Trapped (The Fire)

I wake to the smell of smoke and a crackling sound. The looming sound surrounds me and threatens to destroy me. The red and orange engulfs the walls and casts a glow on the rest of the hot room. Sweat pours out of my pores, both from the heat and my terror as I observe my surroundings. Fire blocks the window and I hear it outside my door. Where do I go?

I hear shouting downstairs. Two men yell to each other. I listen harder.

“Over here! There’s a little girl,” a man shouts.

“How old?” the other man shouts back

“Probably five years old.” There is a small pause as the man rushes over to the girl.

“We’re here to rescue you! Is there anyone here with you? Your mom? Dad? Sister? Brother?” There is a pause as the girl answers inaudibly. “Your mom?”

“I’ll get her,” the first man tells the second man.

Do they know I’m here? The man who took the girl down returns.

“Did you find the mom?”

“No. Searched the whole apartment.”

“D****t.” I could barely hear him respond with all of the crackling. Is it getting louder? It feels closer, hotter.

“Hope for the best.”

“I’m gonna search upstairs.” Finally. I start to scream for help so they know I am here, but the smoke chokes my lungs. I begin to cough. The pain in my chest grows and the coughing will not stop. I fall of my bed below the line of smoke. Help…“I can’t get anywhere up here.”

“I got an axe,” the first man responds as he runs up the stairs. I hear a hacking noise as he chops down the wall three apartments down.

“Hurry, George, the fire is starting to eat up the stairs,” the second man tells the first. There is a long pause as George continues to break down one of the few flameless walls.

“Crap. This whole room is filled with flames.”

“Give me that,” he says in a rage, taking the axe and mercilessly chopping down the next wall.

“John, calm down.” John continues to hack relentlessly. “Calm down!” George shouts over the flames with more force. The hacks slow until they stop completely.

“You’re right.”

            “Don’t stop. Just calm down.”  The chops resume with less anger and more rhythm. George begins to walk down the hallway to the apartment next to mine. I hear a bashing and the door next-door breaks down.

“John! Help me out here.” They found the Gregosians, a sweet old couple. I rejoice momentarily, and then realize I’m left here.

“We’re here to rescue you,” I hear through the wall, and then their inaudible footsteps rush downstairs, the stairs that are being eaten away by flames.

I wait in angst as the pain in my dry lungs grows. A part of the ceiling crashes down, spilling flames all around and increasing the temperature higher than I could possibly imagine.

The two firefighters return. I hear one begin to climb up the stairs.“John, don’t!” The footsteps stop and begin to slowly retreat back down. I hear a loud crash as the stairs fall down.

“Shoot,” I hear John say.

“I’ve been doing this longer. I know what I’m doing.” Neither man says anything for a moment.

Then John says, “I could’ve sworn I heard coughing in the room next door.” The loud popping and cracking fills the air. I try to yell again to tell them I am here, but my lungs will not allow it. They begin to cough with a stinging, chocking feeling. They cough with more force than they ever have, trying to force out the deadly black smoke.

“Oh, hell, John. I don’t know what to do. They’re trapped.”

I hear a cracking beneath me.

“C’mon, John. We have to get out of here.” A pause as George runs out. “John!” I hear him run out after George.

The cracking gets louder. The flames cover all four walls of my tiny bedroom and leak into the kitchen. Then, in a crack louder than the fall of the stairs, the floor falls out from under me and I follow it.

Reviews

[Tala]

I really did like this though and those comments are really only suggestions on minor things, it's brilliant on its own. It was really terrible for her how she could hear the people who could save her and hear everyone else finding saftey when she was stuck and unable to get help herself. This is a really interesting and well written piece and it's been my pleasure to read it.

[Tala]

"Sweat pours out of my pores" i'd change to "sweat pours from my pores"
I think "observe my surroundings" is the wrong way to put it if you're in a room on fire. maybe go for "as i look around, panickstricken" or something like that
"'D****t' i could barely hear him respond" is sorta weirdly worded and tensed. maybe "was his faint and distant response" or something like that.
"i hear a hacking noise as he chops" maybe just "i hear hacking" or "i hear stone crack" or whatever material the walls are made of.
"They found the Gregosians" should be "they've"
I think angst is maybe a weird word to use at "i wait in angst"
"Increasing the temperature higher than i could possible imagine" is a bit wordy and possibly image is a bit cliched so maybe change to "and the temperature increased to beyond unbearable" that kinda thing.
And i'd maybe say something about the firefighters abandoning her.