The Color Of Everything

I wanted a hug. I wanted to stop living.

How do you know if someone you barely know, would actually be the person you would be asking for help. In those moments where no one is there to be there for a shoulder to cry on, and she was the only person you could think of of messaging. You didn't want to, but you had no choice because you wanted help, and you'd think that she would just ignore your messages like she always does.

Well I didn't think that she would. And I didn't think that it was right for me to be this stupid to send help to someone I barely knew in class. Someone I knew that was outgoing and smart, and has a lot of experience. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to feel something because I was starting to feel numb again, to feel hopeless, to feel nothing once again. And I didn't know what to do.

The person who I always talk to about this, is nowhere to be found. And, the truth is, she's my ex. I was always so open to her, so vulnerable with my thoughts. She knows me so well, and I know her so well too. We became friends, no feelings, no whatsoever. But I knew I still had a little feeling for her, because she was my first in everything. She was the one who saved me out from my own misery, from my own darkness, she was the abbreviation of light in my darkness. She understood me, she was there when no one was, she was the perfect woman anyone could have gotten. But she wasn't perfect. She had her own misery too.

Who am I kidding? No one is ever really perfect. We always have a broken side of us that makes us what we are. What we long for, is what makes us better but with a twisted road ahead to shape us. We've done some things that we regret at one point in our lives. And sometimes, we were really regretted it because that's what made us, us. We move so fast that we actually miss the moments we were supposed to see. We rush everyday to our daily routine that we miss the best things, the colorful things that seems so dull around us and we tend to ignore it. We always seem to go somewhere yet we don't see the colorful things that makes life so beautiful. We always seem to surround ourselves with beautiful things, but we don't see what were supposed to see. And sometimes, there are those people who you didn't expect would unexpectedly come in to your life, waltzing.

I always try and try to be the best person to fix others, to understand others, to be there when they needed a shoulder to cry on, to be all ears when they needed someone to listen to them. But I never thought about myself. I never thought about how it would be for my side. I never thought about my own mentality, because, truth be told, I knew what to tell myself, I knew how to look through the positive side. I knew where to find myself if I drown from all their miseries. But sometimes, I get lost. And I wouldn't know what to do in that point.

What would I expect, that the person who I barely knew, would actually be the person who would unexpectedly be the one who I would be asking for help. How would she help? What would she do? What would I do?

I wanted a hug.

2

I looked up in the sky, cloudy, gray, moving at a fast pace, the filled music from a far matching the nostalgic feeling. The buildings looked so good in view with the sky so gray, so peaceful. I hadn't had a feeling like this since. The way I looked at everyone after a breakdown, the way it felt, as if I knew something that I hadn't known. I never looked at anyone like that, in their eyes, in everything they do. It was an alienated feeling.

For once, I took the courage to look everyone in the eyes, to keep my head up, knowing that the sadness in my eyes wouldn't be seen. I never felt so vulnerable before, so open, so close to tears. Maybe because for once, no, twice, I didn't want to end up helpless. Helpless the same way I was back then.

The way I observed everyone, as I turned around and looked at everyone in my class, which I had never done before, I was so close to seeing their own emotions, like reading an open book. Away from the phone, away from the games I have in my phone, I wanted to feel everyone's emotions, I knew it was an impossible thing to do as I am only a human being and not some super human. But I felt it, a glitch, the thing when I looked at everyone for a second, for a minute, that thing.

I couldn't explain the feeling I had. I didn't know how to express it, because when I do, it would sound so fake and an attention grabber that sounds in a bad way.

When I arrived, the word that it is my birthday today, was like a butterfly effect. It passes down to one person to two person and it goes on and on. I didn't want to celebrate my birthday. I shied away from whoever greeted me. I was already drowning. The sadness in my eyes was already evident. I just wanted to be alone at that moment, repeating the readied sentence I was going to ask to my professor that I could not do the given task she asked me to. Even when I had everyone, I still felt sad. I still felt numb, empty, broken. And I wondered, was this the time of my life where I would finally give up completely? Would I be able to do it? Is this the time of my life where no one would expect that I would do it, with all the talk and help, and happiness I showed to everyone? This second time around, that I am losing my sense of purpose?

I waited, we waited, until the bell rang, I could feel the tears brimming up the cup. I couldn't meet anyone's eyes for the fear that my tears would burst. I didn't like being vulnerable to everyone. I didn't like anyone seeing my tears. It felt so heavy, weighting down and down deeper in a hole, deeper in the ocean, drowning. But I bursted in tears anyway, in front of my psychology professor. I was so full of tears, I couldn't hold it. And I ended up sitting with my professor in front, crying, trying to wipe it, but it wouldn't stop. It flowed so freely from freedom. I couldn't speak so well, it was so hard to speak, I had no other sentences that could describe what I felt, but one.

I'm tired of living.