Sweetest Sorrow

She was warmth to my coldness, I was her fuel to her fire.

She was my good night, I was her sweet dreams. I realized that when I had let her go temporarily. Some would ask, "Why just temporarily?" We had agreed and talked for hours of what she wanted, what I wanted, what we both wanted.

She wanted to find herself and love herself, and to heal completely. I wanted her to stay, and protect her. We both wanted each other. In other words, we both still loved each other.

It was an ache to my chest when she had said she wanted to seperate for a long time. I didn't want that, I was being selfish. She was my warmth to my coldness, and I was her fuel to her fire. We both wanted each other. But we knew we came too fast to it which resulted to a frail relationship.

Two weeks had been hard for the both of us. We had ignored each other, knowing the other was hurt or either crying. We had spoken, only to argue for a few short minutes, and we were back to ignoring each other. I was hurt, she was hurt. We both were in pain, yet pride led us to our peak .It never worked for us in the last two weeks to talk sincerely without arguments rising. She was busy with work, I was busy with whatever I can. But in those moments, in those two weeks, we were busy with fueling our own pride. It was hard to break the ice of pride when we both had it.

But in the day we weren't busy, I stroke up a conversation, she did the same. We talked and talked for hours 'til dawn. Saying our own apologies to each other. Saying how we never meant what we said to each other.

And then, she wanted a time out. I was hurt but I understood her. It was all my fault to begin with. Why she suddenly wanted a time out. Thinking of the mistakes I did, like every other woman would think after.

I had hurt her, instead of bringing the pieces back to her. A promise I had broken that couldn't be mended. I knew I had to give her what she wanted, but I knew I didn't like being away from her either. I had told her that, and that was the start of a hurtful sorrow.

Another days we have had small emotionless talks, and long awkward sad silences. Hurt and in pain. Until finally, sadness overtook me, tear staining my cheeks every night, an aching clench would be felt through my heart. knew she was in pain as the same.

And then one day, I couldn't stand the hurt anymore. I called her in the middle of the night. Longing to hear her voice that calms me.

"It's late, why are you still awake?.", she said in her groggy, sleepy voice. My heart longing for more to hear her voice. Warmth filling in, even if it was just a little.

"I can't sleep.", I finally said after closing and opening my mouth a few times to say something. Making sure my voice didn't break.

I hear her sigh. "I know it's hard. But you need to understand that we both need this." Somehow, she always knew what I was thinking.

I sigh sadly, knowing she was right, tears rolling slowly down my cheeks. "I know...", my voice almost cracking.

"Alyssa, love, let's go back to sleep. Okay?, Hearing her say my name made me smile a bit and a bit of warmth inside me. Making me calm. "We'll be alright. We can talk about this tomorrow when I get home. Okay?"

I nodded, but forgot she couldn't see me. "Okay."

"You should sleep. I don't want you to get sick. Okay?"

"Okay.", I said silently. Longing to hear more of her voice. I didn't want it to end yet. But I knew that there was already a big boundary drawn between us. And I couldn't over step that bold line. I didn't knew why I couldn't, even though I knew it was okay. I closed my eyes, stopping the tears from falling.

"Go to sleep. Okay? Good night..."

Why couldn't I step over that ugly bold line between us? Was I afraid? I sighed silently in defeat.

"Good night..." I love you.

And then the phone call ended. Sadness filled me in. I wanted to say it out loud. But I wasn't sure if it was the right thing, I was thinking of that ugly bold line between us again. I wasn't too sure what she would say if I had said it. No, more like afraid of what she would say. And I couldn't lose this opportunity that we can talk without arguments rising. Short talk anyway.

---

Waking up, has become the hardest to do in the morning now. Not knowing what would happen later when we talk. I dreaded she would say she will leave. I did not want that. I wasn't ready to let her go. I wanted to text her good morning, but, it broke my heart that I know she would be too busy to reply to my text. It would take time for her to reply. And I wasn't used to it. But I did it anyway.

Summer was taking its time to walk. And I wish it would pass quickly, because I did not want to suffer in my sweetest sorrow. Thinking that today, was going to change, but the feelings would still be the same.

Afternoon came, no, rather, I woke up at noon, still tired and wanting to sleep. I stood in the middle of the kitchen, not knowing what to do, confused of where should I start to move. I sigh sadly, glancing down at the floor, ending up sitting down hunched. Tears became my comfort, and the ache in my heart, became the beat that will always remind me of my sweet love. My tears slid down my cheeks, down into the floor, falling like waterfalls of sorrow.

I did not stop crying, until all was left, was nothing to pour out. Devoid of emotions, empty in vessel. I stood up, wiping my tear stained cheeks, and grabbed a cereal for breakfast.

-

The night later, we had talked for an hour, having to call her twenty-three times in the night before we talked. I cried again, thinking that I did not want to lose her. Wondering if she turned her phone on silent. But relievely sad, when she texted what was wrong.

Special Best Friends. That was what we decided to be while she would heal herself. I was relieved, yet so heavy in my heart. I knew that, that would have to do than nothing. It was hard to accept, that we would only be Best Friends. But I accepted it nonetheless. I could not lose her at all. I would wait for her no matter how long it takes for her to completely heal, I will. We had agreed on one thing that night, she would protect me when and if, I ever I met another girl to love, and I, the same. But I knew, I would not be able to love somebody else that was not her, and she knew I will wait for her with open heart. And we both knew, that we were willing to wait for each other. As best friends, or as girlfriends, we knew of each others feelings.

She was the warmth to my coldness, and I was her fuel to her fire. But today, tomorrow, until she comes back, she will always be my good night, and I will be her sweet dreams.