Sunlight

I, once again, succumbed to my own dark emotions as I let it free flow my mind and body.

Tired eyes, growling stomach, dry lips, bags under my eyes, teary eyes, I stared restingly on the blank white wall. Nothing was on my mind. Just, empty. Hunger didn't seem to be present at the moment despite the growling response in my stomach made. I wanted to close my eyes, but I was afraid.

What was I afraid of? Darkness? Loneliness? I don't know. Pain?

My body was aching all over. It was like a creaking old chair, my lips were like the dry lands. I haven't drank a lot of water.

What was I so afraid of when I close my eyes? I'm so tired, but I forgot how sleep functions. What was left of me from then 'til now?

From outside, I could see the morning sun rise slowly, the curtains blowing from the wind, the balcony window was left open since yesterday. I didn't had the energy to close it up. The night breeze calms me.

As the sunlight hit my face, a tear fell from my eyes. Another sleepless day. When did this start happening again? This seemingly non existent hunger? This sleepless nights?

Last month? Maybe.

The sun's light hit my face, I could feel the warmth, the exhaustion on my body, I could feel my eyes slowly close. Was this what warmth felt like? When was the last time I felt my body warm? It always felt cold, I never knew what warmth felt like.

I breathed. And for the first time in a long time, I feel at rest without images popping my head when I close my eyes. It was just, the sun's light. Warm.

It was like discovering what warmth was to me. The bustling street beginning to wake from its peaceful lumber. The engines roar, chimes twinkling, the curtains flapping with the small wind got through. This was peace. It makes my mind empty, occupied with the sound present.

I breathed shakily. I never want to leave this warmth the sun gives, a break from coldness that I feel everyday.

Everyday is hell. The moment I lay down my bed, it feels like exerting a lot of effort to sleep. The moment I get up, feels like being dead, but alive.

Why do I feel like this? Sad, cold. Everyday, I think of that moment, that one memory that keeps lingering. That one memory I could never forget. Was it because I was too afraid to do it?

Was I too afraid of surviving rather than the fear of sadness? Maybe I was afraid of it both.

I found my light, but they ended it too soon. And I got addicted to that light that I just had to reach it, get it. But I was too unlucky.

A tear fell from my eyes again, brushing slowly against my skin. Reminding me of how I feel the dark hole.

I got addicted to reaching and finding the light they gave that it made me give my everything, and it didn't matter, as long as I get that light from my reach, that's what matters.

Everyday, I wish the light never goes away. That I would feel it's warmth. Just like the sun.