stuck

Marissa realizes that she is stuck where she is for now. She doesn't like it, but she's slowly realizing that she needs to open up.

 

.

I finally got to do what I wanted to do all along- write. I figured that Dr. Morrison would hear of my fight with Fallon and I would have to explain that and talk about everything else, so I wrote until my hand hurt. I sat on my bed, crying and writing. It had been such a bad day.

"Marissa? Your mom is on the phone.

S**t.

She wasn't really the person I wanted to talk to. I sat up and stared at Maria. "Do I have to talk to her?"

"Not if you don't want to."

I stood up. "I'll do it if she leaves me alone." I walked with Maria to the nursing station.

 I sat at the nurses' station and picked up the phone.

"What made you want to call me?" I didn't really want to talk right then. I was still angry over fighting Fallon, and I knew there would be some sort of consequence. I knew I would have to explain what I did to Dr. Morrison. I didn't even get to finish writing.

"I love you, Marissa. I just want to see how you are doing."

This was bullshit. She was the one that signed me in.

"If you cared that much I would still be with you. I got into a fight today because this little b***h couldn't leave me alone. She started it but I broke her jaw."

The line went silent.

"Marissa, you can't fight in there. It's not going to do you any good."

"How are the kids, Mom? I'm not really in the mood." I shifted in my chair. I really missed Bryan, Natalie and Tyler. I knew they missed me.

"Bryan is staying of trouble. For once. Natalie is quiet like she always is and Tyler is Tyler. Cute and cuddly."

Well. That really said it. I was willing to bet that like usual, Carrie wasn't with her kids and that Mom had them. Natalie and Tyler at least. Right before I came into Breezewood, Bryan had gone to live with his dad.

"Whatever, Mom. You know Carrie isnt even there. i bet she hasn't seen Bryan this week."

"Wow, Marissa, can you see through the walls? Carrie is actually being decent for once."

Did she call me to tell me this? Really. I started twirling my hair around my fingers. This was getting on my nerves.

"Okay, Mom. Why did you call me? I really dont want to talk about Carrie."

"I wanted to see how you are doing," she said, sighing. "I am worried about you, I'm wondering what happened to make you want to hurt yourself so badly."

Even after getting out of Breezewood, I didn't plan on telling my mom what had sat inside me for so long. I couldn't say exactly why I was cutting, but there were many small reasons.

"A lot of stuff, Dad leaving, Bennett, and a lot of other stuff."

"I told you Bennett wouldn't do you any good. You just didn't listen."

Why in the hell is she throwing more guilt at me? I'm in a freaking mental hospital. I'm  not at camp.

"I was also 14. But thanks for making me feel worse." I slammed the phone down and walked to my room. As I walked down the hall, Heather, another aide, called to me.

"Marissa, do you need to talk?" Heather ran to my side.

I kept walking. "No, I just want to write." I walked inside my room and shut the door. I stood in the middle of my room, lookingfor something to cut myself with. Clothes hook? No. They werent close to being sharp enough. I wasn't allowed razors. The pen on my bed wasn't sharp enough. What was I supposed to do?

I sat on my bed and started writing. It was the only thing I could do.

Bennett was so sweet and loving, at least until I didn't want to do something he wanted. I think that he wanted to make my life the way he wanted it. I had to watch Carrie's kids a lot and I couldn't always go out and do stuff with him. I would always feel bad, because I really wanted to go, but one time I should have just gone.

I had the flu. It had been going around the whole school and I finally got it right before Bennett's birthday. I could barely move out of my bed. Bennett called me two days before his birthday. I was in bed, half asleep.

"Hey, Marissa, done playing sick?"

"I wasn't playing." I felt like crap. I hadn't even brushed my hair that day. I loved my hair- it was long, curly and black.

"Whatever. I'm coming over. I want you to go out with me and the boys tonight. I dont care if you're sick or not."

I sighed. "I dont even think my mom will let me go anywhere."

"I'll get you out." He hung up.

He got there an hour later. I still hadn't gotten up. He threw the door open to my room. "I thought you were going to be dressed."

I sat up. "I feel like crap.I dont really want to go."

He leaned over my bed and I looked into his eyes. Bennett's eyes were a dark, intense blue. I didn't even see it, but I felt his fist hit my nose. I also felt something crack. I couldn't even make a sound. I was so shocked, and my nose hurt. A lot. I saw Bennett back away, his eyes widened.

"Oh, s**t, Marissa, I didnt even mean that, " he said quietly, and he walked out of my bedroom.

My nose wasn't bleeding but it was throbbing. I lay back in bed and started crying.

I couldn't write anymore. I was crying so hard that I couldn't see the paper. As I cried, my nose throbbed. I had ended up in the emergency room after telling my mom hours later that I had fallen off my bed and hit my face on my bedside table. I didn't want her to know Bennett had hit me. I was scared of what he would do next.

I walked over to the chair by the window and sat. Bennett had broken my nose and almost my ankle. He had shoved me down a flight of stairs. He had left so many physical reminders of the hell I lived through.
 

"Marissa?"  I heard a soft voice behind me. I turned around and saw Dr. Morrison. She was wearing sweats and tennis shoes. She must have been called in on an emergency. She stood against the wall in front of me.

"What? Can I not be left alone to think?" I snapped.

"It's okay to be alone. Sometimes you need to think alone, but Maria called me. She was worried about you. She said she had to call security to break up a fight you were in. You broke Fallon's jaw, Marissa. She had to go to the hospital."

"I don't care. She started it." I told her my side of the story. Dr. Morrison sighed. "I am glad that you tried to walk away, and that is a sign that you didn't want to fight, but you could have hit her just once, if you really had to, to get away from her. There was no excuse to break her jaw."

I sighed. "What was I going to do, let her kick my a*s? That wasnt going to happen. Nobody has come to talk to me about it, so I'm not worried about getting in trouble."

"That's why I came in, " Dr. Morrison said. "Marissa, you have to learn other ways of defending yourself and coping besides being physical. You're not in trouble, but you will have to learn the importance of restraining your anger. For the rest of this week, you will be on room-rest. That means that unless you are in school, eating, or with me, you will need to stay in your room, away from everyone.This also means no phone priviledges unless there is an emergency. You need some breathing room. This will be watched by the aides and nurses. It's going to be in report. I will see you tomorrow, Marissa."

As Dr. Morrison walked past me, she saw my journal and pointed to it."I would like to see that tomorrow." She walked out of the room and shut the door.

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

What do you think? Is there anything I've left out or need to change?