Lovely Sadness

A girl drowning in her own regrets.

One morning, I woke up finding her crying at the end of the bed. I did not know what I was going to do. I did not know why she was crying, I thought of yesterday, but everything was fine. I went to her side and hugged her tightly, caressing her arm and soothing her.

"Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Did you have nightmares? What is it, tell me."

"I c-can't tell you."

I hugged her tighter, and kissed the top of her head. "No, no. Tell me. I want to know why you're crying. I want to make you better. I don't want to see you crying. Tell me, please." It hurt the inside of me that she did not want me to know. But I had a feeling, that it broke my insides and hurt my heart.

"I. . .I still miss her."

I closed my eyes briefly. Tears fell from my eyes as I heard it. I almost loosened my grip on her, but reminded myself that I did not want to loose her. I know it hurts so much, I'm also human that feels pain. I could take any pain, but this, I could not take the feeling away of hearing the love of my life saying she still missed her.

"I-I still love her."

The creases of my brow deepened. My mind, racking a reason why she still loved her, racking any thing that I did do wrong, racking for something I lack to give to her. Was it love? Did I lack love for her? Did I do something wrong that made her think like this? Did I do something she didn't like?

"I'm sorry. I. . .I know I could be stupid and dumb, and I'm sorry for bringing you this mess. I just, I just. . .", she sobbed. " I still love her. And I'm sorry. "

My grip, loosened around her, tears falling like waterfalls down to my cheeks. I blinked so hard, brows burried in confusion, I let go of her, hearing her cry loudly. I stood up, hurt, and left the room. Tears falling non-stop down my cheeks, I swallowed a lump in my throat, I could not bare this feeling again, but I know I couldn't do anything about it anyway. It would just linger again and again, no matter how much I try to do different things to distract me again and again. A feeling of a dangerous nostalgia. I sighed shakily, stopping midway in the living room. I hate this feeling of uselessness. I hate the feeling of not knowing what to do.

I wiped my tears, grabbed my keys and phone, and left without saying goodbye. I did not know where I was going, maybe I'll just go around town and never stop driving.

�"�"�"

I decided to stop at the secluded part of the beach. Sighing as I stopped the engine, resting my head on the wheels and closing my eyes briefly. Tears dropping again on my legs, I sobbed, sat up and sighed deeply and got out of the car. I wiped my tears with my palms, and took a long look at the secluded beach. I sighed once again, and started trekking to wherever my feet took. I did not care one bit about anything else but the golden brown sand on my feet and those little grey ugly crabs walking sideways and the sea shore, whooshing again and again, repeatedly, and the cold breeze that hit my skin, ruffling my hair and, rippling through my shirt; and the sun's rays hitting the half side of my body, letting me feel the warm rays on my skin.

The ocean glinted as the sun's rays hit the surface of the water. It glinted like stars in the sky, giving a warm calm feeling. Looking at it, makes me think, how beautiful it is above, but having to look at under, would be an ugly mess of predators waiting for their preys. Silently, waiting for their trap to work and successfully grab the weak preys that couldn't get away from the predators grip.

I sighed. I sat down on the sand, hopeless at what to do, and what to think. I lied down on my back, watching the white clouds moving so slow at its pace through the blue sky. A seagulls flying in flock, a lone small brown bird, flying on its own. I closed my eyes, and listened to the sound the beach gave. The ocean, the breeze, the seagulls, the lone bird, the trees swaying with the breeze. I could lie in here all day long, just listening to my surroundings, and never come back.

But I knew I had to go home and talk it out with her. I couldn't just leave her there. I opened my eyes and sat up, not minding the sand that stuck in my hair. I sighed again, standing up and with a heavy heart, started walking forward. Following the small grey ugly crab walking sideways then slowly curving to towards the sea. I sigh and stopped short to look at the crab disappear in the waters. Suddenly, a dumb looking seagull landed just beside the shore and pecked the crab out of the waters and into the sand, the crab fighting for it's life, snapping its claws up to the huge dumb looking seagull.

I stood there, and watched the crab and the seagull fight. I sighed, and waited. I'm pretty much sure the seagull will win because he's bigger and has the survival instinct to survive at its fittest. Finally after a few minutes of fighting, the seagull finally succeeded in grabbing its meal on his pale orange beak by shaking off the crab and swallowed it whole. I shivered at the sight. The seagull pecked a few things, peices of shells, small pebbles, broken part of stones, before he flew off away farther from the ocean. I sighed once again for the umpteenth time and continued to trek.

As I continued my trek on the beach, I found a discarded bended can, buried in the sand. I stop and looked at it for awhile. Suddenly, a wave of anger flashed through me and I kicked the discarded can on the sand with the force of anger. I kicked and kicked the sand, the ugly crabs flying away and thrown far away from where I am standing, some of them where thrown on the water, making a small tiny sound of splash. I screamed at the top of my lungs, letting my anger out. Stomping my foot, which was a mistake, considering I did not see the sharp broken shell underneath the sand.

"Agh! Damn it!", I curse and picked up the sharp shell with anger, and threw it away in the sea. I huffed and sat down with a hard soft thud on the sand, nursing my bleeding right foot. I hissed painfully as I watched it bleed. Small drips of blood, oozing out on the sole of my foot.

I exhaled loudly and angrily, relieving the anger and trying to subside the pain of the wound. I click my tongue on the hood of my mouth and then exhaled loudly.

"Damn it.", I frustratingly hit my leg with my fisted hand, and winced at the impact.

I look up at the sky for a minute, tears began to flow out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Dropping on my legs, I swallowed a lump that formed in my throat. I sobbed so slowly and gently, and bowed my head, my hands finding its way on my face. I shook and sobbed, my anger turning to a messy sadness.

And then again, I did not know what to do. I did not know what to think, what to feel, nor what to do. Not a single thought occupied my mind but to cry.

And it pisses me off more that I am crying for something I didn't know. I did not want to cry, but my heart wanted to spill every tears it has filled. And I hated that I had filled my heart with those unshed tears.

I grabbed a fistful of sand and threw it away. I was a mess. Maybe I'm too much to handle. Maybe I lack of things that everyone has. I sobbed harder and shook violently from sadness. The pain on my foot went numb, I could not feel the stinging pain nor the slick red liquid slide down my foot and into the sand.

I felt numb that I became unaware of the actions I made. Feeling the sea hit my head repeatedly, drowning my thoughts away from my mind.

I close my eyes and stayed still, forgetting the wetness on my shirt. Hearing the whooshing sound of water hit my ears repeatedly, giving me a sense of silence in my mind.

I exhaled and inhaled slowly, and opened my eyes gently. Smelling the scent of the sea. My once dangerous wild thoughts, stopping and replaced by emptiness. I sat up, stood, ignoring the stinging pain the open wound on my foot gave and walked towards the vast sea.

The red liquid, flowing out like smoke in the sea. The small tiny fishes swam away each step I took in the wet sand under the sea. The ugly crabs, crawling away, inches away from my step, but surviving by dodging.

I stopped for a moment on my walk in the sea, waist length, I look back to where my car was and froze.

She stood still, standing near the car and her eyes set on me. A worried sadness pasted on her face. I blinked, and she disappeared. I panicked and looked everywhere for her, my eyes darting quickly to and from where she was standing. I took a step forward on land, and searched for her, my head whipping as I did. But I couldn't find her, nor was she really here.

I look down on the waves, and thought, was I hallucinating? Was it just something I wished to see? I sighed.

I turn around and continued walking towards the open sea. What was I doing here? What was I looking for? I stopped. I was standing near the deep part of the ocean, with my shoulders down drowned in the sea, while my head above the danger.

I gulped, I exhaled shakily, and dived in the sea. Holding my breath, and moving my arms and feet to swim down deep further and forwards. The fishes swimming away, small and average ones. Colorful fins and scales, shimmering as they move their slender body. Corals of pale blues, orange, whites and greens, standing firm and beautiful in the bed of the sea, their owners swimming in and out. The long wavy seaweeds, flowing so smoothly and freely with the current. An average sized octopus fitting itself on a narrow space and camouflaged, ready for a prey to swim in and fall for its slimy deathly grip.

A school of colorful fishes swam by in front of me, making me stop short, leaving their trail of waves in my face.

My wound on the sole of my foot, completely forgotten, the bills of money I slipped in yesterday in my short's pockets, forgotten. I swam, not minding of those things on my pockets.

What did I want to gain from swimming? What did I want to see? What was I doing? Did I want to see something? But what? I was finding nothing but the life of the sea. The beauty in it, the dangers in it.

I stopped swimming and flailed my hands and feet gently as to float under. I turned around so slowly, flailing my arms to turn to the direction I wanted. I saw the fish swimming wanderless in the trap of the octopus. I waited patiently, almost out of breath, for the octopus to grab its meal.

The fish inched closer to where the octopus was, thoughtless of what was to happen to its life. Finally, the octopus took its chance, and grabbed the lone fish with its long slimy tentacles in a strong tight grip. My brows furrowed, I took pity on the helpless fish struggling for its life. The fish suddenly stopped struggling and layed still on the tentacles of the octopus. The octopus then got out of its hiding place, and swam away. I watch it disappear in the deep sea until I couldn't see it anymore.

Out of breath, I swam up towards the surface, struggling to flail my arms up to surface my head, depending my arms for me to survive. But I was too far away from the surface to hold my breath much longer.

My vision is starting to blurry, my arms failing to give strength to surface me. I opened my mouth, so out of breath, my hands automatically reached for my chest, whilst my other was trying to reach the surface of the sea. My sight, darkening that I could not see my other hand reaching. The lid of my eyes were getting heavy, my strength draining out from the lack of air, the pressure pushing me down further down the ocean. I drew out my last breath and twitched.

Is this what it feels like to drown in my own regrets?

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