Waterfall

Waterfall

By Windstorm Kells ©2007

 

   First blush

     Peeking

A wail of wind

A breathless creek

           Hither-dither

Engrossed meandering

      With sensual caress

            Murmur of lovers

        Guardian of memories

          Buoyant felicities

              Lachrymose woe

              Demarcation giving solace

                              Muddleheaded

                                           Chaos

  Delving through

  Spell

                              Tempo

Undarkened

             Acquiesce lost

      Angry roar

         Rapid percussion

      Once again

Meandering bemused

              The wheel turns

                   Mystical colors

      Painted

                      With but a brush stroke

        Nature’s dazzled dreams

         Are but a pale reflection

                         To thy beauty

        Seraph inside and outside

                            A pure heart pined

                      Seeking a knight

              To champion thy heart

            Sweep thee off thy feet

              To hold ne’er letting go

             Someone seeks the same

                            Knowing the same

                                Admires thy intensity…

 

Reviews

[Amanda Bokovoy]

I also liked the structure, and the overall feeling your words give. 'Tis eloquent and lovely.

On a more critical level: There are a couple grammatical mistakes, which I think would be best corrected before the end of the contest, as they will lose you points when I am judging.

"To sweep off thee feet" - this literally says "To sweep of you feet." Obviously, that makes no sense. It should be "To sweep thee off thy feet" instead. :)

"Admires thy intensely�" - again, this is literally stating "Admires your intensely." If you want this to be correct, it should either be "Admires thy intensity" or "Admires thee intensely" (I assume you meant the first one).

And, finally, this is something that is merely my personal opinion. The use of the word "thru" feels very out of place. "Thru" is a simplified, informal form of "through," but the rest of your poem is written with very formal language, uncommon words, and even some middle English. It would be better if you wrote it out fully as "through" in my opinion.

I did enjoy it, though, very much. All the best in my contest, and keep up the great writing!

I liked the structure! The whole poem is very good. I think you have expressed yourself most eloquently!