sleepy in increments

what happens to my brain the morning after an all nighter

i.

i write because to me, every single little thing is important, 

because i spend so much time devoted to the big things that i'm terrified of forgetting about the small things,

so i write.

and i forget about the big things for awhile because war and revolution, revelation and starvation, separation and construction and deconstruction of societies are too much sometimes

ii.

i hear a baby wailing down the hall and i wonder who the mother is, who the father is, 

and all i hear is Mary Lambert singing Body Love in my ear and it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen

and i was told "You've done well" and i found myself crying at six in the morning

iii.

i forgot my tea in my room

chamomile, cah-mow-mill, relaxing, calming, soothing,

i never quite realized how fast my thought process tends to go but it's almost seven in the morning

i haven't slept at all but all i can think is how unproductive my entire weekend starting last Wednesday night has been and how i've written my buts out in poems, not nutrition, anatomy, or pharmacology notes because those are what really matter

aren't they?

iv.

at 7:30 in the morning, it takes way too much effort to climb stairs,

heavy feet plod, sleepy heart nod as i carry myself to 8 AM

i walk into the building into the warmth and the music starts again

v. 

9Am and the cold makes me nauseous to my stomach and i find myself staring at the back of the heads of pretty girls and i think ugly ugly thoughts

vi. 10 AM and i try again to study but by 10:30 Am i'm sleeping and i sleep until i wake up with the realization that my class has started and i think why bother, crawl into another bed, and sleep until i feel because i remember i found myself waking up too many times wondering what the hell iw as doing with my life

because i was scared

and at 6AM in the morning, even trying didn't make sense anymore