IS FORGIVING OTHERS EASY?

How a child lost her mother, no she was not dead she was just not a mother. The mother who wanted to leave her for money but now was back for her daughter's love. Is forgiving people that easy?

A mother who after your birth,

dint care like a mother should.

She stared at her baby,

and got lost in some other world.

As long the baby was cute,

she did show some emotions.

But then the baby changed became older,

the love gradually disappeared.

I cant remember if there were any physical abuses,

but I remember being psychologically abused.

All i remember were the tears in my dad's eyes,

inflicted by my mother.

My dad , fighter of the country,

used to go on army battles for a few months.

Those were the days i dreaded the most,

as those were the days i was with my mother.

She never did anything but used to get annoyed at petty issues,

one day she went ahead with her anger  and pushed me.

I fell on the table , din't get physically hurt but mentally, yes i did.

In those months though i dint know how to write but i could scribble,

I used write to letter to my dad about how badly i was missing him,

even though i knew he couldnt read my scribbly letters.

Then came the time when i started growing up,

I knew something was wrong but just could not point a finger at it.

I used to listen to their fyts but all seemed like just words i could never understand it.then one day i saw how my dad n mom were having a discussion infront me, my mom while laughing said give me all the money n i ll leave.And all my dad said was i will, i just want my daughter .I saw tears in my dad's eyes. At that very point soemthing in me just changed , I screamed n shouted at my mom I said go away how can u make my daddy cry, it had no effect she was laughing. Then days passed months did I was 11 , deepily scarred? oh hell yes, then something happened.I was at my mom's dads place for my vacations , suddenly the bell rang there was a doctor at the door. My grandpa took my mom and asked her to talk to the doctor.They were chatting I couldn't hear anything but then i saw her face, pure anger was written all over. They took my mom and got her admited in the mental institution.People asked me if i was okay , to be honest at that time i felt releived. I dint care but i wanted to show it to people that i did so tried faking crying but no tears came out. My face was like a blank slate.

I moved with dad we had an amazing 6 months everything was great we lived for the first time like a family does. My mom used to call me once a week , i could n't talk to her now she seemed like a stranger to me. Then the dreaded fate i was worried about came, she came back, well according to the doctors she was okay now and they concluded that this change in her mental state was due to the stress of losing her brother. She had lost her brother on my mom and dad's aniversarry. A month before i was born.

Looking back at this i could infer that their was a connection between why she hated me and my dad. My dad tried everything , paid for the bills did everything he even visited her. Since the time she came from the hospital till now she has been trying to be sweet. She always asks me to hug her. I just cant,I cant hug her , the thought of hugging her boils my blood for some reason. Now there were no fyts , no loud noises but still we were not a family. We never ever one , i only considered my dad n my dog in my family. I could never trust her , i just could n't. I saw her trying hard to get me back , candies chocolates, taking my sides whenever i had an argument with my dad , but these things din't matter to me. During the childhood period i was forced to see the bitter truth about my family. That period she cant ever erase it from my memory. Now its been 19 years , i still have no special bond with her , i dont talk to her , i dont share anything with her. We live like we always did in a room filled with silence. I thoughy that atleast now she wont compare me with money, but then again i heard an argument the same one about money , my dad stated clearly u can have the money i 'll take care of my daughter, u dont have to worry about her. That moment was the one that showed me that i din't care , i actually wanted them to separate. I wanted a normal life yes i might be being selfish but i have longed for a normal family. Second chances, i just cant afford to give. I just cant. Still they are together , i know my dad is sticking because my mom's mom isn't well and my mom has no money he cant leave her at this period and morever after my mothers parents would be dead there wont be anyone to support her. There wont be a time when he will live his life on his own terms i really wish i could do something , but i just cant. I have prefered to just exclude my mother from my vision. For me its always been me, dad n my dog.