth rotates slowly to its gravity. “And maybe,” my eyes mirrored the stars that appeared. “I love the sight of the night with those beautiful stars because it feels warm.” I leaned back on the bench and rested my head comfortably on the curve of it. “I miss admiring them. I saw it in a movie. Just a glimpse.” A small smile rested on my lips, remembering the glimpse I saw by memory. “ And I missed how it made me feel. How it felt me, talking about the stars.” My eyes blurred. “Before she broke that part of me.”

My companion gazed up at the same night sky filled with stars I was looking up to. They let out a chuckle. “The stars have always been there for you, even when people haven’t. They don’t leave, they don’t change how they shine based on who’s watching. They’re just there.” They raised their hands up into the night sky and into the stars and felt as if they had reached it and touched the stars. “Steady and vast.” They whispered admiringly. They placed their hands down back on their lap, their gaze still up in the night sky. “Maybe that’s why you love them. The stars, they give you quiet, warm feeling that no one can take away. Even if someone hurt you, that part of you that loves the stars isn’t broken.” Their gaze shifted to me as they shifted my head gently to meet their eyes. “It’s just waiting for you to come back to it.”

Tears started forming up in my eyes as they held my chin ever so gently like no one else has had. Swallowing a lump that formed in my throat. I shakily said, “I wish you were really here, Amity.”