vampire?

 

You’re run, so fast, to escape.  Everything you know and love, wait not love hate. You love nothing and nothing loves you.  You are worthless you are...

BANG a tree branch you didn't see. The world goes dark and fades away

      Bright, light, noise, voices. You awake not knowing where you are, who you are.  Reaching out your fingers you feel.  The ground? No.  The floor? No.  A table?  Ah yes that's it a table.  Your eyes shoot open all the way and you sit up quickly and then smash back down to the table. Your wrists are bound.  Further experiments prove your ankles and waist is also. You panic now.

 "Help" you croak. The voice is unfamiliar just like everything else. "Where am I" your throat is parched you realize at that moment "water" you struggle against your bearings but you can't break the metal bonds. No... How old are you? You don't remember.  Looking down and seeing how tall you are you guess adolescence but you could be wrong. 

"Ahhh so our guest has awakened" a suave new voce enters the picture, male. "I don't think she's ready just yet put her back down" you hear a hiss and gas starts emitting and you struggle but the world just fades to black.

    You awake again and you feel strong, powerful.  Your wrists are still bound by metal but it now seems flimsy.  You flex and they snap.  You leap up. The metal bonds snapping like paper.  You aren’t human not anymore, you are better you are amazing!  You are... thirsty unbelievably thirsty.  Your hands reach to your throat and you look around.  Seeing a cup you race over. Water belch. There is another thing another cup. This one you see has some slushy red liquid that smells amazing. You gulp it down and crush the cup but see a word on the cup..... BLOOD is written in big black letters.  You throw down the cup in disgust. 

"What what the hell. What im not...I don’t...blood?"  You sit down your hands on your head.  The action takes you less time than normal.  "What did you do to me!" you yell out into the camera that you know is there. "I want some answers!!!"  

"Ahhh it seems you have awoken." that snarky smooth voice was back.  And you hate it.

"What did you do to me" you call out "what... what am I"

"You are the most amazing specimen of all" the voice said "you have matured well past the others and you will serve me for I created YOU!" the voice had been rising in tempo and it hurt your overly sensitive ears. 

"SHUT UP" you yell slamming your fists into the wall. When you pull them back there are small craters where your fists hit and spider web cracks running from the damage. You stare at your fists in wonder expecting them to be broken but they’re obviously not. You look up scanning the wall, for cameras seeing one you jump. Easily clearing ten feet grabbing and pulling it from the ceiling with ease.

"Ha track me now suckers" I guess you don't know about me and experimental sciences on humans (ESOH) direct link into my brain. I run and jump onto your shoulders you still being unaware, no one notices me.  Just me just little old me. 

 

Author's Note

i'm not done it but i felt like posting it. it was my first try at second person so don't eat me too badly. i will be writing more and updating it whenever i can and stuffff. now please don't mind my grammer i know it sucks.
1. do you like it
2. should i not have introduced the narrator
3. he won't sparkle i promise
4. any ideas for a name of the story?
5. i'm kinda of rambling if you havent noticed
6. LEAVE MY GRAMMER!!

Reviews

[Kiri Nells]

Okay, Ella... sorry, but I can't just ignore that there are so many grammar problems. It's hugely distracting and takes away from the story. I have to agree with Mayisha on this one.

Oh and, SECOND. FREAKING. PERSON. That's different, but it could work IF IT'S CLEANED IT UP A BIT.

Second person and/or present tense are tools often used by horror writers in an attempt to pull the reader into the event more easily. However, it only works if things are also written with regard to the style; keep that in mind for when you continue.

This has potential for a wide audience, and I can tell you are a great writer.
Just keep in mind that the grammar thing isn't something you can just say, "Don't mind it" with, because it's a continuous problem.

Gah.
Okay, sorry for bringing up the untouchable subject... but... ah... you need... to TRY-- BEFORE WE ALL DIE OF NOVELIST HEART ATTACKS. AH.

But yeah, like I said, this can be really great. I can already see that.

[Aurora Lynn]

First of all... wow. Totally not what I expected when I saw the title vampires. Vampires have been lowered to a bad stereotype that often turns people away from reading things by this genre, but this was surprisingly different. It was actually refreshing.

Now, I know you said leave your grammar, and I know that many other people have already commented on it, so I'll be brief. A few grammatical mistakes are OK, but when they prevent us (the readers) from fully enjoying the story, thats when something needs to change.

Other than the small puncuation, capitalization, tenses, etc. problems that can be fixed easily, there was only one thing that really sticked out. You did a good job with second person, better than a lot of people do. But at the end you SWITCHED INTO FIRST PERSON. It made me so sad... but then again that's a simple pronoun change.

For the story idea, I extremely like it (as I have already mentioned). Someone running from something, waking up and being a vampire...then escaping... just brilliant. The stuff I really love to read. The beginning was particularly strong. I loved the part:

"You’re run, so fast, to escape. Everything you know and love, wait not love hate. You love nothing and nothing loves you. You are worthless you are...
BANG a tree branch you didn't see. The world goes dark and fades away"

It draws readers in with a BANG, and it was really well written (forgetting about the grammar weaknesses). It also leads the way into the rest of the story, setting the tone and preparing the reader for what else went on. The language and story got a little weaker afterwards, but it was still really strong which can be hard for people to master even for experienced writers.

As Kiri has said, I can see a lot of great things from this story. If you want me to I would be willing to go through the story and help you pick out the grammar mistakes to help make the story itself easier to read. I would be extremely interested in reading more, just keeping in mind what the people who reviewed the story has told you.

[compositionc]

No matter what everyone says, I'm still very much turned off.

[Silent Knight]

*ahem* http://www.writerscafe.org/groups/Vampires-Do-NOT-Sparkle/4339/ This has a place right here. Please consider posting it here.

[Lou Odlaw]

Second person? SECOND PERSON??? Who's the narrator of this, yet another Vampire? Yeah, I'd be annoyed that I am now a vampire... Sparkling is so uncool. And what is it about Vampires these days? Either they just come out saying "Hi look at me! I'm a d****e," or they don't even need to say it, they just are that stupid...

[compositionc]

I'm still turned off.

[halflives]

Good, Ells, but as Mushroom said, a bit of bad grammar. Needs major editing, that's for sure. But otherwise, well done! Love the storyline, the second person. You're a natural with second person. :D

[compositionc]

BADGRAMMMMMAR.
major turn off.