See you Dad

I find writing helps,it allows to say all we never could, this is my story of when my dad died, told in the 3rd person , hope you like it.

The  phone rang in the early hours of the morning he knew it would  but never wanted it to , he knew who it was, but perhaps he thought in that split second , perhaps if He didn’t answer, trying to  make that  last minute  deal with God or any other deity that he hoped was listening ,just a bit longer he prayed selfishly asking for more time, not now, not yet, finally screaming out “no it isn’t fair, I am not ready, ” .The emotions boiling under the surface, more savage than a hurricane ,the tears like snail tracks running down his cheeks glistening in the light, an earthquake beneath his skin his hands shaking he answered the phone .”Hello” He said his voice weakening for just a moment then taking the emotion he  buried it  back where it belonged , back to where it came , and like a wall coming up he felt the emotions retreat, back behind the wall he had spent so much time creating, so many years and energy building, thank God for MHS ,Ha! emotions he crowed who needs them, plenty of time to deal with them later and hope to God that later never came.
The wall  got a little bit bigger that night,but like the cancer  that threatened to take his father from him , it ate away at the wall , gradually like some form of Chinese water torture it dripped at the wall, the watcher buried deep within his mind ,who had always made sure he stayed just this side of normal, worked hard, his sleeves rolled up he ran to and fro from one leak to another ,shoring up the cracks in the wall , packing  the holes that threatened to engulf him, finally at last getting the last one,he  stopped to rest from his labors, his desperate work, band-aids applied once more his mind again in a temporary state of truce
‘Yes” he answered into the phone  his voice strong hiding the truth of how he really felt.
“I will come straightaway , no, I understand, time is important” and so with conflicting emotions he went,sadness that this once giant of man, this quiet gentle giant  so essential to his life was soon to be no more,angry that this man was going on a journey without him, leaving him behind, he wasn’t much of  a talker but then his presence had always been enough.
How should He deal with this? What should He say? is there some last words we say ? Do we say how much we will miss him, tell him what he has meant to you , tell him how much you love him or will you as most men do,when that moment of truth comes say to yourself I am sure he knows that I’ll tell him next time.
For years He had been a Nurse learning to put away his feelings, away from the cold light of reason and logic,but now small tendrils of fear, of sadness like snakes escaped  past the  wall threatened all his hard work.
"Back", He said "Back" , and like the lion tamer in the ring,his emotions like lions roaring defiance at him,he cracked his whip and forcing the feelings back into the corner, “go on” he said “ back to the darkness,go back from where they had  came” and whimpering silently to himself “ not yet”  “dear God not yet, make them stay away for just a bit longer ,I’ll  deal with it later, emotions who needs you?, GO He screamed silently at them.
He arrived at the house to find the lights on , cars outside, showing that the time had  at last come, his emotions packaged securely away,strangely happy in some small way that at last peace would be coming to this private man.
This man who had accepted with grace the indignities of Dr  and Nurses, strangers who prodded and poked , show me this, lets look at that , the professional voyeurs, those vultures circling waiting him to die.  “Don't you know that they are helping him” said the watcher deep within his rational voice trying hard to make sense of it all, comforting struggling to be heard as the inner child stood beside him within,screaming and crying  praying to God  in the vain hope he was listening “not yet, let him still be there when I arrive, let me have the courage to say what needs to be said tell him how much he means to me”.
he stopped in front of the door taking a deep breath, went in, stood by the bed and found that suddenly all the words he wanted to say, all the things he wanted him to know,wished he could have told him a lifetime ago had gone, scoured from his mind by the  burning hot desert sands of despair ,looking down and saying a silent prayer that he would have safe passage on his journey and that his friends would  come and guide him he said what he could and hoped it would convey the feelings inside, his love , his respect and the deep loss he would always feel whenever he thought of him.
the only words he could and still stay strong“ see you Dad “.
Then turning,putting his  brave face on and getting his armour established once more went out to be all things to all men but the one that mattered the most himself.