[untitled]

 

A Midlife Crisis

© 2003 Gary L. Benton, All Rights Reserved

 

Maude looked around the mo’bile home and was not happy.   She had expected much more in her life at the age of fifty. Things had not gone well for her at all. In high school she had had such high hopes and such big dreams. Sure, she had married Bubba, the man of her dreams, and they lived well, but it was still not what she expected out of life. In a way, Maude was mad at the way life treated her and Bubba. Bubba worked hard and was successful in his own way, but there was more to life than a new truck, gun rack, and a used double wide mo’bile home, right?

            There was knock on the door and Maude knew it was Nadine Lucille. Nadine worked down at Andy’s café and was a knock out by any standard. Most of the men went by for coffee just to see her when she was working. She had a big chest, nice firm rump, and Maude hated her for those assets. Why couldn’t the woman be just a little fat like so many Southern women? Maude walked to the door and opened it.

            Nadine was standing there with Taterhead, the beagle, jumping on her right leg. That dawg is at it again, thought Maude, He is such a jumper. I should have Bubba take him behind the house and thump him once behind the ear with a big stick.  But, she smiled at Nadine and said, “Just ignore him honey. He is like Bubba. He’s jus’ happy to see ya is all.”

“I done been ‘norin’ his buns, but he won’t stop.” Nadine said with more than just a hint of anger in her voice.

“Taterhead! Ya go and count the chickens. Get outta heah and now!” Maude screamed and moved toward the dog.

Taterhead, scared, quickly moved back away from Nadine but started to growl at the two women. His fur was standing up and his teeth were bared. Saliva dripped from his open mouth.

“He looks just like Bubba when he is innerested in sex an’ I say no,” Maude said and then gave a loud horse laugh.

Nadine laughed as well and moved into the mobile home. She looked around and was surprised to find that Maude was such a good housekeeper. Bubba always looked so dirty and unkempt that Nadine thought it was a family trait. Now she knew it was just Bubba.  The boy would probably look a boar hog dressed in gold and silk. Of course, Maude always looked clean and dressed well. After all, she bought all her clothes at Wally’s World.

Maude offered Nadine a seat and soon the two of them were comfortable in the old over-stuffed sofa as they talked. The air was filled with cigarette smoke as the two woman started to discuss life in general.

“So, how be thangs heah in the holler Maude?” Nadine asked as she took a deep drag from her cigarette.

“Been as busy as a one legged man in a two mile race ‘round heah. Bubba done made a new garden and our old truck needed a new block. Of course, the dawgs been a real handful and little Bubba Junior is starting to date girls.”

“What did y’all put in the garden? I got me a small one out back of the house.”

“We got us some ung-youngs, collard greens, some cabbages, and ya know we got us some turnips as well.”

“Bubba been behavin’ himself lately?”

“Now, Nadine, why would ya ask a question like that of me?”

“Well, it’s just that he has been a handful down at the diner. He is always a-jokin’ and a-actin’ up. I was wonderin’ if the two of ya are a-getting along well.”

“Shore, thangs is great with me and Bubba,” Maude said, as she made a mental note to nail Bubba’s hide to the front door as soon as he came home from work.

“And, he has been in the café more than usual lately,” Nadine said as she stretched her long and shapely legs out in front of her.

Lord, how I hate this woman and her legs, Maude thought as she caught herself looking at Nadine’s finely developed legs. She is near perfect body wise.

“I guess he’s just a-meetin’ some boys fer coffee and to have a few discussions.”

“Well, I don’t like the way he looks at me. He gives me the feelin’ he can see right through my unee’form and all.”

“Now, Nadine, he is jest a man and ya know how good ya look. I thank he is just a normal feller and likes to look at purty ladies.   Has he said anythang that upset you?”
            “Said anythang? Why of course not. He is a southern gentleman ya know. He jus’ looks is all.”

“Long as he jus’ looks, he’s okay.   Ya know Bubba, all mouth and no action.”

“Well, iffen ya say so. But, if it ain’t too much trouble would ya say a word or two to ‘em fer me?”

Nadine, Maude thought, when I get done with Bubba’s backside he won’t even look at his momma, much less talk. He is in one big mess right now. There goes his trip to the VFW with the boys later tonight. I can unnerstand him a-lookin’, cause Nadine deserves to be looked at with her body, but iffen she noticed it, he has been up to his old routine again. 

Taking a sip of her cold coffee, Maude said, “Oh, fer yer sake, yea, I’ll say a word or three. I think yer a-makin’ more outta this than is thar Nadine.” Maude made a mental note to say much more than a word or three to the boy.   Bubba would walk home to World War Three tonight after work.

For the rest of the afternoon they made small talk. They talked about, the coming hunting season, the new sheriff, and the hayride. Things went smoothly and soon Nadine was out the door.

After Nadine had left, Maude had spent the next two hours steaming with her thoughts of Bubba a-chasin’ after Nadine.   Sure, Nadine looked good, but her intellectual level was right there with a grub worm. She was ‘bout as dumb as a box of mud. Great body but dead mind. She must be a natural blond, Maude thought as she dried the last cup from the dishes. It was then she heard Bubba’s old truck pull up into the driveway.

A few minutes later Bubba entered the kitchen and said, “Honey, I had a hard day at the Ger’rage. Thangs was a mess. And the new guy, Leroy Johnson, well, he just ain’t workin’ out good. I need me a cold sweet tea.”

“That’s it huh? Jus’ tell me how yer day went, huh? What ‘bout my day? Ain’t ya innerested in how my day went?”

Bubba had been married long enough to know he was in trouble. He thought back and tried to cover all aspects; the checkin’ account was normal, zero, the truck payment had been on time, and obviously the ‘lectricity was still on, so they hadn’t cut it off yet. What could he have done? He reached in the fridge and took out the tea pitcher. As he poured a glass of tea, he turned toward Maude, smiled at her, and asked, “So, Maude, how did my favorite wife’s day go?”

“Well, I had me a visitor. Nadine Lucille dropped by fer the afternoon. We had us a good dee-skusion ‘bout how ya and the boys been a-oodlin’ her while she works. Now, what do ya have to say fer yerself?”

“Guilty as charged my dear. She runs ‘round there with her stuff half a-hangin’ out. What do ya ‘spect a man to do? Course I look at her. But, I gotta eat and Uncle Andy needs the business. I wouldn’t be normal iffen I didn’ look at ‘er. I aint one of them funny fellows, so I look at women. Thar ain’t a thang wrong with it either. Ya should be worried ifenn I didn’t look.” Bubba lifted his tea and took a long slow swig before he turned toward Maude.

Maude was thinking. She loved Bubba and she knew all it took to make him happy was a good meal, a cold drink and a cheek full of chewing tobacco. He was fer sure low maintenance. She trusted him and she believed him, but he was a redneck man after all. That meant, to her anyway, he needed a short chain most of the time. 

Bubba pulled Maude to him and kissed her on the left cheek. Reaching around he stroked her back as he said, “Maude, ya listen to me, heah? I ain’t got the hots fer no other woman. When it comes to fee-males, this dawg don’t hunt. I got all I can handle in just being married to you. I love you Maude and yer silly backwoods heart knows it.”

“I know ya do Bubba and I love ya too. But . . .”

“But, what Maude? Ya mad at me over what that old cow said to ya?”

“Not in the least. Only, ya keep yer eyes to yerself and spend less time in the café from now on, heah?”

“Shore thang Maude. I promise ya.” Bubba finished his tea as soon as he had spoken, reached in removed the pitcher, and poured himself another cold one.

He kissed Maude on the cheek once more and went into the living room to his favorite chair.   As soon as he was seated, he removed his ball cap and placed it on the end table beside the chair. He turned the television on and selected his favorite channel, the Sports Network Y’all. He relaxed in the chair, placed his feet on the footstool and closed his eyes and thought, I wondered what is on the menu at Uncle Andy’s Café tomorrow for lunch.   After all, a man had to eat, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Just a submission for a laugh.