safe house

"Oh my god... She's gone...what can I do...I can't just leave her". I was pacing back and forth. I had gone to the nearest safe place. It was on Chamberlain Street.  I had outrun the security guards easily but I didn't know if they would come looking for me. So I came here. It's always open for poachers who need a place to crash and they're well hidden. Well like hidden in the open. It's just a house. "Hey little man. You ok in they're". It was biggie Joe calling out from the kitchen. He and a girl named Dana were here when I got here. "I'm all cool Joe" I responded back sniffling "I'm ok" he walked into the living room where I was pacing "Aww little buddy do ya need a hug?" he asked. Ok so biggie Joe is 21 years old, six foot four and 300 lbs. All muscle he works out every day and can bench press my weight with one hand. Biggie Joe was also the nicest guy you'll ever meet and believes a hug can cure anything. "Nah that's ok biggie I don't ne-". I had started to say but got cut of as I was grabbed and almost suffocated via Joe hug. "M ky Joe. Cnt brthe. Joe geroff ma". I mumbled attempting to breathe "what dju say?"  He asked letting go. I started gasping for breath "oops sorry drew". "Um nothing important. Um hey Joe dju hear anything about me on the news like is they looking for me?" "I don't think so dude. I think your safe being just a kid and all"

"Ok thanks. Then I'll think I'll get going and all I wanna find mama" "okay but be careful Andrew and if ya need it yu can always come back here" "ok thanks biggie Joe bye". I had never unpacked due to the fact I hadn't planned to stay long. Grabbing some food and my pack I headed out the door onto Chamberlain Street. Right now I'm in a pretty good neighborhood. Yeah I need to get outta here. I walked for about a mile or so until I came to the Tooks. Here you'll find drug dealers, brothels, and child slave factories all next door. Here is where I sell most of my crop. So naturally I'm pretty familiar with it. I know all the hidey holes. I'm still walking at this point heading to Rose Ave. "help me. Please can anyone hear? Please please". It's a horrible voice half crying half just not caring anymore. I run towards the noise and see a figure of a child about my age maybe younger curled in a ball. Around her ankles are in manacles with spikes on the inside clearly meant to hurt a lot. Two more of the same type was on her wrists. I couldn't see her face but her stomach looked hollow like she hadn't eaten in a week. "Who did this to you?" I asked and her head shot up scared as hell. There were lines all over her face and neck. Healed up scars. There were open sores too oozing chocolate. I was amazed she hadn't passed out from the pain yet. Wait oozing chocolate. This chick was a Chocoman; I can’t help her it would go against… everything. But she looks so sad. No I should be draining her not trying to help.  She will die without me. Good let her.  "Them. They’re coming back" her voice was week barely audible "please help me I can't make it much longer you gotta-" and then she passed out

 

Author's Note

1. do you like the story
2. hows the dialogue
3. thoughts on biggie joe. i personally love him
4. do you understand what the girl is
5. should he have stayed longer at the safe house
6. does his inner conflict sound believable

thanks for the reviews guys i really appriciate them.

Reviews

[Aurora Lynn]

First of all... CHAMBERLAIN STREET. OMTL OMTL CHAMBERLAIN LIVESSSSSS.

*end spaz*

Wait...is this from Andrew's POV? That was a bit confusing at first... maybe at the beginning of the chapter put ANDREW in big bold letters...or italics...or whatever floats your boat really. Because I thought it was in Mia's POV for a second and it confused me.

*end nonquestion advice*

1. Story = amazing. 'Nuff said.

2. The dialogue is..different. In a good way, I guess. Reminds me of the Adventures of Huck Finn, where the speech reflected their accents and what they were doing. It would make a lot more sense if each time a new person spoke it was on a different line, like Livi said. If you don't know what I'm talking about see my review for the previous chapter.

3. Biggie Joe is great! Though I have a feeling its based on someone you've told me about before...anyone I absolutely love him.

4. Yes. She's a Chocoman that was kidnapped for its amazingly delicious chocolate. Duhhh.

5. I think he should have, maybe get a feel for his character a little more while he's there. Like have him talk to more people, or at least stay to eat and rest. But that's just me.

6. Yes, though I would have prefered that you ellaborate on it a little. Unless you plan on doing it the next time we see Andrew.

*end questions*

GRAMMAR. GRAMMAR GRAMMAR GRAMMAR GRAMMAR GRAMMAR GRAMMAR GRAMMAR. *turns into a giant grammar monster*

Okay, not really, but really love grammar is an important part of the English language. Just think of how much more awesome this story could be with a few small grammar adjustments.

*end grammar nag*

I hope my ramblings were at least slightly useful...and the length makes up for how long it took me to finally get to these chapters... I hope...

*end obnoxiously long review*

~Jossy

[compositionc]

Your dialogue, dove, it needs work. Honestly, I can just make a course.
1 It's amazing
2 I'm working on a course, but the content is very good.
3 Hes super cool.
4 YES
5 He could have, but I dont think it's a problem.
6 Yes. Very.

[halflives]

Only one person speaks per paragraph, love. And this -- "insert dialouge here". -- drives me to DRINK. This -- "insert dialouge here." -- is the correct way :D
1. Great story :D
2. (see above)
3. He's quite... entertaining.
4. Kind of. I'm just dumb.
5. Maybe. It would have been more cautious.
6. Inner conflict = believeable.