Declaration of Independence

I’m so tired.  Tired of making all of the compromises, all of the concessions.  Tired of justifying someone else’s behavior because of their past or their needs.  Tired of taking care of everyone else’s needs because they’ve had a difficult past, a hard life.

 

Well so have I, damn it.  And self-sacrifice is just not admirable anymore.  In fact, it’s humiliating and degrading.  Why must I suffer because someone needs more nurturing than I do?  On what imaginary scale do we measure one persons pain and hurt against another persons?  I, too, hurt to the core.  My pain also runs deep, and at times, threatens my very sanity.

 

Yet I always seem to get caught, or rather, allow myself to be drawn into, situations where my concern for others becomes self-destructive, self-abuse.  In the name of kindness, understanding, and yes, even the feeling of power that comes from being someone’s “savior.”  I’ve done this more times than I can count, and come full circle in my life too many times to even dare to believe it the Mother Theresa syndrome.  It’s not admirable to allow this to happen over and over.  There is no self-righteous justification, simply abuse of self. 

 

Enough.  I’m declaring my independence.

 

I will no longer put aside my needs and desires because of some unconscious, misdirected feeling that I don’t deserve it.

 

I will no longer suppress my feelings and opinions for fear of rejection or ridicule.

 

I will no longer take it upon myself to solve everyone else’s problems.

 

I will no longer make choices out of “love” without realizing the consequences to my own future.

 

I will no longer allow my feelings and needs to be any less significant and important than anyone else’s.

 

I will no longer try to fix the broken and save the lost at the expense of being broken and lost myself.

 

I will no longer stand here and not be seen.  I’m right here.  I exist.  I’m important.  I need.  I want.  I hurt.  I cry.

 

I declare …