the beginning

This is the part of the beginning of the book I have worked so hard on.

"So, Marissa," Dr. Morrison begins. "How did you end up in this office today?"

I looked at her. "How do you think I got here? I cut myself a little too deep, and my best friend freaked out, and now I'm here."

"What made you want to cut yourself so badly? Did you really want to die or just get rid of the pain for a little while?"

I couldn't talk. It was like she had read my mind. I didn't know which it was. I didn't want to die, but then, I didn't want to live, either.

"I don't know," I said. "I just wanted the pain to go away. If it meant me dying, then that's what it meant." I looked away from Dr. Morrison, out the window.

"Marissa," she said softly. "It's okay to say what you feel. I just want to know what made you want to hurt yourself, what's making you so unhappy."

I sighed. "My whole life. It sucks and I don't know who to turn to anymore."

"What do you mean? I'm sure you have friends, and family who care."

"My family is so messed up that they should be here, not me, and my friends are off doing the same thing I was before I got here." I didn't even want to talk to Dr. Morrison. I understood where she was going, but I just wasn't ready to open up to her yet.

"How about we start where everything started to go down for you," she said. "Tell me a story. It might be the best way for you to tell me what needs to be said." I leaned back in my chair and looked at the ceiling. I didn't know where to begin. There was so much to remember, so much to cry about, that I didn't know where to begin. After a couple of minutes, it came to me.

"My first day of high school. I met Joshua." I paused. This was going to be a long hour if I didn't start talking more. "I hope you're comfortable, Dr. Morrison, because this might take a while."

"I have all day," she said, smiling. "Take your time, Marissa."

 

I didn't know anyone in my new high school. I just knew I wanted to start over, and that meant going to a different school than the kids I had gone to middle school with. I hadn't really liked middle school, so I wanted my high school years to be better. The first day, I realized that most of the freshmen had known each other for years and that most of them weren't really welcoming new friends into these groups. I said hello to a few students, but that had been it. At lunch, I sat with a girl I had known in elementary school. I was just relieved that I didn't have to sit alone.

I walked into Biology class and sat in the back. I didn't want to stand out more than I already did. I looked out the window, gazing out into the parking lot, until someone blocked my view. That person was Joshua.

"Hey," he said, tossing his backpack onto the floor. "Are you new? I don't remember you from Elmer."

"Yeah, I am. I went to Gladworth." I blushed. On top of being nice, this guy was pretty cute. He was tall, with broad shoulders, dark hair, hazel eyes and a gorgeous smile.

"That's cool. I'm Joshua Wheeler ."

"Hi, Josh. I'm Marissa Williamson." I smiled.

Meanwhile, the class had started, and the teacher, Mrs. Wallace, was calling roll.

"Marissa Williamson? Marissa?"

"Oh! I'm here." I waved my hand. I was so embarrassed. Missing your name being called on the first day is not exactly the best way to start the year.

"Glad to see you're here," Mrs.Wallace said. "Josh, are you being nice to Marissa?"

Josh smiled. "Yes," he said. "I'll be good, I promise."

As class went on, I could barely concentrate. All I could think of was talking to Josh again. He seemed like he was really nice, and that was what I really needed then. 

 

"So what happened with Josh?" Dr. Morrison asked. "Did you become friends?"

I smiled. "A lot more than that," I said. "You're going to hear his name a lot."

 

A few weeks went by, and Josh began to talk to me outside of biology class. He would say hello to me in the halls, and even started sitting with me at lunch. He was becoming a good friend to me. It turned out that we had a lot in common. Both of us liked reading, writing, and rock music. Also, he was friends with Karenna's brother, Michael.

Karenna was one of my best friends. She, Danielle and I met in elementary school and have been friends ever since. Karenna and I went to Hillcrest together, but Danielle went to Davidson High, since she lived in a different part of town. If Josh was friends with Michael, I figured, then he was going to be a lot of fun to hang out with.

"I really liked Josh," I said. "I just didn't know how to tell him."

Dr. Morrison smiled. "That's how a lot of relationships begin," she said. "So how did he find out that you liked him?"

I smiled. "One day in class, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell him."

We were sitting in class, splitting up to dissect frogs. I hadn't been looking foward to this, because I thought that it was disgusting. Honestly, Josh was the only person in the class I wanted to do this with. I would have felt stupid being squeamish around anyone else.

"Can I be your lab partner? I don't want to do this but I don't want anyone else to see me acting stupid over a frog."

Josh laughed. "That's cool. I'm glad you feel so comfortable around me."

I blushed. I did. There was just something about Josh that made me glad to be myself. We began cutting the frog. I was totally disgusted. I cringed. Josh happily cut the frog the way that our teacher was telling us to. As I stood next to Josh, I realized that I couldn't hold it in anymore. I really liked him. I just hoped he liked me back. It would crush me if he didn't. I said to myself, Marissa, you've got to do this. Just tell him you like him and get it over with.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?" He was writing up the report that had to be done after the dissection.

"I've got to tell you something. It's kind of important."

He stopped writing. "What is it, Marissa? Can we talk about it after class?"

That sounded like a good idea. If he didn't like me, the whole class wouldn't have to hear it. I could have a little longer to think of what to say so everything came out right.

"Okay. Just meet me at my locker." I sat down at my desk. I didn't hear a word that Mrs. Wallace said during the rest of the class. I couldn't think of anything but what to say to Josh.

I decided to tell him that I really liked him and that I hoped he liked me too. I wanted to know if he wanted to date me, but if he didn't it would be okay. I would still be friends with him. That wasn't everything I wanted to say, but I had three minutes to tell him. I would get to the rest of it later.

 

 walked up to Josh and just let it out. "I really like you," I told him. "It's okay if you don't like me back but I just wanted you to know. I figured you would see it anyway."

There, it was done. I looked away from Josh as he thought about what I had just told him. The minute he took to respond felt like forever.

He smiled at me. "I like you, Marissa," he said. " I was thinking about telling you how I felt, but just didn't know if I should. Should we go out sometime?"

I grinned. I couldn't believe he liked me back! I didn't even think he would like me back. "Yeah, we should." I didn't want to sound too excited. I didn't care where we went, as long as we were together.

"Well, class is about to start," Josh said. We ran to class. I didn't pay a bit of attention in my English class. I was too busy thinking about what Josh and I could do. I was so excited. The only thing was, the next couple of days at school, Josh wouldn't talk to me. He sat across the room from me in Biology class, wouldn't answer my text messages, or anything.

"How did that make you feel?" Dr. Morrison said, breaking into my thoughts. I glared at her. I didn't know why she was asking me questions that had really obvious answers.

"How do you think it made me feel? I really liked Josh, but he didn't like me back. I was mad as hell. He wouldn't even talk to me. I wondered the whole time what I had done wrong. He said he liked me back, so I didn't get it."

We never did go on a date. Josh wouldn't tell me anything about what he wanted to do or when. I just gave up. On the next Monday, he left me a note on my locker door. I was angry that he didn't even stick around to talk about things, but I read the note. I figured that the note might tell me what I wanted to know.

Marissa,

I really like you, but I'm scared of the commitment that I want to give you. I know you said that you would have been fine if I didn't like you back, but what if I wanted to be with you but was too scared to? I don't want to be with you until I know I can totally commit to you. I can't do that now. I'm sorry. If you never speak to me again, that's up to you, but I thought you should know. We can still be friends.

Josh

I ran into the bathroom, sat in a stall, and cried. I missed my Algebra class because I cried the whole time. I also had to redo my makeup. My eye makeup was a mess. I couldn't believe this. I hadn't said a word about a relationship. I just wanted to see if he liked me back.

 

At home, things weren't much better. I didn't know which was worse, my home or love life. It seemed like my friends were the only people that really cared. I lived with my mom and her boyfriend. My sister was a single mom that didn't really want to be a mom, period. I usually ended up babysitting them while Carrie went out to party or do whatever she wanted without her kids.

"Okay, Marissa," Dr. Morrison said softly. "I've got to stop you here, because the hour is up, but I definitely want to hear more. We'll stop there for today, okay? We can talk more tomorrow." She opened the door for me, and I walked back to my room. As I walked through the hall, I wondered about what else was going to come out. I also wondered if this wasnt what I needed after all. I went to my room and lay in bed. I just wanted to be alone, to think of how everyone around me had somehow changed how I felt about myself.

 

I was sitting in my room, thinking about how things had changed so much over the years with Josh, when I heard a knock at my door.

"Marissa? Are you in there?"

I sat up on my bed. "Come on in," I said. Paul, one of the technicians, walked in. "You've got a visitor. Her name's Karenna and she really wants to see you." I was instantly upset. I didn't want to see Karenna because she betrayed me. She had turned her back on me when I needed her the most.

"No way. I don't want to see her."

"She said she's your best friend."

I glared at Paul. He had no idea what had led me to being at Breezewood. "She was. She ratted me out and now I'm here. She is the last person I want to see."

Paul walked towards the doorway. "Marissa, visitation is over in less than an hour. You don't have to see her for more than five minutes if you don't want to, but at least let her see you. She's worried." Paul might have had a point, but I just didn't want to see her. I was still too angry at her. I got up and went to the mirror. I threw my hair into a ponytail. "I'll go, but I'm not staying long. I don't have a lot to say to her."

Paul and I walked to the activity room, and Karenna was sitting in a chair by the window. She was twirling her long brown hair, something she did when she was nervous.  I threw myself into the chair across from her.

"I have no idea why you are here, but I don't have a thing to say to you."

Karenna gazed at me. "I'm here because I give a damn about you. The last time I saw you, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I just wanted to see that you were okay."

Okay? If I was okay, I sure wouldn't be here.

"Well, this is what you and everyone else wanted," I said. "Mom had no problem putting me in here after you ratted me out. Danielle was doing the same thing, but do you see her here?"

"Danielle knew when to quit," she said angrily. "You didn't. I can't explain what your mom's thoughts were, but I bet they were to save you. I was desperate, I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to have to go to my best friend's funeral."

"Are you happy seeing me here? I'm not happy being here. I hate being here. You get to leave in a few minutes. I don't."

"I know," Karenna said. "But you need to be here. You've got to get help so you can be the Marissa everyone knew so long ago, not the angry, sad Marissa that breaks everyone's heart. We've been friends since middle school and you're like a sister to me. I just want to see you better."

I sighed. Karenna was annoying me with the sweetness. "Whatever, Karenna. Right now, I really don't care." I walked out of the room. I just couldn't be in the same room with her anymore. I walked back to my room and slammed the door. Almost immediately, the door swung back open. It was Maria, a nurse.

"Marissa, are you okay? What's wrong?" Maria asked as she walked inside.

"I'm so pissed off right now that I can't even think right," I said. "My so called best friend came to see me, and she's the one that ratted me out and got me put in here."

"How about sitting in your chair and calming down, okay?" Maria asked quietly. I sat and turned my back on her. She sat on the edge of my bed. "Do you want to talk about anything?"

"Not really," I said. "I just want everyone to leave me alone." I stared out the window.

"Okay," Maria said. "If you need anyone, just come up to the desk." She walked out.

I sat in a chair in my room for a while, looking out the window. I knew that I had hurt Karenna, and I was so angry, I couldn't control what I said to her. It just came out. I watched the sunset and wondered what Karenna and Danielle were doing. I wondered if they were out having fun with Karenna's brothers, Michael and Daniel. All of us were within three years of each other, age wise, and had a lot of fun together. I missed my friends. I missed hanging out with them, and all the fun we had together. All of a sudden, Karenna's sadness slammed into me. I could see her face all over again, and I could hear her telling me that she cared and that she wanted the "fun" me back. I wanted that one back, too, but I didn't know how to get there. It wasn't exactly fun being so sad and angry.

I stretched out in the chair and readjusted the pillow I had put behind my back. I needed my mother. As usual,she wasn't there for me. She was there for everyone else, but not me. She took care of Carrie's kids. She worked full time, and had a boyfriend. She just didn't have time for the child that needed her the most. Carrie had always taken up Mom's time. Carrie always needed someone to get her out of her messes, and never learned to do that herself.

Carrie's main messes were partying, never keeping a job longer than a month, and drinking. She did all three while I was a kid. She was eleven years older than me, so I grew up thinking this was normal for older kids to do. I wanted to be like her at one point. That stopped when I began to see the impact she was having on her kids. I loved those kids more than she did. I had been the one to put band aids on skinned knees. I had taught Bryan how to read and taught Natalie how to write. I even helped potty train Jacob. I was more of a mother to these kids than Carrie had ever beem.

I missed Carrie's kids, and began to wonder if they were okay. If I wasn't watching them, who was? I knew Carrie was probably out somewhere partying. It was Saturday and Carrie was known for leaving Mom and I with her kids.

Natalie was seven years old, and she knew something was wrong with her family, but threw herself into her schoolwork so she wouldn't have to deal with it. She wouldn't even let her friends come over because she was so worried her mom would mess things up for her. Natalie always had a serious look on her face, even when watching cartoons with Jacob and Bryan. I was pretty sure she was helping with Jacob, like she usually did.

Bryan was ten years old and Carrie's oldest child. He was born a month before Carrie graduated high school. Everyone thought that Bryan was the man of the family, and treated him like it. I never did, because that wasn't fair to him. I understood the pressure of being the responsible and good kid did to a child, and I didn't want him to feel that pressure from one more person. Lately, Bryan had been trying to find a way to escape. He had started hanging out with some rougher kids in the neighborhood and Carrie was at a loss on how to deal with it. He hadn't gotten into trouble yet, but that time was coming for him. He usually went to his dad's on weekends, so I could rest knowing he was safe and not in trouble because his dad, Brad, kept a close eye on him. Bryan had actually told Carrie that he wanted to live with Brad, but she wouldn't let him.

Jacob, Carrie's youngest child, was two. He didn't know yet that the world around him was a mess and that someone needed to come in and fix it.I knew Jacob was with my mother, because Jacob was the smallest child and Mom had a soft spot for him. It wasn't exactly fair to the rest of us, but it was well known.

The sky turned a dark blue, then black, and I watched the stars come out. I wanted to wish on a star, but I didn't know what to wish for. I had so many wishes that I would probably run out of stars to wish on. I wished that I wouldn't have ruined my chances with Josh. I wished that Carrie hadn't wrecked my life. That list could go on forever. I sighed and turned away from the window and walked into the activity room. It was almost time for dinner. I sat in a chair by the window. I had hoped on being left alone, but I wasn't that lucky.

"Hey, Marissa," Fallon said, sitting down across from me. "Mind if I sit here?" Fallon was fifteen, two years younger than me. I had met her in admissions. She was the person being admitted after me. She had told me she had run away more than 10 times and wouldn't think twice of trying to get out of Breezewood. I didn't know what her diagnosis was, but I thought she was okay. But then, this was only my second day at Breezewood. I didn't know what she was capable of.

"That's cool," I said. I walked to the kitchen, got my tray, and sat back in my chair.  I ate my dinner without saying much to Fallon. I just wasn't in the mood to talk. I just wanted to be left alone. After I finished eating, I told Fallon goodbye and went back to my room. As I walked back to my room, Paul walked up to me. "Do you want to play on the X Box? We've got it hooked up in the TV room."

"No," I said. "I don't really want to. I have a lot to think about."

Paul stopped walking. "Do you need to talk?"

I stopped. "No. I think I'm going to write. It's always helped me."

I grabbed my notebook out of my bag and sat on my bed. I had loved to write since I was able to. I had kept a journal for years, and somehow my journal was in my messenger bag when I was brought to Breezewood. My bag was later put up, because I was considered suicidal and couldn't have the strap because my doctor was worried I would hurt myself again. At least I got to keep the book.

May 24-

I've got less than 3 weeks until my 18th birthday and it looks like I'm gonna have to be here for it. That sucks! I want to be out with the girls and go out to a club or something. But then whenever I get out of here, I probably won't have any friends left.. out of the few that still talk to me. I have been such a terrible person that I don't know how Karenna and Dani are still friends with me. I guess it's because we've been friends for so long. 

I miss Bryan, Nattie and Jacob. I bet Carrie's out somewhere being the heartless skank she is. I mean, does she ever think of anyone but herself? When I have kids, I'm never gonna do what she has. I don't want my kids to be as sad as hers are. I hate seeing Jacob cry when she goes out the door. He throws himself at the door.

I stopped writing to wipe a tear. This is why I had to stop journaling. My life was hurting me so much that I couldn't bear to even write about it. But I didn't want to talk to any of the aides. I knew that's why they were there, but I still wasn't ready to talk to anyone but Dr. Morrison. I wished it was Sunday night so I could see her in the morning. There was so much more to tell her about Tyler, Carrie's kids, and the rest of the things in my life that drove me to hurt myself. I didn't know how I would tell her everything before I was released. But then, I didn't know how long I would be there. I wiped a few more tears and started writing again.

I know Karenna's probably pissed at me, but she deserved it. I don't know whether to feel bad about being so mean to her or not. In a way, I feel like I have a good reason to be mad, because I surely don't want to be at Breezewood, but then she was trying to help me. She did the only thing she could. I wonder if she'll come back to see me. I don't know if I would. I wonder if Dani is coming to see me. She got me into this crap. She could at least come to see me.

I don't want to die. Not really. I'm only 17. I just wanted the pain to go away, because there was so much of it. And it was my own fault. I screwed Josh  over. I don't know if he's ever going to talk to me again. I hurt Tyler, too. I don't know if he's going to forgive me. If getting the pain to go away meant me being dead, then that's what it took. What else could I do to get the pain to go away? I'm out of options, even being here. Writing just gets everything out, because I don't want to talk about it. It's not a miracle drug.

I rubbed my eyes. I had been writing for over an hour. I hadn't even noticed the aide doing checks coming in and out of my room. I was being checked on every 7 minutes so that the staff knew what I was doing. I was apparently at a high risk for trying to hurt myself again. I didn't know if I should even be writing because it might be taken the wrong way, but I wasn't about to talk about it. I just couldn't trust anyone. Not even Dr. Morrison. I put the notebook away and went to sleep.

 

Author's Note

What can I do to make this better? What can I take out or put more thought into?

Reviews

[A LaDy NaMeD D]

I think that outside of Marissa's talks with the doctor the story should be told in third person. Also you could describe the characters and setting more. I think when you let the doctor interrupt the story it was a little premature. Actually i would take that part out and see how it works. And after you end the session you should end the chapter and begin the next chapter with Marissa's friend coming to visit, the docter doing his or her checks, and Marissa writing in her diary. *which i like* but i also didn't like because to me it seems as if you're trying to tell to many stories at once. These are just suggestions. But i like the over all story line and plot. Just elaborate a little more.

D