climbing often

hello girl
hello soft brain
hello men
that take her name
hello God
hello sea
of drowning ink
hello hands
hello fingers
taking commands
and occupying land.

i was
soaking up juices

in the soft brain
talking with my tongue
too much
words sticky on
his lips
ideas feel like
crawling ants
that make my
crevices laugh
so intense when it slides in.

you fed me your fever,

it tasted
salty in heaven,
so good for me too;
gave me strength
to climb the mountain

and sucked me clean
when I fell back on you.

no moving in the honey,
no clouds to tuck me in,
no tears to cry that hurt
my eyes.

when we climbed the moment
and fell back in, eyes were rolling
backwards and the children bathed
in sin.

Reviews

[Don't find me]

this is intense.
i disagree with the review below me, it's fine to disregard grammar and syntax when trying to attract the reader's attention to something. sometimes a bit of awkwardness is beautiful.
your writing is so true, it really connects with me.
love it. awesome.

[Alice]

It's ironic that our friend "scatterbrain" is so concerned about thoughts being methodically organised. I don't know anything about correct formatting, but if it's true that yours is "wrong" then they ought to change the rules to make people break lines more like you do, because they gave the whole thing a wonderful edginess that made it so much more complex and fascinating that just a nice sex poem, and if you had broken the lines according to the textbook you would have lost that and this would just be well done instead of strange and exciting. Great rhyming. It's always so refreshing when people use rhyme with good reason and to interesting effect rather than just for the sake of it. I read everything you've posted and found it all thrilling, but thought I'd review this because I felt the need to tell you not to renounce your line breaks if your life depends upon it. Die for your line breaks if you have to, seriously. So maybe it's a little messy, who cares? It's messy in a Frank O'Hara way, not a primary school kid let loose with the crayons way. It's exciting. I'll be excited whenever you post anything in future.

[scatterbrain]

firstly, you listen to some awesome music. a fan of Elephant 6 is ALWAYS welcome to my mind! you have a wonderful vocabulary, and though i think the voice is rocky, it's quite true. there's someone behind it, it's not an empty poem. i was looking at some of your other poems (i actually think this is one of your weaker, though that's only my opinion) and found them to be quite wonderful :P

that first stanza is flawless, in my mind. i think that is the best part of the poem. rather than pounding thought after thought after thought down our throat, it's a sort of introductory poem, literally using words we welcome people with.

"hello fingers
taking commands
and occupying land."
f*****g great :P love it!

from then on, the voice gets to be rocky. and i know why this in... some places of the text weren't formatted correctly, so words get cut off the line they should be on. two examples:

"that make my
crevices laugh"
my: possessor
crevices: possession
you can cut that off... like saying

"that make my
heart stop"
that's not a phrase that should be split into two.

second example:
"and fell back in, eyes were rolling
backwards and the children bathed
in sin."
rolling backwards... have to keep those words together.

when writing a poem, as the line comes to your head, say it out loud. you work out the mechanics of a line much easier when hearing it, rather than thinking it.

anyway. i really do love your writing style. the voice in this poem, as i said earlier, is there. that's what i love best about this... i see a lot of BLECH poems on this site written by high schoolers and blah blah blah. you've heard that before. you have talent, and there is definite potential. i'm going to keep in touch with you, about recruiting you for something ;) a pleasure to read your poem!

[celyn]

I have missed reading your writing. Inspiring.

[Ed Hart]

who told you it was sin...they lied