hear me out part 1

A Poem by paige.

first hand monologue on stuttering from a girl who stutters what it really is: everything i wish i could say out loud

stuttering. I guess we all do it to some degree. A shy repetition of sound, a lengthy series of “um”s… it happens and we move on. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone occasionally gets lost in their train of thought, and that’s just a part of life.
But for me, it is my life. I don’t get to move on. It’s always a bitter dream that grounds me to the reality that I can’t speak.
I’m haunted by the sensation of my throat constricting. Drowning in air as I’m gasping for a syllable. My body so tense that I’m immobilized. Croaking in agony from the panic. Panic of losing control and being helpless to express myself. Panic of having wasted possibly my last breath.

That breath could’ve meant something.

We take it for granted. The ability to breathe. To communicate. I know this because it has been dangled right in front of me my whole life, vanishing from sight just when I think I’ve got a hold on it. A painful refresh of just how helpless I am without it.
And the effects of a stutter don’t just cease when I’m not speaking. That feeling of being caged up inside, paralyzed from connection; it makes you feel less than human. Leaving a mental imprint that will remain for the sentences to come.

So please, don’t try to sympathize with me, saying that “we’ve all been there”, when I can’t even say my own name.