When Depression Takes Over

I wrote this poem in order to channelize my emotions in a positive way, the words I couldn't ever get to leave the tip of my tongue.

Each night,

I take my medicine hoping that tonight,

I’ll fall asleep

but just as I’m about to,

Insomnia sweeps me off my feet and says

“not tonight, love”

I stay up night after night,

Feeling as if I’m heavily sedated

But not sedated enough to sleep

And every night I wonder, why?

And my dear friend depression breathes on the back of my neck

Whispers seductively into my ear,

“because you’re not worth it,

You’re not worth a single breath that you take

Or a single second of comfort

Or sleep”

That’s when the tears start sliding down my face

Like a never ending avalanche.

And that’s when I start to get tired

But then again,

Not tired enough to be able to sleep.

And that’s when the lover shows up,

Running his tongue across my wrists,

And kissing my skin

Leaving a cold sensation

But this lover has a dark side.

During the day he helps me open boxes and cut paper

And at night, I become the box he opens and the paper that he cuts

And I become a bloody sight.

 

Some days

When I open my eyes,

The day seems just as dark as the previous night

And I sleepwalk my way through the day

The only sleep I ever get is when I’m sleepwalking

I feel obligated to be happy

But these obligations drag me down and bury me inside the ground

And I choke and struggle to breathe but the forced happiness suffocates me

Till the last breath leaves my body

Till the light leaves my eyes

Till the warmth leaves my soul

And that’s when my sleep breaks

I wake up in my worst nightmare;

The reality.

The reality of being worthless and not good enough

The reality that makes me want to go back to sleep and never wake up

And sometimes I try,

With my lover and my friends by my side,

Shifting shapes and telling me what I need to hear,

Giving me the courage to go to sleep

Whispering in my ear,

And putting me to bed

And trying to make sure that I succeed,

For in my victory is theirs,

And my sleep is theirs.

I close my eyes and I think to myself

“Tonight is the night.”

 

But just when I think that I’m finally going to sleep,

Reality knocks at my door and tells me that I’m selfish for wanting to put my family through this.

It forces me to wake up

It digs its nails into my eyes till they open

Shakes me till I scream

And leaves when I’m finally awake

Running off,

Laughing a sinister laugh

Rejoicing,

“I killed her dream.

I killed her dream.”

Alas, it wasn’t my dream she killed,

It was my last ray of hope.

Author's Note

Reviews and feedback would be appreciated :)

Reviews

[APOORVA]

this is really deep, that midnight wrestle within you shows out.