trying to get free

 

So there I was, stuck. It's the only word I could think of.
I gazed out the window. I didn't have a roommate anymore. She had been moved because I was seen as violent. I guess the nurses didn't want her getting any other ideas? Whatever. I didn't really care. I did care that there wasnt a single thing I could cut myself with. I felt desperate to release everything that was inside.
I walked over to the window as I had done so many nights already. I thought about how I was wasting my life at Breezewood. I was missing out on hanging out with Karenna and Dani. I was missing Tyler more than anything. I even missed Carrie and her kids. That was because I knew they needed me to be there when their mom wasn't. My mom? Didn't miss her a bit.
I sat back in the chair and started writing again. I needed something to distract me so I wouldn't think of cutting myself. Otherwise, I really would get crazy. But then, I was already in the right place if I did. I didnt think I had a problem. I didn't think that I needed help.
After Bennett hit me and broke my nose, it healed, but I didn't. I dont think I ever looked at Bennett the same again. I realized that he would hurt me. I realized that I couldn't tell anyone. I was stuck. For some reason, that's the main theme of my life. I don't know how to get out of the s**t I get into. I don't know how to tell people no. I dont know how to tell people that I can't handle something.
Bennett began being so nice to me. He brought me roses that were so strong I didnt have to try to sniff them. I could smell the scent across my house. He took me out to dinner with his mom. He would hold my hand everywhere. Karenna and Dani still didnt like him, but even they slowly came around.
Meanwhile, Dani was getting into stuff I didn't know about. At some party that I missed because I had to babysit Natalie, some guy gave her some pot. And it went downhill from there. I didnt even know she was smoking. I think Karenna knew, but she just didnt know what to say. Karenna had always been the quiet one, and she just watched. 
 
AS if I didn't have enough on my mind, Carrie was just getting worse. By this time, Bryan was the little man of the house, Natalie had just pulled away from everyone around her, and Jacob was barely crawling. Carrie would just leave the kids with me and Mom. It was like I didn't get time to breathe. Just be me. I had to be Marissa. The one that tagged along with her friends, took care of kids she barely knew how to, and hope like hell she didn't make her boyfriend mad in the process. Carrie would leave on Friday and come back on Sunday night.
No phone calls.
No coming home to change clothes, although she always came home in something new.
No wondering how her kids were doing.
She just didnt care.
I stopped writing and gazed out the window again. So much stuff was going on at once in my mind. How would I ever get everything sorted out? Suddenly, I was tired and crawled into bed. Sleeping was the perfect escape.
I got up the next morning and pulled off my clothes to dress for the day. For the first time, I really saw what I did to myself.
I saw my arms. My left arm had deeper cuts than the right. I had never gotten good at cutting on my right arm. Both had faded pink scars, some longer than others, some wider and thicker than others. All of them stood out against my olive skin. I'd always be reminded of them, no matter what I wore. I looked down further, at my thighs. I'd started cutting there when I ran out of space on my arms. The scars looked the same, but there weren't as many. I looked up again into the mirror. My nose and cheekbone had healed, but my nose had a slight bump. My cheekbone barely looked like it had ever been broken. I knew it had. I knew what it should have looked like.
At that moment, I realized that I hated Bennett. I hated what he did to me and what he made me do to myself. I knew I would have plenty to tell Dr. Morrison. I grabbed my books and went to class.

Author's Note

This is the latest in the story. Do you think there is enough details? what can I change?