Well, See, There's This Sloth, And...

Lesson 1 assignment written for Scatterbrains Unite! course.

Herman the Three-toed Sloth crept down the tree in infinitesimal movements, as a light breeze rustled through the cecropia trees around him. He always looked forward to his weekly potty expeditions. Perhaps it was the alternate perspective it gave his mind to gaze up at the trees, instead of down from them. After perhaps 20 minutes, Herman made it to the floor of the rain forest and began carefully excavating a new midden at the base of his tree.   With a sudden flurry of limbs and shaking brush, a sleek jaguar breached the opposite side of the small clearing and fixed it's slitted eyes on Herman. "Aha!" it purred, "I've found thee at last, oh Herman, most dirty of sloths! Thou hadst thought thyself escaped of me, but thou wast obviously quite mistaken! Now it is come down upon thee, thy rightful and well-deserved doom!"   After several moments Herman finished turning to face his old nemesis. "You still have yet to let go of your hate, my old friend Mortimer?" he asked.   "Silence thy rampant tongue, ye who art most despicable of creatures! Now draw!" And with this Mortimer raised his right front paw up and hovered it beside the pistol strapped over his inky flank.    Herman blinked slowly. "I'm sorry it had to come to this. I'd hoped that you would have meditated on those things which disturb you, and relinquished your anger to the Great Wheel. I dared to hope we were past all this."   "'Past all this'?" Mortimer roared. "Thou stolest the love of mine life, thou wretched creature! I didst love Amber with all mine heart, and thou tookest her from me without a second thought! Now draw, before I doth shoot thee where thou squat!"   Herman sighed, and after several moments he pushed his fur out of the way and maneuvered a long-clawed appendage near his own revolver. The air tensed as the two creatures prepared for mortal combat.   With a great deal of racket, a blubbery seal abruptly burst into the clearing, an open bottle clutched in one flipper. He pulled up short at the sight before him. "Whoa, sorry fellas, di'n't mean ta interrupt." He spoke with a slight slur.   Mortimer glanced at him out of the side of his eye. "Dost thou mind! Canst thou not see that I am wreaking revenge here!"     He paused and gave the seal a second look. "What in Odin's fishy beard art thou doing here anyway?! Art thou lost?!"   "Well, actually, I reck'n I am a bit. Ma name's Fred. Ya wouldn't be able ta point me in th' direction of a gal named Amber, would ya?"   Mortimer bristled. Herman at last moved around enough to get a look at the newcomer without letting Mortimer out of his sight.    "So you're the one who seduced my dear Amber away, are you?" Herman asked languidly as he glared menacingly at the seal.    "What!?!" Mortimer exploded. After a few moments the smoke cleared enough to reveal the skeletal remains of the cat standing there quivering with rage. "I will yet have both thy heads!"   Suddenly realizing the danger he was in, Fred stiffened with his empty flipper near his own sidearm....   The breeze toyed with Herman's long hair and the tendril of smoke rising from Mortimer's skull. Silence hung as thickly as butterscotch pudding. Somewhere, tense Mexican music began to play......

Author's Note

No, this is supposed to be ridiculous.

*revision 1* With this version I attempted to better differentiate the characters.

Reviews

[bbb]

This brought a bunch of really laughable visuals into my mind. I can almost hear the theme song from 'The good, the bad and the ugly' playing. (that's the one where there's a whistle in part of it right? The spaghetti western theme, I think.) How in the world did you come up with this? I just wonder if there was a certain inspiration or not. And yes, it was enjoyable to read.

[scatterbrain]

wayyyyyyyyyy better than my attempt lol. i'll re-send you an e-mail later, but a great job, man :) tense Mexican music lol.

could you "submit" this to the contest for Scatterbrains, Unite...