The Madness of King Frump

I pledge allegiance to myself,
The conceited cheese of America,
And as for republics--why should they stand?
A curd, as they say, can stand by itself.

Americans have always yearned
For a monarch to sit on a gilded throne
Ever since they showed Hanover George the door.
I'm here for you, people! So laud me loudly,
And hark while I tell you how great I am!

I elevate me by demeaning others;
That's the oldest trick in the history book.
Rank me peerless, for I am Midas:
Wherever I plop my opulent a*s,
My impudent buttcheeks impart a sheen,
A greasy, malodorous, gaudy glitz
That won't wash off. Oh, you can try,
But that stain is permanent.

I support supporters until they go bad;
If ever I hear a discouraging word,
I let the backstabbing daggers fly--
I'm not above strangling a sleeping Judas.
No one may waver, except for me;
I am a contradictator at heart.
See how I waffle from day to day,
Endorsing one side, and then the other.
Duplicity means I'm never wrong--
Like the high-hatted Pope, I'm infallible!

I hate the crowd that selected me:
Beerswilling nobodies, easy to sway,
Yet I pander to them--keep those turkeys in line!
I promise them gold, but give them coal,
Or maybe a jackbooted kick to the head.
So what if this country goes to hell?
I can never do wrong, and I'll make a profit
By selling folks sulfur and brimstone baskets;
And when all the money's sucked out of the market,
I'll find a new nation to swindle and loot.

It's sad that I have no worthy rivals;
When comparing endeavors, whatever the field,
In every regard, in every race,
I'm the uber-winner, me-me-me!
Like Louis Quatorze, I adore a mirror:
From multiple angles, my moonpie face
Grimaces orangely in my direction;
I admire me deeply above all else.
O you handsome devil!

I tout law-and-order while lawless disorder
And flagrant misconduct radiate from the top,
Rain down upon everyone, spoiling their picnics.
(How dare they have picnics without my permission!)

Shall I share the secrets of my success?
Any fool can run a business or govern
Simply by heeding these time-tested rules:
Hire and fire, attack and dispute,
Sue and wheedle and whine and bamboozle.
Downplay reason and stir up antipathy.
Common sense? Screw it. Logic's the enemy.
Blow smoke and deny, deflect the blame,
Finger a patsy, or scapegoat, or sap.
Change the subject and look irritated.
Rattle a hornets' nest, just for distraction.
What was the question? Can't hear what you say.
My two favorite mottos are, "Bring in more lawyers," and
"Ream all others before they ream you."
Divide, subdivide, cleave and conquer--
The second oldest trick in the book.

Our time is up, I'm far too busy,
I need to hype one of my tony resorts,
Belittle opponents, insult a friend,
For the friend who holds an opinion is false,
Unless that opinion is: I am the best!
So says Kingmeister Frump... and I won that election!